The real Will & Grace

[foxymoron]

I have a bit of a dilemma that's been weighing on my mind for a while.

I'm a 35 year old hispanic lesbian. My best friend and supreme confidant is a 25 year old gay man. He looks like a younger George Clooney and I look like that little Puerto Rican Marine from the movie 'Aliens'. We met at a gay bar near the military post where we work. I was sporting a flat top and the traditional lesbian uniform, boots, black jeans, leather jacket, etc. He was dressed like a college jock with his buddies. We're two polar opposites.

He and his buddies were beyond shitfaced and I knew for certain that the MP's would be out en force looking to fulfill DUI quotas. Against my own grain, I walked up to the drunken trio and offered them a safe ride to where ever they were going. I couldn't allow them to drive and risk careers or lives. Surprisingly, the rest of the evening went smoothly. We even had some beers at their house.

I sat up all night talking with one who would be my best friend for years to come. (Let's call him Will. I'll be Grace for the sake of argument. ) We had one of those deep philosophical conversations that can only be reached by a true meeting of the minds. God, love, faith, war, fear, strength of character and what it takes to be a successful human being. It was true synchronicity. Actually, we've been synchronous ever since.

He called me the following week, inviting me to join them for another night of drinking and dancing at the club. I declined, begging off my age. He demanded my location because he was coming to pick me up. I'd better be ready for a great night. Will is fairly confident and willful, if you hadn't already guessed.

We made quite the pair of fools on the dance floor. Me in my combat boots and him in his Tommy Hilfiger get up. Still, regardless of how we looked to others, we danced in unison, in perfect synchronicity.

Soon after that, we spent most of our evenings and weekends together. Then it became every afternoon, I'd drive to his house, make dinner, watch tv, scratch his head in my lap, and then go to sleep with him in his bed... naked. Household chores, recreational activities, personal goals achieved with a spirit of partnership. Halloween, Thanksgiving, birthdays, Christmas; they came and went with toegtherness.

We never had sex. None of our friends believed us because we honestly lived like a married couple. Sure, we had the occassional blockbuster fight. When people see a good thing, a good relationship, some genius has to come out of the woodwork and play the "he said, she said game" and throw our rhythm for a loop. We got over the bumps with a lot of love and trust in our friendship as well as in each other.

We're great companions. We've traveled to many places. New Orleans, Washington D.C., The Outer Banks, San Diego, San Francisco, Kauai. We share the same bed, I scratch his back until he goes to sleep and I lie awake wishing I could fight back the feelings that dampen my thighs. Sometimes he alludes to wanting something more from me than a back massage but... we never cross that line.

We've even gone as far as to discuss having children together. His boyfriend, at the time, would hear nothing of it and that stopped Will's pursuit of it.

Because of our closeness, he's asked somethings of me that I would never do, not even for the love of my life. He asked me to grow my hair out. I've gone from a buzz cut to shoulder length latina hair. The misery of it all is killing me but I gave him my word that I would do it for him. He's asked me to lose weight. I'm down two pants sizes and my bras don't fit correctly. I thought I was fine before but I guess not.

I look great, I admit it. He's prone to grabbing my breasts less now and caressing them more. He's changed just as much as I've changed and sometimes it's not for the better.

He used to kiss me passionately when he got drunk. I would likely return the kiss and then go back to my Long Island Iced Tea and scoping the hotties. Now he doesn't kiss me at all. He used to tickle me and give me affection. He has another new boyfriend to give that to.

I'm caught between so many different contrary fantasies. I would give my eye teeth to feel him inside me, where he belongs. I want to go back to being the strong sexy lesbian I was. I wish I could walk away from him because I can't stay any longer and watch him fight the feelings he has for me by giving his boyfriend a blow job. I deserve far more respect than that.

I know that sounds strange but that is what I perceive. I've given him the best of everything I have to offer and he's been happy. Now that I've changed, he's trying to reassert his Homosexuality by showing off his sexual prowess in front of me. I can't participate because that would totally rearrange our dynamics.

I get the distinct feeling I'm being fucked without a kiss.

What is this bi-sexuality thing? It's so foreign to me. He's of the mindset that once you become gay or lesbian, you can't go back and betray who you are. I'm not so convinced that's true. I know I love him and would relish a sexual relationship with him. He's probably the only man for me. I think he feels the same way but he can't handle it.

I'm not sure what to think, what to do or whether to stay. Maybe this relationship has run its course and served its purpose.

Any thoughts?

Any suggestions?

 

[Kaldaka]

As harsh as this may sound, all I can really say is shit or get off the pot.

It sounds like it's coming to a boiling point and, for better or worse, things need to be talked out without dancing around bushes. Fears need to be confronted, feelings professed.

Either things work out or they don't, but it'll be decided one way or the other: either you'll be together or you won't.

 

[foxymoron]

Yeah, I knew someone would say that and it's hard to argue the point.

Honestly, I already know how it will turn out and it fucks up my head. It will be an all or nothing situation. He will pick a man over me, even if he hardly knows him. That little realization came to me a few weeks ago and it still smarts.

I just can't seem to let go quietly and peacefully. I'm not an argumentative personality but there are some issues between us that are going to become explosive to the point of serious damage. We may be opposites but we are equals. It's hard to say how bad the damage could get. Deep emotions are volatile things.

I'm scared to lose my best friend and I'm scared to keep wanting more of him. It would be different if I knew he didn't have something for me.

 

[SweetErika]

What is this bi-sexuality thing? It's so foreign to me. He's of the mindset that once you become gay or lesbian, you can't go back and betray who you are. I'm not so convinced that's true. I know I love him and would relish a sexual relationship with him. He's probably the only man for me. I think he feels the same way but he can't handle it.

I'm not sure what to think, what to do or whether to stay. Maybe this relationship has run its course and served its purpose.

Any thoughts?

Any suggestions?

Hi Foxy (can't add the moron part because I feel so much emotion and intelligence in your post),
I'm sorry I can't offer more than a few of my own thoughts on sexuality... From what I've been able to figure out, exuality is a spectrum and bisexuality is about being sexually attracted to both genders (which it sounds like you might be). I think many people feel forced to choose a label before they experience enough life to understand who they truly are. I felt like I was straight because that was all I ever knew, and perhaps you and Will chose gay because you were certain of your attraction to the same sex. Changing your mindset and deciding where you fit in is really difficult at this point in our lives, but it's certainly not a betrayal of who we are. The betrayal is in denial. Or maybe you two just have a really strong and unique friendship that can't be labelled/has nothing to do with your sexuality at all. I'm hesitant to say biology is responsible for your attraction to this one man, but I suppose it's possible.
Are you certain he feels the same sexual and emotional attraction to you? Do you still feel this way when you're in an otherwise satifying relationship? I'm inclined to say stay close friends and turn what this relationship has taught you into true happiness, but that's for you to decide.

Best of luck to you!

 

[foxymoron]

"Are you certain he feels the same sexual and emotional attraction to you? Do you still feel this way when you're in an otherwise satifying relationship? I'm inclined to say stay close friends and turn what this relationship has taught you into true happiness, but that's for you to decide."

As for my certainty, you tell me.

I'm a very affectionate person. I know in my heart that human touch can communicate more spirit and emotion than any word. Babies die from lack of it, imagine what it does to grown people.

Every day, I make a distinct effort to hug and kiss the important people in my life and I tell them that I love them. I don't wait for a special occassion. I say it when it comes to me and it comes to me often.

Because of the nature of my occupation, I am often separated from my loved ones for weeks and months at a time and put in dangerous situations. We know that I may, one day, not return from a mission. I can't afford to let things go unsaid, ironically.

Shortly after Will and I began our relationship, it went from strictly biting wit to steamy innuendo. He would hug me longer than "appropriate" or conventional so that I could feel the bulge against my ass. He'd walk up behind me and squeeze my breasts really hard or some such childish thing. In truth, he wasn't smooth about his advances but the intent was loud though unspoken.

Times passed and our sleeping arrangements became rather loose. Out of ladylike modesty, I would normally sleep in my t-shirt and panties while he slept nude. Spring and summer came so I said,"fuck it" and went nude as well. I'd be bent over the sink brushing my teeth and he would lay his dick next to my face. Every night before bed, as I was getting out of the shower, he raced to rip the towel off me or wait until I turned out the lights to try to see me naked. We'd laugh as I fought to keep his eyes from my more sacred parts. Feigning deep sleep, he would snuggle up behind me and hold me close.

Here's the weird part, should I decide to accept his childish little ways of telling me of his interest, he would wake up and act like I was the most repulsive thing for being a woman. If I were to back my ass into him as he snuggled against me, he would grow hard and then turn over.

In our day to day lives, he will still watch me move about the house in my sarong and blouse and then wait until I'm making dinner, with hands full of dough or hot pots, to molest me. I'm always caught in a position of inability to respond.

He's even gone so far as to insist on joining me while I go clothes shopping. He will drag me into a lingerie store, mind you, I've been a very manly dyke for more than ten years, and he insists on picking out my unmentionables and helping me try them on. I model them for him in the fitting room. I can't complain about that. I have to admit I get so turned on when he runs his hands on my body, helping me tuck things in place. Make up? He's right there with the make up lady helping her pick out the proper shades for my skin tone and complexion. I've spent hundreds of dollars doing things to become more womanly than I could have possibly imagined 2 or 3 years ago.

Now, <sigh> things have changed dramatically. We've just returned from R&R in Hawai'i. These last two months have been very bittersweet. I'm still recuperating from injuries I sustained back in March and I'm due to go on another long mission next week and possibly be stationed far away.

Hawai'i was to be the place where we could finally be free to enjoy ourselves. I had hoped for a little sexual revolution. He was so romantic. Feeding me grapes while I cooked. Rubbing my back while I napped. Dancing to Salsa music at the nightclub. Undressing me in the pool at midnight and grabbing big handfuls of my hair from behind. Sharing a bottle of wine under the starry skies. Scrubbing my back while I bathed. But given every opportunity to cross the line, he would laugh and shirk away if I wanted to hold his hand or return his kisses.

Then he hit me with a surprise I never saw coming. We had talked about the possibilities of me finding a new line of work and going back to school for my Masters degree in Engineering. He said he wanted me to come back and live him, FOREVER. Like a fucking giggly little school girl I said, of course, I would never leave him and that I loved him dearly. The following day, we went to pick up his friend from Japan at the airport. I had no clue we were to have a third party on our vacation.

Tell me, am I imagining it?

As for your other questions, I was married for 4 years to a mechanic from Texas. I loved him but I was too young to know what I was capable of accomplishing. I never gave him what I give Will. I've had two significant LTRs with women with children. Though I loved them deeply, I always felt like I would never be assimiliated into the family, like I'd always be "Mommy's girlfriend".

If this were just a sexual relationship, I would have no troubles distancing myself from him. Our daily lives together are wonderful. Even his new boyfriend, though young, is a pleasant person and I'm glad he sees in Will what I see. I just find myself spending more and more time waiting for his next action- be it good or not.

When I'm gone, he will forget me. When I return, he'll be gone.

 

[SweetErika]

No, I don't think you're imagining it, and I never meant to imply that you were. However much Will likes and loves you, it seems as if he is stringing you along and toying with your heart (knowingly or not). Ask yourself what role you're playing in his life...what is he getting out of treating you this way? What are the less obvious things you're getting out of it?

I feel your pain and hope you find some peace. Hopefully someone else can offer better advice, though it sounds like you already know where this is going. Take care of yourself!

 

[foxymoron]

Thanks Erika, I really needed to hear that.

I realize that one of the worst feelings in the world is feeling alone when you're in love with someone. I'm crippling myself by keeping him in my heart, as he is.

I'm giving him the best of me and he will never return it. What loss is there in going out and finding someone who can?

 

[Kaldaka]

Foxy, check your PM's, please.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks Erika, I really needed to hear that.

I realize that one of the worst feelings in the world is feeling alone when you're in love with someone. I'm crippling myself by keeping him in my heart, as he is.

I'm giving him the best of me and he will never return it. What loss is there in going out and finding someone who can?

How true! If Will doesn't appreciate how lucky he is to have you in his life, it's his loss. From what I can gather, you're a beautiful, intelligent, passionate, caring woman who has a lot to offer and deserves the very best.

When situations like this arise in my life, my instinct is to feel foolish for wasting so much time and energy on something that never came to fruition. But then I think about how valuable of a learning experience it was, and I always feel better. It sounds like your relationship with Will has taught you a lot about yourself and helped clarify what will make you happy in the future. He may not be willing or able to engage in the kind of relationship you desire(d), but he certainly has given you a lot in the past few years. Perhaps this process, however painful, was meant to be and completely necessary in order to find happiness.

 

[foxymoron]

Darlin'

First of all, if those are your real tits, I love you.

Secondly, if you keep saying such sweet and intelligent things, you'll make me propose to you and that will kind of throw a monkey wrench into my plans for reassimiliation into hetero society.

Thirdly, don't stop, whatever you do, don't stop turning me on.

FoxyMoron

 

[SweetErika]

Darlin'

First of all, if those are your real tits, I love you.

Secondly, if you keep saying such sweet and intelligent things, you'll make me propose to you and that will kind of throw a monkey wrench into my plans for reassimiliation into hetero society.

Thirdly, don't stop, whatever you do, don't stop turning me on.

FoxyMoron

They're real, but love me for my mind and not my body (ok, love my body too).

I'm married, but you could be the woman I promised my husband I'd never run off with.

LOL

You really ought to change your name! There's nothing foxy about a moron (which you are not).

PM me if you want to talk sometime.

 

[foxymoron]

Thank goodness they're real. I'd have to mortgage my house to afford tits that fabulous. Like I said, I llike the finer things in life... And the red bra? Absolutely delicious. Hubby is a lucky man.

Kisses on all your happy parts.