The Quest for the Holy Grail! (open, but see OOC)

[Khadgar]

The holy Grail, you've heard the stories! it is the chalast that will grant immortal life! and god has just spoken, you are to accompany king arthur, and find it! it will be a long and ardious quest.


oh yeah, i should mention, and completely STUPID! they don't call 'er monty pythons for nothing

 

[Zircon]

Knock...Knock...

'Who's there?'
'It's me your Majesty, Sir 'Not-So-Drunk, that-I-can't-Remember-My-Name'. Your Majesty, there is a bloke 'ere who claims that he is a messenger from God. He seems to me like a queer to me, all dressed up in white Togas, with the Stick-On Halo, and a pair of fake wings...ARGHHHH....'

The knight got fried in his suit of armor for doubting God.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

The Messenger From God:

Undressing the toga to reveal a brown UPS uniform with golden lettering thus enters The Messenger From God:

"Hear ye, hear ye! I am The Messenger From God. Kneel before me, and I shall put in a word with the Boss. God says: treat His Messenger as a King amongst kings! God says: all men must cover His Messenger with incommensurable wealth! God says: all women must strip and have hot kinky sex with His Messenger until the dawn of a new day!"

 

[Zircon]

Lady Hot-Pockets

'Ohh, a real live Angel...' Taking off her dress, in readiness to give this Angel a good ride. The lights dimmed, and a blue spotlight shone from the balcony above, illuminating Lady Hot-Pockets. The music starts, a slow beat at first, but rising in tempo as the Lady began to do a strip dance.

'Woohooo...' as she swung herself around a pole. THUD! She fell as someone had shone the the metal pole with Brasso until it reflected like a mirror. Dusting her half-naked self off as if nothing had happened, she continued dancing, and the music never missed a beat.

Moving towards the Messenger Angel, she was down to her Pink Frilly Edible panties. Strawberry Flavored of course. Love Strawberries. So soft and sweet and...

'OOI, STOP THE AD-LIBS, YOU HALF-BAKED NARRATOR!

Ahem...Back to the story. The Lady drew her hands around the Messenger in a soft, sensual way. The Toga around the crotch area seemed to rise in anticipation. Licking her lips, the Lady opened the Toga to reveal...

 

[Lauren Hynde]

..., to everyone's surprise, including The Messenger From God, a tinny little 3 feet version of Tony Bennett dressed as an angel, only with a golden tin halo on top of his head and baby blue sequins all over his low cut toga.

3ft Tony:

Jumping out from under His Messenger's toga, 3ft Tony boos Lady Hot-Pockets. Scared shitless by the little angel, the raging naked beauty runs to hide behind Sir 'Not-So-Drunk, That-I-Can't-Take-My-Eyes-From-The-Raging-Naked-Beauty'. The blue spot light shifts its attention to the 3ft superstar. Clue the playback.

[singing]
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick.
So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy, or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons.
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.
[/singing]


GOD:

And the mighty voice of GOD was heard throughout the castle, as lightning struck upon His Messenger and 3ft Tony alike:

"Oh My Me! How could I ever trust those UPS guys... I should have known better... From now on, it's only hand deliveries for Me..."

[pause]

Burning corpses of His Former-Messenger and now-2in Tony are remove from the set by film crew members.

[/pause]

[cough, clearing His throat]

"ARTHUR! ARTHUR, KING OF THE BRITONS!"

 

[Lady_J]

Sir Poofter

"Oh my, isn't this a lovely room, all sunshine and flowers."

Sir Poofter entered the room with not so much a swagger as a mincing sway.

"I am Sir Poofter, but you can call me Bruce!" He curtseyed low to the ground. He adjusted his bra as he stood back up. He look over the room and his eyes rested on Sir 'Not-So-Drunk, that-I-can't-Remember-My-Name's huge "tract of land."

"Well helllllo sailor!"

 

[PmTick]

Sir Eric Come Again, galloped over the hills, coconuts in hand. He looked over to his right where his Squire/Translator Adam would be, sadly Adam had fallen in battle with the devious Jason of Leno last week. No time to sit and weep though, for he had been summoned to the castle. He looked past the valley and fog to Camelot and announced himself, "Reeerblah boing boing Mmmmmrraahhhh"

 

[Khadgar]

Tim

Tim strode forward, bent slightly and mumbling nonsence in his maniacal tone. his staff threw flames from the top, he rose over a hill and he saw it, the castle. it wasn't Camelot, but it was supposedly where the king was. His arm shot foreward, pointing the staff at the castle, he wrenched it at the last moment and tiped the end at a mountain. the top of the mountain exploded in flame.

Tim grumbled "burn burn.... don't kill Arthur" he spun around and swept his staff across, blowing up trees and and rocks. satisfied he truded on, towards the castle

 

[Lauren Hynde]

GOD:

And the mighty voice of GOD is heard throughout the castle, yet again:

"I BUMP THEE"

Earthquake strikes the castle, demolishing the northernmost tower, otherwise known as the sauna.

"Oh, Arthur! Arthur, you silly, silly little man... Are you trying to hide from the mighty voice of GOD?"

 

[chewbacca71]

Arthur, King of the Britons.....

Cowering under a chambermaids skirts , Arthur , the King of the Britons- or so his mother has writen in his underwear when he went to camp; looked up when he heard the voice of GOD. Always remember to capitalize it all or bad things will happen to you , such as that unfortunate David-the swearing curser kind of fellow, who ended up having his weewee struck off by lightning. Boy does GOD have a good aim. Anyway, where was I ? Oh yes, under that chambermaids skirt, such a lovely place to visit. My look, she even has pets in here, awefully furry this creature is thought. Oh , thats right , the word of GOD, oops almost forgot to capitalize that. Wheew , a close one. Ok , so anyone I hear the word of GOD and realize that it is time to go on my crusade. It says it here in my "How to be a king handbook, written by Elvis Presley. " Not sure who he is , but he had a mighty nice bum. Ok, back to this crusade thing. In the wilderness you say? Living on the road in search of this holy object? Have you gone crackers? That was respectfully of course. Ok, I will go, but who shall I take with me? I will find them on the road. Like roadkill, when you mash them up in the spoke of your wagon? You know, squirrels do make good eating then, of course you know, or you would not have made them. Alright, I am off to start this silly quest. No, PLEASE, its not silly, I take that back. Thank you, I quite like not having my ass on fire, I am quite used to it. So off I go.

 

[PmTick]

The earth shook, sending Eric to the ground. As pain coursed through his leg, he cursed loudly, "Mrukchh!!! Fizzz pop pop plll!!" Would anyone her his cries?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

GOD

1350 litres (2969 gallons and 10 pints - and a small Coke® bottle) worth of water flushed down from the sky right on top of Arthur, King of the Britons.

" 'bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla'. Anyone ever told you that you talk too much? And all that whining, dammit, that makes me mad..." GOD says, His voice loud enough to make the rest of the northernmost tower crumble. "Anywho... there... that's pretty much it... I'm kinda bored so I thought about sending you on this quest. No, wait: on this Grand Quest for... the... lemme think... Lost Testament... no... too complicated... that's not it... the... Holy Vestment... no... too kinky... the... huh... oh yeah, this is a good one... the Holy Grail (from now on, GQ for HG) and for this... mission... thou shall need to take the... hehehe... thou shall need to take the butt pirate... huh... I mean... noble Sir Poofter, a fine gentleman and worthy chevalier... and... huh... thou shall need to take foreigner, what's his name... that little twerp grabbin' his leg over there... and... oh hell, take the drunk fellow too, that should provide enough entertainment... I mean... enough manpower to complete the GQ for HG. Or just pick whomever you find on the way, I don't really care. You're boring me already. Go, Go, GO, GOOO!!!"

 

[chewbacca71]

Sir Poofter you say...... But Lord, I hate to wear my chastity underwear , the metal chaffs my legs most profoundly. But better chaffing then a perforated bowel. Ok, that is one to take. The little forwegein twerp you said. I hope he is not french , I cant stand the smell of french. No wonder they invented perfume, it was racial preservation. The drunk fellow too, but I am sure I can find a drunkard rolling around on the road to take. I thought you had fried him good, but then if anyone can bring him back; its that bastard Merlin. Well, I guess you could do it too. So a lively band of adventurers I have been given. Are you sure you dont want to send another, this chambermaid has been quite accommadating, I am sure she has room for you too if you want. No, ok, then we are off. Sir Poofter, go get the horses.....yes thats a good boy, you will like it , the stable boy is kind of cute.

 

[Zircon]

‘This is an absolute outrage, I tell ya. No respect for common pious church-goer. Where the hell am I going to get the sleep I need for my growing body if I can't do that during Sunday sermons?...'

‘Eh! What did ya say?’

‘Nothing, love…’

Sir ‘Now-Named-KFC’, ‘Kentucky Fried Courtier’, looking with bleary eyes towards the now naked Lady Hot-Pockets clinging onto his legs.

‘Would you like a romp in the park, do the hip-grind dance, frolic in the hay…’

‘Yes. But weren't you fried by GOD, and you're suppose to be dead?’

'Noooo...it's only a flesh wound.'

'Only a flesh wound. 1st degree burns on your body, hair crispy like Original Colonel Sanders Fried Chicken, and smoke coming out of your ears, only a Flesh Wound...'

'Yup, only a flesh wound.'

'Then lets go Hot-and-Spicy Sir Knight.'

‘GOD, BRB…’

 

[chewbacca71]

King Arthur, and boy are you jealous ...

Are you sure that you are serious about this lord? You are giving me a skirt chaser and a bumm chaser. Yes, I too will chase a nice skirt , but I know when I have to get serious and do some work. Ok, so anyway, where are we supposed to be going? I need a map, I am not going to be traveling to and fro this world just to make you happy. OUCH Ok, maybe I will then. That was uncalled for you know. OUCH OUCH , God dammit that hurt. Sorry, I really did not say "God dammit" you heard it wrong. I swear. Please, I need both legs to walk, my balance is bad enough with two legs. So when do I start? NOW, surely you jest, I still have two new chambermaids I have not yet plundered, I just need a few minutes and I will be done, I promise. I am sure you have seen my performances before, I am not known as the Three Minute King for nothing you know. NO, I cant? Who the hell do you think you are talking to? OUCH yes, I do see your point and thank you for the prompt correction. As soon as Sir Poofter comes back from the stables, we will go. Is that soon enough for you? Good, you are a hard driving bastard you know. I meant that respectfully of course.

 

[Khadgar]

Tim

Tim threw open the dorrs of the castly and immiediatly set one of the tapestries on fire. we walked past the servants franticaly trying to put out the fire and came to a guard.

"you, where is aaarrrrrrrrthur? the king, of.....................the brrritons."

 

[chewbacca71]

Ok, GOD, am I going to be set upon by every circus freak ? Where is the bearded lady? NO , scratch that, even I am not that hard up. Anyway, what is up with this Pyromaniac that just walked in? You want me to take him too? Are you ok, Lord, do you need to lay down? OUCH, I was just kidding . Cant you take a joke? Ok, yes I do see Sir Poofter so I guess you can make a joke too. Alright, I guess I may as well get this over with.

"I am Arthur King of the Britons, and kindly do me a favor. Say it dont spray it. These robes are only a few weeks old and I have yet to finish my food stains collage on them. If I want to wash them, I will run them in a stream, not under your chin. What is it that you want with me? GOD has said that you are to join me on my quest, so how are you going to help me? And stop setting my servants on fire, I have a high enough insurance premium as it is. "

 

[Khadgar]

Tim

Tim turned his grit and char smeared face towards the voice. "You may call me.... Tim. i've come here to classify a deadly creature, figure out what it is.i thought perhaps it was a squirrel. it's said that it gets into such a horny fury that anything with an orifice around it will soon be dead...." Tim realizes behind the king are a group of disseveled and clothless chambermaids. "and it appears.... i have found it. stand back Arrrrrthur. and let merid you of.... your rodent problem."

Tim raised the tip of is staff and pointed it into the room behind Arthur....

 

[chewbacca71]

Arthur

"Egads, you loony; put that thing away. Cant you see that we are all somewhat busy? The only rodent that I see is you with your bucked teeth, was your mother a beaver? Anyway, I guess that I have to take you on the quest with me after all. Can you at least bathe? It does rain here from time to time, so that will help you out. So what can you do except light fires? Are you any good in a fight? "

 

[Khadgar]

Tim

Tim frowned "don't insult my mother like that! she and chompy made a wonderful couple. anyway, as you can see, i am.... a mage. i also have arrrcane knowledge about... anything...." Tim sniffed his armpit and exhaled smoke "i suppose i can bath... if i must."

 

[PmTick]

Sir Eric Come Again managed to drag himself to the castle gates, having fallen and hurt his foot during the earthquake. Once he got to the gates he yelled hoping someone would hear him this time. "Narrrrfffff Blllooooo"

 

[chewbacca71]

Arthur

Holding his nose, Arthur looks over at Tim. "Thank you very much for that . Hell, if you keep that arm up, who needs sorcery to kill other men. Excellent, now I have another person for the quest. Do be charitable and keep that trap shut will you. Looking at those teeth reminds me of Stonehedge. Did you hear that loud noise? Egads, what was that? Did someone run over the queen mother with a wagon ? And if not , could they? Tim, start serving your king and go see what the hell that noise was. If you are looking for me when you come back, check under the black skirt of the blonde chambermaid. Now begone whilst you. I have a tongue lashing to give............"

 

[Lauren Hynde]

GOD wasn't to be bothered with this puny business any longer, so he sent HIS spokesperson to give Arthur, King of the Britons, more specific details on the mission (GQ Special Edition: The Holy Grail).

The clouds parted in the sky, and down came, in his flying 1955 (what!? it could happen! ) pink and white Cadillac Fleetwood 60 Special,

The King:
http://ubl.artistdirect.com/Images/Sources/UBLPORTRAITS/overrides/elvis.jpg

"Thank you, thank you very much! Thank you, thank you very much!" He says to the group of starring peasants outside Camelot's gates. They were actually thinking Who the hell is this clown and what the fuck is that pink blimp he's riding, but don't tell him.

The King
http://ubl.artistdirect.com/Images/Sources/UBLPORTRAITS/overrides/elvis.jpg
is very sensible, and we don't want him to start crying. It would look bad...

Anyway, as he was approaching Camelot's gate, thanking the crowd for GOD knows what,
The King
http://ubl.artistdirect.com/Images/Sources/UBLPORTRAITS/overrides/elvis.jpg
saw poor Sir Eric Come Again, knocking outside the door, speaking the GOD forsaken language of the Come Again clan. Kneeling down besides the wounded knight, GOD's spokesperson placed his hands upon Sir Eric's leg and, uttering the lyrics of Teddy Bear in Old English, miraculously healing it (hopefully, it was the correct leg).

"There you go, little one. You can run and jump, and walk like an African swallow, once again. There's no need to thank me, thank me very much either. I was just doing GOD's honest work. Now come, let's meet your king: Arthur"

And The King
http://ubl.artistdirect.com/Images/Sources/UBLPORTRAITS/overrides/elvis.jpg
opened the door with one gesture and called out, his crystal voice echoing throughout the castle:

"Arthur, O Arthur! I bring your GQ instructions! Have the best set of knight in your service ready and come listen to what I have to say!"

 

[chewbacca71]

Arthur

Arthur looks up and sees a large pink object coming towards him. He had not seen something that big and pink since the widow Krysekiak pulled off her knickers and lifted her skirt. The man who stepped out of the pink creation seemed like a push over. He did not even have a proper knife or sword. A messenger of God, bah, Likelier a tourist gone awry. However, that Pink Chariot would look good floating in the moat. Arthur was making up his mind to attack this new person when he got a discreet tap on the shoulder. OOHH ya bastard, I said discreet. Oh, Hi GOD, I did not realize it was you. What do you mean I cant off this fat and happy bastard? I will make it a painless death, I promise. No no, that is quite alright thank you, I dont need to die right now either. I understand completely. Ok, lets go see who this new person is that he just let into my castle. Arthur walks over to the man who just came again . "You look kind of familiar you shifty eyed weasel, have we met before? "

 

[The GrandMage]

Sir Bors

He coughed, tugging up at his belt. He shifted his legs, coughing and drawing a large amount of flem into his mouth before spitting off to the side, where it happened to land on the shoe of Sir 'Hell-No-I-Ain't-Fightin'-'Im'.

Sir Bors was a very large and powerful man. He was also extremely tempermental and rude. He wore blue and white, and the symbol of his land, a boar's head, was displayed on his chest and sheild. He alsoi had a very nice tattoo of it on his right shoulder, but his armor covered it. His sheild was with his squire, who, at the moment, was doing a little accounting. He'd been gradually moving his way up from accounting, and was hoping to become a lion tamer. Next step was knight, then lion vet, then lion tamer. It had been a long time, working his way through banking and such, and he had a lovely hat, it said 'Lion Tamer' in lights, but he wasn't wearing it at the moment,.....

Anyway, Sir Bors, who used an extremely large battle axe, because he was an extremely large man, and tall and powerfully built, as well. In any case, he was walking towards the King, and that sniveling weasel who called himself King of the Britians. Patsy, the King's royal squire, was readying the coconuts, I mean, horse outside, and Brother Maynard was in a church several miles away, fondling a nun, I mean, reviewing the Book of Armaments.