The Psyche ~ how to protect it.

[shy slave]

Roscos thread on the vulnerability of Doms has had me thinking ...again

There are threads somewhere about sub-space, slave-space & aftercare but I don't want to discuss those areas in particular.

I am interested in the psyche of both the PYL & the pyl during a scene or afterwards. Not the immediate afterwards but the days following, particularly if it was a play session with someone you have no other relationship with.

Do PYL's feel they have a duty of care to a pyl psyche, particularly if it is a pyl they may never see again?

How do pyl's protect their own emotions and psyche or do they become 'attention sluts' waiting for their next fix.

Again there are threads here somewhere about mental preparations before a scene but how do PYL's protect their own psyche from emotional harm if the scene becomes very intense for both people. For example if a safe word is used or the pyl cries uncontrollably.?

How do they revert back to vanilla life in the days following, do they worry about the psychological damage that they may have inflicted or do they rely on the pyl, telling them whether it has happened?

If either person feels an element of psychological damage what do they do, do they talk to the other person or hide away or talk to someoen in the scene who can relate to those feelings?

I am guessing that in a relationship these things may be more easily talked of and resolved, but in a play session where they have no other involvement ...what then?

OTOH those who live in a 24/7 relationship have a difficult balancing act if the PYL chooses to open new doors or the pyl wishes to explore other avenues and this is agreed to. If a PYL has such an effect on a pyl's psyche or vice-versa how do you recover when you are living such an intense relationship? Is it easy to give each other space until you are able to talk about it, or do you have certain agreements before those bounderies are pushed?

Having talked to vanilla people about D/s relationships I know that many find it hard to understand how some of the more humiliating aspects can be given with care and love, if you are pushing a pyl's boundries, unwittingly or otherwise, the risk of an adverse psychological reaction by the PYL or pyl is surely increased.

Feel free to argue greatly with that last sentence, I look forward to hearing your thoughts and if anyone has links to articles etc they would also be appreciated.

 

[SueJ]

Wow, what GREAT discussion topics. I don't have any answers (monogamous), but these are questions that interest me too. 'Hope lots of folks with experience in these issues jump in here.

Sue

 

[Netzach]

If I have issues after a scene with a casual partner, I take responsibility for my own aftercare and talk to people in the scene I trust, it doesn't always have to involve talking TO that other person, although that's usually ideal when you have a relationship you want to preserve. You can take care of yourself and play casually, you just have to take care of YOURSELF more often, it's not a foregone conclusion that the Top will babysit the bottom through all the emotional fallout.

 

[shy slave]

If I have issues after a scene with a casual partner, I take responsibility for my own aftercare and talk to people in the scene I trust, it doesn't always have to involve talking TO that other person, although that's usually ideal when you have a relationship you want to preserve. You can take care of yourself and play casually, you just have to take care of YOURSELF more often, it's not a foregone conclusion that the Top will babysit the bottom through all the emotional fallout.

I agree Net its not a foregone conclusion, particularly with a casula partner, but I speak to many bottoms who think it is only the Tops responsibilty and fail to see that submission does not prevent them from taking pyschological precautions.

You say you have 'to take care of yourself more often,' could you explain how you do that and what if any pitfalls you have found.

I realise I am asking personal questions, so if they are too intrusive feel free to ignore them x

 

[Netzach]

Sure...
if I am wigged out after something I've done to someone else, even if they liked it...

I call my friends and talk about it
I talk to other Dommes I know and trust who have been there
I write about it in my journal
I put on music I like and zone out
I get in a bathtub
I paint my toenails the way I like them
I might cry
I might watch a funny distracting movie

I do any of the kind of standard self-care things that I find pleasurable, or I find someone to talk to about the way I feel. I might get my slave or M to pamper me in some way, to rub my feet or my head, to take care of me, or even just a good friend to give me a backrub or a hug.

If you can't get what you need from anyone OTHER than your Top, you have invested too much in the exchange to be playing casually, in my opinion.

 

[shy slave]

Sure...
if I am wigged out after something I've done to someone else, even if they liked it...

I call my friends and talk about it
I talk to other Dommes I know and trust who have been there
I write about it in my journal
I put on music I like and zone out
I get in a bathtub
I paint my toenails the way I like them
I might cry
I might watch a funny distracting movie

I do any of the kind of standard self-care things that I find pleasurable, or I find someone to talk to about the way I feel. I might get my slave or M to pamper me in some way, to rub my feet or my head, to take care of me, or even just a good friend to give me a backrub or a hug.

If you can't get what you need from anyone OTHER than your Top, you have invested too much in the exchange to be playing casually, in my opinion.

Good advice, but what happens if those things fail...

I am thinking about in the earl stages of discovering BDSM, when everything feels so very new and intense,

have people had times when the 'fail-safe mechanism' failed....then what?

 

[Kajira Callista]

Good advice, but what happens if those things fail...

I am thinking about in the earl stages of discovering BDSM, when everything feels so very new and intense,

have people had times when the 'fail-safe mechanism' failed....then what?

Find your shut off switch and flip it until you are ready to re-access. I have been known to walk around in a semi-subspace state til i felt all the reg emotions involved in a scene subside and then attack whatever demon popped up. I am slightly anti-aftercare when it comes to myself, i kind of feel like a dominant does the driving and shouldnt have to be a mechanic...unless they feel like being one.

 

[Netzach]

KC I'm with you on the whole aftercare issue, actually. I've never provided nor had to provide really intensive aftercare with planned scenes. I am certainly good for a reassuring hug, a follow up call, a kind word of acknowledgement, when I feel they are needed/merited, and sometimes they are not needed or wanted.

I don't tend to play with people who come apart and I don't want to.

I've certainly had moments IN a scene where I've had to keep things cool and on track, pause, reassure, stop, hold together, carry someone through a catharsis, all that. I'm not talking about being completely detached, but I think that making aftercare into a huge totemic obligation has really limited a lot of people's *skills* as bottoms. I think protecting yourself and knowing your needs in advance of a scene is a bottoming skill.

Part of that knowing is being able to ASK your top for the kind of aftercare you need! If you know you get shocky and need to be hugged and warmed, you have an obligation to say so. So many people are afraid to ask for things because they fear being labeled pushy or something, well, if you don't know your Top that well, it's not pushy, it's informative and useful.

I think that warm blankets are a good idea after immobilizing bondage, but they are not always the right thing after a sound spanking. Sometimes some quality time with a foot on the face is good aftercare.

shy, it's a valid question, what to do if the usual is not working, but there's no straight answer to it, it's going to be very individual. Someone might do well to just wait, someone else might have to find a therapist, someone else might have to go get beaten again much harder to forget the icky experience, everyone's going to handle it differently and what's approrpriate for one person is not going to be for another.

For me, what worked best was time and time out and away from the play and the players involved. Of course, I had the epiphany that bottoming was really a bad place for me and was never going to be productive, so take that with a grain of salt.

 

[Marquis]

KC I'm with you on the whole aftercare issue, actually. I've never provided nor had to provide really intensive aftercare with planned scenes. I am certainly good for a reassuring hug, a follow up call, a kind word of acknowledgement, when I feel they are needed/merited, and sometimes they are not needed or wanted.

I don't tend to play with people who come apart and I don't want to.

I've certainly had moments IN a scene where I've had to keep things cool and on track, pause, reassure, stop, hold together, carry someone through a catharsis, all that. I'm not talking about being completely detached, but I think that making aftercare into a huge totemic obligation has really limited a lot of people's *skills* as bottoms. I think protecting yourself and knowing your needs in advance of a scene is a bottoming skill.

Part of that knowing is being able to ASK your top for the kind of aftercare you need! If you know you get shocky and need to be hugged and warmed, you have an obligation to say so. So many people are afraid to ask for things because they fear being labeled pushy or something, well, if you don't know your Top that well, it's not pushy, it's informative and useful.

I think that warm blankets are a good idea after immobilizing bondage, but they are not always the right thing after a sound spanking. Sometimes some quality time with a foot on the face is good aftercare.

shy, it's a valid question, what to do if the usual is not working, but there's no straight answer to it, it's going to be very individual. Someone might do well to just wait, someone else might have to find a therapist, someone else might have to go get beaten again much harder to forget the icky experience, everyone's going to handle it differently and what's approrpriate for one person is not going to be for another.

For me, what worked best was time and time out and away from the play and the players involved. Of course, I had the epiphany that bottoming was really a bad place for me and was never going to be productive, so take that with a grain of salt.

Netzach, you are back with a vengeance.

Gospel quality post.