The proverbial 'moving on' syndrome...(long)

[esclave_PP]

I don't know if this is just a cyclical event with me, but every few months (usually 6 mo. or so) I begin to get doubt about the M/s relationship I am in. I begin to think that this Master or Mistress just isn't a good match anymore. I feel like I need to move on and I hate feeling like this.

Such is the case for me right now. I've been in my M/s relationship with Master for seven years. He is not a bad man, just not very attentive. He was in person, but now that we transitioned to online, I am lucky if I talk to him once a week. I am on orgasm denial unless given permission so it leaves me in a state, especially if I don't see him.

My current situation isn't a bad one, I have a fabulous Master who has been in the lifestyle at least 20 years, whom I have been with for 7 yet now that we have moved so far away from one another, trying to continue the relationship online has been getting progressively harder and harder for me.

I've always been RT with any Master or Mistress I've been with, and this 'virtual serving' is really messing with my mind. I am left with doubt, insecurity, and wondering if it is still worth pursuing the relationship.

Please don't get me wrong, I love Master with all my heart, but I keep thinking am I selfish for wanting more, selfish for getting more time with him and connecting on that deep level we used to have? Is it okay to be needy? Is it okay to crave sessions?

Now the weird thing is that I have been in the lifestyle since I was 18 (I'm 36) and I know the drill by now, but I am wondering for those that do have online relations with their Master or Mistress how do you handle the distance? How do you manage the emotions? I miss him horribly, and Master knows this, but he also knows how hard this is on me. He is all the way in Vegas and I am in Florida.

My other problem is that Master admitted to feeling like he'd lose me at any minute (hence him having me sign a lifetime contract -- which at this point feels like a huge ball and chain and not the fun kind). He's so possessive, that I feel like I can't breathe. Again, I love being owned, I love serving, it is who I am, and I enjoy serving in any capacity, but real time. It isn't even a matter of trust. We both trust each other. I seem to have a hangup with online...Master said he just wanted to take me somewhere isolated so that no one could take me away from him.

Yet, he is barely available, hardly sends e-mail or offline, and it can be days before I hear from him, hence doubt clouding my mind. Let me mention that Master does not lie to me, and would tell me if he found a slave to play with, etc.

Besides just the regular advice that everyone has, if you've been in a similar situation, please share how you cope, how you deal, how you problem solve -- I am at my wits end really. I appreciate any feedback....thank you so much!

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[esclave_PP]

Thank you cutie! I appreciate your hugs and honesty! It is painful because I have a very strong bond with Master...but I have been talking to a few folks I know in the lifestyle and they are telling me to move on but I can't because of my contract...it's a really messed up situation in a lot of ways...thank you for the support!

 

[gingermango]

.but I have been talking to a few folks I know in the lifestyle and they are telling me to move on but I can't because of my contract..

What do you think he'll do, sue you? Come now, "contracts" like that are not legally enforceable(*) - they're symbolic. If the relationship which gave rise to the feelings is no longer valid, the "contract" is voidable - go ahead and void it! If you think that ethically you can't do that, then you should re-think your ethics, perhaps. It's not unethical to rethink any relationship which turns out badly because it's not satisfying to both parties.

Explain your needs to your Master - tell him things have to change and why and offer suggestions; if this relationship is important to you, seek compromise. If it's important to him, he'll offer compromise.

But let me tell you - life is too damned short to be stuck in a dead-end, going-nowhere relationship of any sort, kinky or not.

Just my two cents worth. Good luck in whatever you choose to do.

(*)Disclaimer - I am an attorney but unless you live in Tennessee I am not licensed to practice law in your jurisdiction. This post is intended for general informational purposes only and no attorney-client relationship is intended, created or implied.

 

[catalina_francisco]

No chance of living closer or together? Failing that, I think it sounds as though you are in a place which cannot be healthy for you in any way. I understand it is not easy to walk away from, nor something that can be trivialised and done with easily, but life is also short and you have the right to make the best of every moment you have. In all honesty, if you have shared with him your feelings, your needs, and all he can offer is his fear of losing you, there is a gap which is widening. If he knows of your feelings couldn't he make an effort to be more available online, send an email or ecard to let you know he cares and is there for you in some context? As to getting you to sign a lifetime contract to reassure him he would not lose you, that is not the usual motivation behind making that commitment and sounds as if he used his emotions to make you feel obligated to sign it. Is that then valid in it's commitment value?

Online is never easy to maintain, especially if it comes as in your case, after RL. It requires a lot of input from both parties, not just one. I can relate to your loss of the real, and especially sessions. Online sessioning pales in comparison to the real IMO, and it sounds as if you feel the same. Only you can decide what is right for you, weigh up the pros and cons, but I also hope you don't get to a point where it becomes an unpleasant memory because you felt obligated to remain where you were not happy. You have both shared a rich history and can validate it for what it is, but if it is no longer filfilling needs can you make believe to yourself it is?
You do have a right to be happy, in fact I am a believer that being trapped in unhappy situations and not dealing with issues can lead to serious health conditions.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

I have a long distance slave on the east coast. I speak to him almost every day in some form. This isn't just because I'm an indulgent cream puff of a Domme, but because I intend to keep his attention and I know that if the months between visits are nothing but torture, the relationship is doomed.

Slavery needs to be watered and fed periodically to be kept alive. Simple.

Being a slave does not make you some kind of superhuman with no needs. I think you are bumping up against this realization and it's sticking in your craw because in your gut you KNOW this situation is not one you can maintain indefinitely without some change.

 

[sunfox]

First off.. let me say that you have been very lucky in your relationship to have that kind of time together, and to enjoy such closeness. That's a wonderful thing.

But my instinct is to feel very much the way that Catalina does... that the tenor of the relationship is becoming on the edge of unhealthy. The reason for the lifetime contract being because of his fear of losing you, and the mentions of his possessiveness... honestly, I think it would be wise to discuss with him options towards some form of compromise that is more fair for you.

You are used to a more 'hands on' approach, pun not intended, and now you get nearly none of that, and even what online time you have seems immensely limited. I can perfectly understand caring for someone and not wanting to hurt them by leaving.. but submission doesn't necessarily mean twiddling your thumbs for the rest of your life, bored and alone. If your needs aren't being met, then perhaps it's time to have a serious talk with him about options to pursue that will make things better.

I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time, malcah_ms.

 

[A Desert Rose]

... I'm an indulgent cream puff of a Domme...

Well, you just burst my balloon, I'll have you know.

 

[shy slave]

Sorry to hear things are not as you would wish at the moment.

I found on-line far too difficult so I know a little of how it feels.

I don't think your needy or selfish. You have discovered a way of life you enjoy and now its not happenening for you.

He should be flattered that you crave sessions.

I hope he is not lying to you, when he is unavailable. Days without talking is hard.

I can't imagine Netzach as a 'cream puff' but lack of attention is not healthy in any relationship. Communication is important otherwise you end up filled with doubts and fears.

I bet you have tried talking to him and explaining. Remember Doms are men and sometimes men can be a little .....um...dim.

His behaviour coupled with his wish for you to sign a contract do not make sense to me.

I would want to know why a contract now when he seems intent on making you unhappy.

gingermango points out the contract is su=ymbolic; buts its a hell of a symbol. Don't let him make you feel this is all your issue. It belongs to him too.

I know you can get through this you are a strong person. Submission doesn't mean weak its the hardest thing to do.

Take care xx

 

[esclave_PP]

Thank you so much! All the feedback has been invaluable. As an aside I can't see Netzach as a creme puff either

I have a lot of thinking and planning to do, and will try and get through this.

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart!

 

[esclave_PP]

I did it. He isn't happy but I feel relieved.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I did it. He isn't happy but I feel relieved.

You know what bothered me most about your original post?

the comment you made about this being cyclical.

That is a bad sign, or was for me at least. And it says a lot about this whole relationship.

I'm glad you did this and keep in mind what I told you in PM... OK?

 

[Desdemona]

What you're going through is so very hard. I know. But you seem like a strong woman and you will come out on the other side ready to find your bliss. That faith keeps me going every single day in my own situation.

 

[A's Sweet Baby]

Oh M!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) I hope things settle for you and you find happiness!!!!!

 

[Shadowsdream]

Lets look at it from a Dommes side who is also in a LDR after 4 years of 24/7 with the slave of Her choice...Uh huh...Moi!

My slave and I have been together since 1999. I moved to Sweden for 1 year to see if I liked it or not and stayed almost 4 years before deciding it was too limiting to Me as a Domme, due to language which effected My ability to move as deeply within the BDSM community as I am accustomed to.

Those of you who have known Me here at Lit during these years know that I take ownership of My slave seriously. he is in chastity, collared, tattooed and under a lifetime contract. he is also 18 years My junior.

This slave had the option of moving to Canada with Me or coming later. he has made a concious decision to remain with his friends, family and career. I do not hold this against him nor will I spend the rest of My life living alone and controlling him online at his convenience...9 hour time differences are murder to deal with and have a life.

This slave is encouraged to attend BDSM events and he knows that even under a lifetime contract if he were to stumble upon a Domme living in his Country I would release him in a heart beat and support his transition. At this point the slave has no interest in such a move. I expect he will remain Mine for a very long time or forever....

I speak with him every day online for about 10 minutes but when he asks Me what he can do for Me...(Meaning to himself most times) I simply get annoyed. I do not nor ever have enjoyed Dominating online. That will not change simply because he chooses to live in a Country I am not in. Yes I do train him online a few times a week..but do I enjoy it? No, I simply understand that I own this man and have a certain obligation to control him between visits that W/we make to each other.

It is never easy to move from realtime 24/7 to LDR online...I hope that you will be kind to each other as you move on.

 

[esclave_PP]

We're both mature enough to maintain at least a friendship. He took the news hard, and is a bit numb. He is having a hard time formulating his thoughts. Even though we've discussed these issues before, I do believe he thought things were okay!

ADR, very much so I have and I thank you a lot -- a lot a lot. It was perhaps the best advice I've gotten in a long time.

At this point, I made my decision, I am being strong about it, and I will always be kind to him. I am not a mean-hearted person. It was hard enough to do this (was putting it off since March). But this time I will not slide back. I am hoping for positive things moving on, and I hope that he heals okay. I hate hurting people, and this was just so hard to do.

Thank you again everyone for your kind support, wise words, and hopeful wishes. I may be a bit melancholy for awhile, but it was the right thing to do. He needs to find a local wench and I believe I just need to be me for awhile. I will always have a spot in my heart for him and he knows that. But as I told him back in March, long distance is just too hard for me. I just can't do it. So regardless of what he writes back, I just need to stay strong and seek out my friends, cry, vent and move forward.

 

[Bandit58]

{{{{{{{malcah}}}}}}}}

Online relationships are very hard, I found that unless there was regular contact, whether by chat or email, it was like I was living in limbo. Always waiting it seemed. For him to come online, to send an email, and counting the days until we could see each other. And the waiting would never seem to end. This was the man I was seeing prior to meeting Master, and it was not a D/s relationship.

After that ended, Master and I became closer online. When I decided to fly over to meet Him, we had 4 months to wait. We did a little D/s play online and the phone, just for me to get a "feel" for it, because I was totally new at subbing We had contact nearly every day with Yahoo chat. If one or the other of us was going to be too busy to get online, we would send a quick email so the other would not worry. By the time that 4 months ended, and we finally met, it was the most wonderful time I've ever had with anyone. I was with Him for 3 weeks, and during that time I decided to come back and we would make the relationship permanent.

That meant another 6 weeks to wait, because I was moving to another country and had to sell and get rid of heaps of stuff and there was a lot to organise. Again, there was almost daily contact. I don't think I could have survived without it! This time the waiting was worse, because we knew each other for real now and online play was not brought up - it just would not have worked for us then.

malcah I feel for you......it's always hard when something ends (or changes, in your case). But imo it was unfair of him to expect you to hang around waiting for him, virtually putting your life on hold. Regarding the contract - people's lives and circumstances change. No doubt when you signed it, you expected to have him with you in real time. I'm glad that you told him your feelings Online for Master and me was mostly a time of getting to know each other better, and waiting for real time life together. We knew when there would be an end to it, so while it was hard, we got through it

 

[~hellbaby~]

We're both mature enough to maintain at least a friendship. He took the news hard, and is a bit numb. He is having a hard time formulating his thoughts. Even though we've discussed these issues before, I do believe he thought things were okay!

A few thoughts..This is only my opinion and experience with somewhat similar suituations. I think you knew from the beginning of your questioning what was right for you,the hard part is following your instincts even when you know it will cause you pain,thus on some level you hope that by questioning it someone will offer a glimpse of hope in the direction you wish the relationship was headed,a justification to rationalize that the path may take new direction.
There is no easy way to cope with unpleasantries and hurt, they invade your mind, you wish it was otherwise but know someday the hurt will ease and eventually {hopefully}leave you with beautiful memories and lessons learned, both good and bad.
And finally, and for me this was the hardest reality. When things are good and growing, is very easy to talk about a bond and promise that no matter what~ your friendship will prevail.You know that connection will always be there. Sometimes though, no matter how hard you both may try to keep this promise and may both want to keep it, it just is not possible. Sometimes it makes it worse because you 'understand' the reasons why you cannot continue being friends and out of love and respect for another's well being you accept this,even though you feel like your dying inside. That I suppose is truely the sign of 'real' friendship, to let your heart break for another persons peace of mind to remain in tact.
I realize I went a bit off topic here,sorry, I think I just needed to get that out so I can stop hoping and avoiding reality....