twelveoone
ground zero
- Joined
- Mar 13, 2004
- Posts
- 5,882
I just composed a poem:
My Hand Controller Shakes on its Own
Billy was a strange ranger
became a pastor, passes out
snakes and strychnine.
Verily, he speaks in tongues
but it all sounds like the Bird is the Word
and Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong.
I blame it all on Donkey Kong.
Billy just had to get to the next level
in the great video game of God.
clearly, without saying much, it is better than half of new poems. I realize it is not going to tickle many "poetic cuttlebones". It sounds OK, cue- it is sarcastic so a shift is required from normal voicing. Despite it being loaded, why would I consider it pap?
First what works. The off page references, song and video game titles support.
There is a slight shift, "I blame it all on Donkey Kong" it does not go straight though.
I start talking about a strange religion shift it to video games and tie it together in the last two lines.
The shift is a very important trick, learn it. It is more important than assonance, which anybody can make of.
Why is it pap?
1.) There really isn't anything that unusual in the wording that sets it off.
2.) It only does one thing. In my defense, there are another three lines that add something more to this section, which in context to the greater whole, will play a part of character definition. This is the same thing you want to do for either poetry or prose. You need to go back, read it and add or subtract accordingly.
My question is are you as ruthless on your own work, as you would be on someone else's. You should be even more so.
Catch my drift, multiple submitters.
Well enough talk about me&you.
The Shift:
This person rarely wrote pap and was a master of the shift. She had very strong lines but had the good sense not to overwhelm you. Her shift often generates two views, one straight on, the other like a Goya painting.
WickedEve
Check her out, it may cost you your soul (but looking around) it may be worth it just to learn a few things. It took me two years to figure it out, and here I am pointing the way.
My Hand Controller Shakes on its Own
Billy was a strange ranger
became a pastor, passes out
snakes and strychnine.
Verily, he speaks in tongues
but it all sounds like the Bird is the Word
and Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong.
I blame it all on Donkey Kong.
Billy just had to get to the next level
in the great video game of God.
clearly, without saying much, it is better than half of new poems. I realize it is not going to tickle many "poetic cuttlebones". It sounds OK, cue- it is sarcastic so a shift is required from normal voicing. Despite it being loaded, why would I consider it pap?
First what works. The off page references, song and video game titles support.
There is a slight shift, "I blame it all on Donkey Kong" it does not go straight though.
I start talking about a strange religion shift it to video games and tie it together in the last two lines.
The shift is a very important trick, learn it. It is more important than assonance, which anybody can make of.
Why is it pap?
1.) There really isn't anything that unusual in the wording that sets it off.
2.) It only does one thing. In my defense, there are another three lines that add something more to this section, which in context to the greater whole, will play a part of character definition. This is the same thing you want to do for either poetry or prose. You need to go back, read it and add or subtract accordingly.
My question is are you as ruthless on your own work, as you would be on someone else's. You should be even more so.
Catch my drift, multiple submitters.
Well enough talk about me&you.
The Shift:
This person rarely wrote pap and was a master of the shift. She had very strong lines but had the good sense not to overwhelm you. Her shift often generates two views, one straight on, the other like a Goya painting.
WickedEve
Check her out, it may cost you your soul (but looking around
) it may be worth it just to learn a few things. It took me two years to figure it out, and here I am pointing the way.
if I had only known what he was talking about, I might have picked up on the time "shift", there he tries to match the word choice with the age. He does his homework. I just wasn't up on it. Well that's just another problem poets have to deal with - off page referential material.
