The Orgy (help a newbie, please?)

[jeutsler]

-brand new here and unsure of the proper etiquette. Help or guidance would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks-jennifer.

The Orgy

Teasing, twisted, intertwined,
a devilish debauch, divine.
Bodies bright and beautiful,
no one could resist the pull.
A tasty tangle, arms and legs,
gasping giggles, pant and beg,
feast of flesh everywhere,
striking, stroking, skin and hair.
Flights of fancy without end,
a frenzied fantasy with friends.
Marbled moonlight marks the time,
age-old rhythms create rhyme.
A moaning, panting symphony
titled simply, "The Orgy".
---------je(jeutsler)

 

[_Land]

-brand new here and unsure of the proper etiquette. Help or guidance would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks-jennifer.

The Orgy

Teasing, twisted, intertwined,
a devilish debauch, divine.
Bodies bright and beautiful,
no one could resist the pull.
A tasty tangle, arms and legs,
gasping giggles, pant and beg,
feast of flesh everywhere,
striking, stroking, skin and hair.
Flights of fancy without end,
a frenzied fantasy with friends.
Marbled moonlight marks the time,
age-old rhythms create rhyme.
A moaning, panting symphony
titled simply, "The Orgy".
---------je(jeutsler)

thanks for posting your POEM, Jennifer, Not sure exaclty what you are looking for, but i will give a couple of my opinions.
Drop the last line it is repetitive of the title, and you dont need to force rhyme for the last line........ just delete it..... end with symphony.............I really like the imagery of that line it is an appropriate ending.
Striking? sticks out like a sore thumb to me....... dont know why, but it does.
instead of create, use the extended form, creating it fits better more symetry i think
one other note, I go frome imagery of devilish sin devine to beauty in a rather untransitional way......... the first part leaves me feeling, looking for sin, then the next line exudes innocence... dirty up the second part a little LOL i was so ready for Sin..... might be able to tie it in with pull better too


just a few things I noticed............It has all the makings of a great poem


I love the marbled moonlight ....... really loved it
keep posting, would love to see more of your poetry _Land

 

[OT]

The lines
"Teasing twisted intertwined"
and
"A tasty tangle of arms and legs"
felt good on my tongue.

One big stanza and the punctuation threw me off a bit.
Some of the wording and rhymes felt a little forced.



O.T.

peek at my stuff

 

[TheDR4KE]

I really loved this poem. I'm too worn out to comment on little things that I would change, but I did want to say that it was a pleasure to read.

Great work.

Drake