The One And Only Joke Thread

Dillinger

Guerrilla Ontologist
Joined
Sep 19, 2000
Posts
26,152
I have some jokes to post. Being a responsible citizen I decided to search for a joke thread to post it to, instead of starting yet another joke thread. Out of the 129 joke threads I found, I couldn't figure out which one to revive!

So this is the 130th joke thread on the General Board... Lets see how long we can keep it alive. Is it presumptuous of me to think this can become <b>THE</b> joke thread?

Here we go:

Q: What should you do if a prett girl sits on your hand?

A: Try to get her off.
 
A man goes to his docotor about a nagging migraine.

"Whenever I have a migraine," the doctor says, "I'll go home and soak in a hot bath. Then I take my wife into the bedroom and have sex. Amost immediately, the headache is gone. Try it and come back in six weeks."

Six weeks later the patient returns with a big grin.

"It worked!" he exclaims. "I can't thank you enough!"

"Glad to help," says the doctor.

"By the way," the patient adds, "you have a really nice house."
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."
 
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me two double vodkas."

The bartender says, "Wow! You must've had one hell of a day."

"Yep. I just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy comes into the bar and asks for another pair of doubles. "I just found out my younger brother is gay, too," he explains.

On the third day, the guy enters the bar and orders another two double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."
 
1. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather...kinky is using the whole chicken.

2. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

3. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well-hung

4. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
The one that's labeled "IDAHO"

5. What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A robber snatches watches.


6. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....The
other is used to carry groceries.
 
A man walks into a bar and asks for a cold beer.

"Certainly. That'll be one cent."

"One penny!" Exclaims the guy. "How much for a nice, juicy T-bone steak with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Let's see," replies the bartender, "that comes to... four cents."

"Only four cents?" says the guy. "Where's the financial genius who owns this place?'

"Upstairs doing to my wife what I'm doing to his business."
 
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent self-assured princess happened upon a
frog, as she sat contemplating ecological issues on
the shores of a pond in a meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said,
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince until an
evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you,
however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young
prince that I am. Then my sweet, we can marry and
setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where
you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my
children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing
so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs,
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't fucking
think so."
 
Why are New Yorkers so angry?
Because the light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey...
 
More on Bill

Mike was in the Microsoft VIP lounge last week en route to
Seattle. While in the lounge, he noticed Bill Gates sitting on the
Chesterfield enjoying a cognac. Mike was meeting a very important prospective client who was also flying to Seattle with him but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, Mike approached Mr. Gates and introduced himself. He explained to Mr. Gates that he was trying to lure a very important client into a business venture and how much he would appreciate it if Mr. Gates could throw a quick "Hello Mike" at him when the prospective client showed up.

Mr. Gates agreed.

Ten minutes later, while Mike was conversing with his
client, he felt a tap on his shoulder. It was Bill Gates. Mike turned
around and looked up at Mr. Gates who said, "Hey Mike old buddy, what's happening?"

To which Mike replied, "Fuck off Gates. Can't you see I'm in a meeting?"
 
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their
favorite sex position.
One says "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says
the other cowboy, "What is it?"
"Well, its where you get your girlfriend down on all
fours, and you mount her from behind and you reach
around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands,
and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just
like your sister's" and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."
 
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked,
"Who here has ever seen a ghost?"
Most of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?"
About half the hands stay up.

"Okay, now how many of you have had *physical* contact with a ghost?"
Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd.

"Gosh, that's pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh..., been
*intimate* with a ghost?"
One hand stays up. The speaker blinks.

"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had *sexual*
contact with a ghost?"
The fellow suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry,... I thought
you said goat!"
 
Wave the towel

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very muchin love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a handsome, strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help; the young wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm, and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says triumphantly: "You see, you schmuck? THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
 
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