The no mood problem, need some help

[Jhonny88]

Hi to all,

Im new to this forum, and im reading it for some time, but only now i decided to post, as i cant teach anything new, but i have many things im curious about.

The problem i want to talk about is that my wife always say she dont have mood for sex at all, and this have been going since she got pregnant with our second son, the baby is 3 month old now, so as you can all see i dont have sex for a year already.

Before our first baby, we had a regular sex life. Although my wife is not into oral, both gioving and receiving (so unfortunate of me), we had quite good sex. After the first baby she started with this "no mood" thing, and we had sex not very often as before, sometimes once a month

Now after she got pregnant with the second baby, and the baby was born 3 motnhs ago, her "no mood" is rely "no mood". I try to talk about it and sometimes i even try to touch her and when i make some moves she simply cut my moves.

i hear aobut other cases like this, shes not the only one, but does anybody hear also about this problems? What can i do to help get her mood back ? Im a very into sex guy, and its hurting me a lot not to have it for so long time. I dont want to have to find a partner, but im not made of steel.....

Any comments?


thanks

 

[Vixandra]

Have you tried talking to her? Were you a complete Casinova before you were married and turned into a "pump pump, I'm done, zzzzzz" man after wards?

 

[Jhonny88]

Sure i talked to her but always get the same answer "no mood" and " I dont know why but i dont need sex now"....

No i didnt turn into a pump pump im done hahaha, in fact i dont mind to try new things, too bad shes not that open minded like i am

 

[Bobmi357]

Oh boy.... reading this is like reading the history of my first marriage.

Jhonny, first off you do need to understand that if your wife is a stay at home mom, those kids and their needs will run her ragged. Being tired is certainly one reason for a flagging libido. If this isn't just a case of being tired from caring for the kids, then you have a real problem on your hands.

The problem is if your wife doesn't see it that way, you'll end up in the same boat I was in nearly 12 years ago. Married to a woman that refused to have sex at all. For the last 2 years of our marriage, there was none to be had.

Lack of libido is only just coming to be considered as a form of sexual dysfunction. So medicine isn't really up to speed yet on it, treating it or even helping you with it.

The biggest problem is that she thinks if she's not in the mood, then no one else can be in the mood either. Without even realizing what is happening, she took control over your sex life and strangled it. For a while you'll live with it, accepting it stoically, but eventually you will come to resent it, come to resent her and come to resent yourself.

The worst possible course of action is to do nothing. If you do nothing, then it becomes the de facto standard for your relationship and makes it harder for you to put things aright.

When my second wife experienced a similar loss of libido, I have to admit I went into a panic. I found myself falling into old patterns and when I saw what I doing, I decided I would not allow what happened in my first marriage to happen in my second one.

One night I sat my wife down and explained the whole she-bang to her. I told her how her lack of desire was hurting our relationship, how I felt unwanted, how I did not want a repeat of what happened in the first marriage, but thats exactly where we were headed if things didn't change.

Your very first step should be to sit her down and start talking. Don't accuse, don't yell, don't point fingers. Instead, tell her what you're feeling. Be honest, tell her what kind of damage she is causing both to the relationship and to your love for her. Tell her that marriage means that you equally share a responsibility to look after the needs of each other. That doesn't mean just paying the bills and making sure there is a roof over her head. Try to make her understand that her actions are causing problems and if they aren't addressed, the relationship is in serious trouble. She needs to understand that what she is doing isn't normal.

I was lucky. My wife saw what she was doing was wrong, and though she still suffers from a low libido, she is trying to correct the situation. It still causes me no end of frustration sometimes, and trying to turn her on is sometimes next to impossible. But I can see that she's trying for our sake, and that is what matters.

You need to do the same. And hopefully your wife will recognize what you are saying. If she doesn't then you have only three options.

1) Learn to live with it and plan on subscribing to playboy to give yourself some masturbation material.

2) Get out of that relationship. Lack of sex IS grounds for divorce in every state in this country.

3) Ask her to allow you to have a more open ended relationship, this way you can find yourself someone on the side. Personally I dislike this option because its really not fair to that someone. But different strokes for different folks.

Hope some of this helps Jhonny.

 

[Nicole]

I obviously can't talk for your wife, but I know that when I had my son I wasn't in the mood for anything from about 6 weeks pregnant right up until my son turned 10 months, then I wanted it and would have done anything to get it LOL.

Your wife will be tired, she now has two children to care for, one wanting food of her quite regularly, if she's breastfeeding she may not want to "share" herself with you at this point, (I wouldn't know about that as I bottle fed) however a friend said it took her a while to feel sexy while breast feeding.

Do you help with the baby? Remember that just because you feel you do enough, she probably doesn't feel the same way. Having a baby and raising a baby is hard enough without having to worry about an older child, cleaning the house, feeding her husband and keeping herself. Maybe you could go out of your way and do something for her, clean the house while she sits down and relaxes, take the children off her hands and run a nice hot bath for her, cook the dinner and let her put her feet up.

These are only suggestions, but really the biggest one would be ... DO NOT get on her back about not giving you any, the babies only three months old, hell she could still be a little sore from giving birth (believe me, you still can be when you get a slight infection).

Talk to her and let her know how you feel, do it in a non threatening manner and outside of the bedroom, don't get angry and upset at her, just ask her what you could do to help out, and suggest things yourself (like cleaning the house, or taking her out).

Remember this though, you may be sitting there right now saying "But I go out and work, I shouldn't have to do any of that" ... Running around after 2 children is damn hard work, and it's a 24/7 job, with no time off, no sick time and no holidays, give her a break too.

I wish you luck, and I hope that you can soon get some loving back ... just be a little patient.

 

[Weird Harold]

After the first baby she started with this "no mood" thing, and we had sex not very often as before, sometimes once a month

Now after she got pregnant with the second baby, and the baby was born 3 motnhs ago, her "no mood" is rely "no mood".

Web-Search for information on "post-partum depression."

It sounds like she never recovered from the first baby before becoming pregnant with the second.

It also sounds like she wasn't very happy about having another baby -- was it planned or does she have a reason to feel like you're treating her as a "baby-machine."

I'd recommend a professional counselor for both of you; most churches and/or county health departments can guide you to free or low-cost counseling.

 

[wicked woman]

Post partum depression (in addition to being tired and placing the children as a first priority that Bob already mentioned) came to my mind too. Why don't you have her see her doctor just to make sure everything is ok?

 

[Guest]

Not wanting to have sex for awhile after giving birth is very common. It is not just your wife, many women go through this (myself included). On top of everything that has already been mentioned here (the tiredness from taking care of the kids, possible soreness), you have to realize that her hormones are still totally out of whack from her pregnancy. It can take a woman's hormones up to a year after having a baby to get back to normal.

Plus, if she is still carrying around some of the baby weight that can add to her feelings of *unsexiness.*

With your newest addition being only three months old, I think right now the main thing your wife needs is time. You definitely need to talk to her about how you are feeling about the situation, but the worst thing you can do is push her and bug her for sex, that will just make her resentful. The suggestion given about supporting her and being sure that you help with the house and kids is important too.

Good luck and congratulations on the new addition to your family.

 

[Jhonny88]

Hi again, and thanks so much for all the replys.

I talk about this with her sometimes and never sout or yell, just try to make it a conversation, but i think i will have to give her some more time.

I do help at home many times, i bath the older kid and she bathes the baby, when she is in her day off (im also in mine) i will get up early in the morning to feed the baby (shes not breastfeeding).

My wife is not much of the kind to go out much, but i know sometimes she wants to go out for a drink with some friends, so when it happens i stay home with the kids, that is ok as is not happening all the time.

One problem is that she works from 2pm until 9 pm, in the morning shes at home and then go to work, so she will go home tired and i guess thats helping for this situation, but right now we cant afford for her to quit that job.

Its not easy but i hope that some time from now she will get her libido back, at least like it was before the first baby is alright with me hehehe, i have to admit that sometimes she was the one to ask for sex and i never refused it but sometimes i did think to myself "ohh shes so boring " cause i wanted to sleep hehehe, but never refused it of course

Im feeling better with all of the things i read here, and i will keep around in this forum. Great people here.

Thanks

 

[CelticFrog]

PPD

I just want to reiterate the importance of getting your wife seen for the possibility of PostPartum Depression. It's mega important. I got seen two months after our son was born because at that checkup my doctor TOLD me I had the psychosis version of PPD. I could hide depression from people, not the psychosis.

Your wife may be tired, she may still be sore for all I know. But in my experience (with only one child) it's WAY better to be safe than sorry. I was well on the way to killing myself just to avoid hurting my son when they finally caught my problems. I'm much better now, just 'graduated' from therapy and now only have to go in when I'm having problems dealing with a mountain of trouble all at once.

She needs to be evaluated. Point blank. If and when you learn she's okay, then it's time to look at other causes of her lack of interest.

Something else I want to touch on is this: You should never 'help out' at home. You should be doing just as much work as she does. So sometimes just doesn't cut it, bud... sorry. You're a team in this marriage and you both should be giving 100%. 50/50 doesn't work in this case.

Just my input from what I've heard and my own experience.

Ang

 

[Succulent-one]

Just a couple of things to suggest

Try getting her away for a weekend without the kid! Big plus there.

Romance her like you did when you first dated

Make sure she gets rested up...working and running after a kid can really wear you out.

Try a herbal suppliment.....Avena Sativa....you have to take it for several weeks... but it does have a noticable affect.

Good luck!

 

[N8Dreams]

does she still breast feed your baby?
If yes I guess you have to wait simply. Its about the hormons