The need for D/s and/or BDSM

[Kajira Callista]

Does the desire come and go?
Do you sometimes need it so bad it hurts and other times not even feel it is part of your life?
Do you miss it when you dont have it or does the urge go away?
Can your life be happy and productive when its not there or are you always craving and feeling like something is missing?

I'm asking this because i discovered that one very mild bdsm-ish D/s-ish play type thing seems to have gotten me off my ass and feeling like me again. i painted the whole house this weekend. Oddly i feel stronger and more confident when D/s....even a tiny bit of it, is in my life. Just wondering if anyone feels the same....or different and why.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Congrats on the play thing ...as to doing without any of it, like you have found I seem to go into what can only be described depression and self destruct mode on a massive scale. The pain does not go away, the craving cannot be quelled by anything else, and though I can force myself to do some of what has to be done, it is a battle which I lose miserably until I get my fix. I can somewhat relate to those who do things to themselves to try and help fill the hole that opens up without play in your life, but for me it would not last long as to do it to myself is not going to answer the need in any form, there is no substitute possible, even chocolate though it keeps you busy while waiting.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

I get very testy and psycho without an outlet for it.

Sometimes I get testy and psycho WITH outlets all around, but it's different and less so.

 

[Aithne123]

I was in a relationship for 2 years that didn't involve any BDSM. He was just not the dominant type, and I was expected to be in charge. For me, it was very unsatisfying, and I soon lost interest in any sex with him. I still had urges to be dominated, and still kept in contact with the Master I had been with before. Now that I am single and back to my normal horny self, I have been seeing a Dom occasionally. I'm much happier and more satisfied now. It's like I've regained a piece of me that had been buried. I think it will always be something that I need in a relationship.
Aithne

 

[LunarKitten]

We try to incorporate a little bit of d/s into everyday life. I fix his plate first when we eat, I make sure he always has something to drink...but that just doesn't always satisfy. Sometimes when I come home and finish dinner and all the chores, tired from the long day at work, I still feel very very antsy. If it's been a while since we last played I tend to get a little testy and little more SAMmy than normal. Sometimes I just need a good spanking, even if it's only ten or fifteen minutes. I just need to....FEEL. Hope that makes some sense. It's the sensation that I crave, I guess.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I think I'd be very careful what I said in this thread. I had a very popular "Dom" tell me just a few days back that all us subs (I think he was referring to those of us who are single) were looking for was a Dom.

As little sense as that statement made then, it makes even less now.

It would seem to me that most Doms are looking for a submissive, too. Or am I crazy?

Well, regardless, I have some one or 2 who take my edge off when I need it done. So don'tcha all be scared off that we're looking for some big Dom to make us all okay again.

But I do know the feeling that KC has mentioned and last year, I experienced it big time.

I had oral surgery done today and not only am I bleeding again but the pain pill has worn off. So TTFN...... aaaaaaahahahahaha.

 

[Marquis]

-see title line-

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think I'd be very careful what I said in this thread. I had a very popular "Dom" tell me just a few days back that all us subs (I think he was referring to those of us who are single) were looking for was a Dom.

As little sense as that statement made then, it makes even less now.

It would seem to me that most Doms are looking for a submissive, too. Or am I crazy?

Well, regardless, I have some one or 2 who take my edge off when I need it done. So don'tcha all be scared off that we're looking for some big Dom to make us all okay again.

But I do know the feeling that KC has mentioned and last year, I experienced it big time.

I had oral surgery done today and not only am I bleeding again but the pain pill has worn off. So TTFN...... aaaaaaahahahahaha.

LOL, priceless and reassuring to know there are such enlightened Doms out there!! Don't blame you for feeling a little puzzled by the statement ADR, seems a little obvious doesn't it? Thanks for the morning smile.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

LOL, priceless and reassuring to know there are such enlightened Doms out there!! Don't blame you for feeling a little puzzled by the statement ADR, seems a little obvious doesn't it? Thanks for the morning smile.

Catalina

You're welcome. ;-)

But really now, who'da thunk it? Subs looking for a Dom? Dom's looking for a sub? Ever hear anything so ridiculous?

All I'm in the market for is a beagle or a black lab.

 

[Slutacus]

It's always there. Sometimes grief or strong stress will supress my awareness of the itch for long periods, but it's still there. I have a hard time finding the right sort of scratcher, though. I miss it terribly when I don't have it, but I have a lot of self-control, and get by by doing the routines, going through the motions, waiting out the dry spells. I can be quite productive when it isn't in my life but certainly not happy or content. Although my need is very strong, I'm also extremely selective. Like I said above I have the self-control to enforce my selectivness, so most of the time, I just "watch the show" (other people expressing their needs and getting them met) and manage without.

 

[DVS]

You're welcome. ;-)

But really now, who'da thunk it? Subs looking for a Dom? Dom's looking for a sub? Ever hear anything so ridiculous?

All I'm in the market for is a beagle or a black lab.

into doggie style, huh?

 

[A Desert Rose]

into doggie style, huh?

Of course I am. ;-)

 

[Kajira Callista]

I think I'd be very careful what I said in this thread. I had a very popular "Dom" tell me just a few days back that all us subs (I think he was referring to those of us who are single) were looking for was a Dom.

As little sense as that statement made then, it makes even less now.

It would seem to me that most Doms are looking for a submissive, too. Or am I crazy?

Well, regardless, I have some one or 2 who take my edge off when I need it done. So don'tcha all be scared off that we're looking for some big Dom to make us all okay again.

But I do know the feeling that KC has mentioned and last year, I experienced it big time.

I had oral surgery done today and not only am I bleeding again but the pain pill has worn off. So TTFN...... aaaaaaahahahahaha.

I dont think i have ever really looked for a Dom in my life... but i do know that if you even try to talk to one they assume you are just trying to tie em down so to speak.lol
**********************************************************

At the point i am at in my life i am seriously begining to think that D/s or bdsm do not matter as much as me feeling cared for and comfortable and...safe with someone. I feel all used up in the submissive sense...and intimidating to alot of Doms in the bdsm sense...maybe there comes a time when you just gotta throw your hands up and say "I give up" when it comes to this lifestyle?

 

[A Desert Rose]

I dont think i have ever really looked for a Dom in my life... but i do know that if you even try to talk to one they assume you are just trying to tie em down so to speak.lol
**********************************************************

At the point i am at in my life i am seriously begining to think that D/s or bdsm do not matter as much as me feeling cared for and comfortable and...safe with someone. I feel all used up in the submissive sense...and intimidating to alot of Doms in the bdsm sense...maybe there comes a time when you just gotta throw your hands up and say "I give up" when it comes to this lifestyle?

You know, it's amazing that you should use the word intimidating. Someone told me this just the other day - that I intimidated him. He told me that my "lifestyle" experiences were more than he'd had. Mind you, this is someone who had never spoken (written) to me before, but someone who's been on this board for longer than I.

And like you, I've never gone out looking for a Dom. I know some and I'm friends with some and I have a couple in real life who I "play" with.

I think this is a transient thing you're feeling. And I think it will pass. It did for me last year. But it takes some time. Right now, you just need to get comfortable in your own skin and with yourself. Other things will fall into place later.

And remember, there's nothing wrong with playing... ;-) It builds your self confidence back up and you regain your self esteem. I think those are the most important things.

 

[Kajira Callista]

You know, it's amazing that you should use the word intimidating. Someone told me this just the other day - that I intimidated him. He told me that my "lifestyle" experiences were more than he'd had. Mind you, this is someone who had never spoken (written) to me before, but someone who's been on this board for longer than I.

And like you, I've never gone out looking for a Dom. I know some and I'm friends with some and I have a couple in real life who I "play" with.

I think this is a transient thing you're feeling. And I think it will pass. It did for me last year. But it takes some time. Right now, you just need to get comfortable in your own skin and with yourself. Other things will fall into place later.

And remember, there's nothing wrong with playing... ;-) It builds your self confidence back up and you regain your self esteem. I think those are the most important things.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Backatcha dolly!

 

[catalina_francisco]

You know, it's amazing that you should use the word intimidating. Someone told me this just the other day - that I intimidated him. He told me that my "lifestyle" experiences were more than he'd had. Mind you, this is someone who had never spoken (written) to me before, but someone who's been on this board for longer than I.

And like you, I've never gone out looking for a Dom. I know some and I'm friends with some and I have a couple in real life who I "play" with.

I think this is a transient thing you're feeling. And I think it will pass. It did for me last year. But it takes some time. Right now, you just need to get comfortable in your own skin and with yourself. Other things will fall into place later.

And remember, there's nothing wrong with playing... ;-) It builds your self confidence back up and you regain your self esteem. I think those are the most important things.

What she said!! From what I know of you KC, I don't think it is something you can give up for life which then if you settle for something vanilla and it becomes permanent, somewhere down the line you are going to be in the same position again only worse because you are going to be going through another relationship end and the pain which goes with it....and still have a need that needs fulfilling. Hang in there and follow your dream.

Catalina

 

[esclave_PP]

Does the desire come and go?
Do you sometimes need it so bad it hurts and other times not even feel it is part of your life?
Do you miss it when you dont have it or does the urge go away?
Can your life be happy and productive when its not there or are you always craving and feeling like something is missing?

I'm asking this because i discovered that one very mild bdsm-ish D/s-ish play type thing seems to have gotten me off my ass and feeling like me again. i painted the whole house this weekend. Oddly i feel stronger and more confident when D/s....even a tiny bit of it, is in my life. Just wondering if anyone feels the same....or different and why.

As always, a great question and thought process. Before I was with Master PhoenixPrime, there was a time where I tried living without D/s. I can't do it. I feel mixed up, lost, lonely and lacking.

For me, D/s is my life. Let me explain. For me, I always feel like a submissive/slave but I think that is because I am with my Master pretty much full time (barring a few days here and there -- as we go back and forth to one another's to stay, depending on when I have custody of my kid).

For me, if I didn't have D/s, I would wither. It is like breathing to me, so if I didn't have it, then I would feel empty. Besides wearing my collar and other markings like my tattoo, even when together, we do plenty of "vanilla" things too, like cooking together, being together, watching tv. But where the D/s comes in, is like me sitting at his feet when we watch TV or getting things for him or cooking a nice meal (although he likes to cook which I think is wonderful). Again, with eating, I eat out of my bowl when I get the chance or eat what he gives me from his fingers. D/s is an integral part of our life together and it would feel very strange not to have it "around."

I can see you being more confident because it triggers a response inside you that makes you feel more whole, and who wouldn't want to feel more whole.

Thank you for the great post KC

I definitely feel more confident and happy now that our situation is such that we get to spend as much time together as we can. Like ADR said, you will too, and nothing wrong at all with playing and getting what you need.

 

[david_42]

When I don't have it, it just doesn't matter. Bondage, done well, is a great deal of work and there just aren't many women worth working on. Judging from the responses so far, this lack seems to be more of an issue for subs.

 

[Kajira Callista]

When I don't have it, it just doesn't matter. Bondage, done well, is a great deal of work and there just aren't many women worth working on. Judging from the responses so far, this lack seems to be more of an issue for subs.

lol the domly ones dont often post to threads like this one.

 

[DVS]

For me, the desire is always there. I'm always looking at a nice ass on a woman and thinking what it would be like to have my way with her. The desire is never gone and sometimes it's near impossible to deal with the need it creates. The thirst needs to be quenched.

Great sex is like a drug. When you are having a good time, other things in life seem to fall into place. I've noticed that, but I don't know if it's really true, or if it's just the endorphins taking over.

I've noticed when I'm having great sex, kinky and wild, I feel alive. I feel I'm doing what I have always wanted...fulfilling my fantasies. Just think of those who never reach that point in their life. To some, a sexual fantasy never is anything more than wishful thoughts in their head.

So, it's obviously going to make you feel good, when you get to experience what you crave. Your desires are being satisfied...needs being fed. Also, the opposite is going to be true...the absence of your kinky life can make you feel melancholy. I don't worry though, because life is cyclical. That kinky self will return. Then, other things in life will seem to fall into place, again.

 

[A Desert Rose]

When I don't have it, it just doesn't matter. Bondage, done well, is a great deal of work and there just aren't many women worth working on. Judging from the responses so far, this lack seems to be more of an issue for subs.

I really can't agree with you, but it's good to see a Dom voice his opinion, no matter what it is. For one thing, bondage is only a small part of the D/s dynamic, for most people involved, at least. In fact, good knot tying means nothing to me. Just tie my wrists to the headboard and it's all good here.

There's a great deal more to miss that is mental and psychological, for both sides.

And although I'm unable to name Dom names, I know many who miss being the D in the D/s equation when they are without. Really, an astute reader can figure that out with little trouble. I also know a couple in real life who "play" with me when a fix is in order. I oblige them because we are friends, I know them well and they provide me with release when I need it.

That's what friends are for. ;-) And of course, I'm not seriously involved with anyone, at the moment.

 

[Milambus]

lol the domly ones dont often post to threads like this one.

We don't like to show weakness =)

As for the topic of the thread, yes if I go too long without a "Fix" I can get a bit moody. Snappy at people, or getting depressed.

 

[Kajira Callista]

We don't like to show weakness =)

i know

 

[Rrrosyn]

Right now j and I aren't doing any scenes or anything sexual. Yes, I miss it. I don't have the energy for a scene. As for sex, some medical stuff and some life-stressors just keep getting in the way.

But the D/s is all the time, even when I forget about it. Him asking what I would like for dinner. Him massaging my feet. Me petting his head as he curls up against me. Simple, but there. Somehow this aspect never goes away even when everything else that would make one would claim a BDSM relationship is completely absent.

I do hope if he had need for a good spanking he would just leave my favorite paddle near at hand. I know it sounds like topping from the bottom, but if he feels there is no other way to express that his needs are going unmet he should be able to leave me some sort of a sign. This is why I feel journaling is necessary. (Right now, I think he is too busy studying for finals.)