The Nation of Nations

[Kettle Corn]

Hey guys and gals, this is the first poem I have ever submitted and also the first one I ever wrote. Be honest, and give me the truth.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=214871

 

[Kettle Corn]

Hey guys and gals, this is the first poem I have ever submitted and also the first one I ever wrote. Be honest, and give me the truth.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=214871

And according to the ratings it got, it stunk. Well, it was my first one. Oh, and it is Haiku, so that is why it doesn't sound right.

 

[wildsweetone]

Hi Kettle Corn and welcome to the Poetry Forum.

I read your poem and my commenting skills aren't great but I'd like to ask you why you chose to write this poem as Haiku? Have you tried writing it as free verse?

I'll tell you why I ask. For me, each verse seems separate, and hmm *thinking*... it seems stark. Perhaps free verse would give a little meat to the words that will include me as a reader. Oh, is that it? Is it that you are 'telling' me instead of 'showing'?

Not sure that helps, but it's what I felt.

I hope you share more of your writing here.

Love of hate and war
The general is waiting
Together we die

The road is winding
The fates are tied together
The Trigger is too

He stands above you
His beretta is deadly
So is innocence

The general aims
So does the nation of tears
Both fall down in death

Love of hate and war
Nobody wants to wait now
The cycle begins

 

[wildsweetone]

Kettle Corn, I hope I didn't offend you.

 

[Jennifer C]

Kettle Corn, I hope I didn't offend you.

I thought that was good advice wso, I agree that it might have a bigger impact if written in free verse, that way your not so restricted with words and syllables.

Just my opinion...

 

[Liar]

And according to the ratings it got, it stunk. Well, it was my first one. Oh, and it is Haiku, so that is why it doesn't sound right.

Sounds right to me.

And no, it doesn't stink. There's room for development, but you have a good sense of pacing and a nice, condensed language.

One guess why it gets low ratings is that it had a kind of political mssage, or can be intepreted to have that. Which means that some will take offense, and vote you down because they disagree, even if it's a good poem.


Oh, and by the way, it's not really Haiku. That the 5-7-5 form = haiku is a common miconception. It's much more complicated, and has to do with content as well as form. Not that it makes yours a lesser poem in any way. I just wanted to say that.

#L

 

[annaswirls]

Hey guys and gals, this is the first poem I have ever submitted and also the first one I ever wrote. Be honest, and give me the truth.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=214871

damn good for a first poem that is what I have to say! The others said a lot.

You have great potential for growth (omg I wrote poetential without thinking)

eh hem

especially since you were willing to put it here for public scrutiny. You will find a lot of great, free advice and poetry lessons here, and if you really want to grow as a poet, this is a great place to do so.

You would be amazed at how great of a place this can be to learn and grow. I have more examples in my mind to mention of people whose work has improved 100%, and is still growing. Keep your eye on the constructive threads...

and welcome! please share your work and your take on other people's work as well.

~anna