Gaucho
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2000
- Posts
- 2,631
The Lit Ten Commandments
From the book of Dixon Carter Lee
Editors note: The excerpt you are about to read was taken from a book recently unearthed from a trash dumpster behind a Roberto’s taco stand on Pacific Highway. While there is still some question about the authenticity of the book, most scholars agree that it contains the notes from a now-legendary meeting between the author and the founders of this site. Still, many questions remain. For one thing, calling it a ‘book’ is really a misnomer because it is one of those cheap, glue-bound binders that one might normally find in use by a 1st-grader. When found, the binder was covered in stains that at first resembled what are commonly referred to as ‘pecker-tracks’ and ‘pussy-slobber’, but which DNA testing has been unable to classify. What’s more, when first opened, the binder revealed a used condom filled with an unknown toxic substance, one so powerful that four researchers died instantly upon taking a whiff.
Questions, indeed.
It was feared for a time that the notes – taken as they were with an unsharpened crayon (Burnt Sienna, I think) and resembling nothing so much as the scribblings of an Arthur Anderson accountant – might be undecipherable. What’s more, the notes were taken in a strange language known only to Southern Californians, called ‘Hollyweird’. As this language hasn’t been used since the turn of the century (except on cruise ships), it’s no wonder that the researchers had a difficult time recognizing it. However, this editor, a veteran of misspent youth on the tarmac of Seal Beach and having seen the language first-hand among the graffiti on the walls of Fat Man’s Misery in La Jolla, knew it for what it was instantly. The rest, as they say, is history.
One other thing. Rumors of a curse are just that: Rumors. With the exception of the unfortunate few who came upon the condom scum without proper precaution, there are no documented cases of anyone being injured or falling ill as a result of having read the contents herein. The case of Kid Rock does not count, as his condition was known prior to the book being discovered. As for myself, the boils have shrunk, the lesions are starting to disappear and the doctors assure me that the third nipple growing on my back is actually quite attractive.
Also, while I have done my best to translate the notes accurately, it has not been an easy job. Some sections were very clear (“Todd is a doodyhead” comes to mind), while others were so smudged that I could only guess at their precise meaning. With that in mind, here now are the Lit Ten Commandments:
1) Laurel and Manu are your Gods. You shall have no strange Gods before them. Lick bush. Read ‘Teaching Patti’.
2) Remember the kitty and keep it holy.
3) Do not take the names Laurel and Manu in vain. Calling Dixon vain is redundant. Call each other whatever the hell you want.
4) Remember to read the Stories and vote for your favorites. If you are an author then you must write for six days and then submit. All must submit. Good grammar and punctuation not required. On the seventh day you may not work but you may do your maid, your butler, or the stranger that is within your gates. If you are interested in doing animals, that is on another site.
5) Love your mother and father. And your sister, your brother, your aunt, your uncle, your cousin and your maiden sister’s cousin’s father’s uncle’s brother’s stepsister’s mother’s virginal daughter. Provided she is 18.
6) Do not kill the newbies. Their right to post drivel outweighs your right to be annoyed by them. Post often.
7) Do not commit adultery, unless it is consensual. Or unless it is cyber-adultery, which does not count. Do not cyber-PM unless you want everyone on the board to know about it.
8) Amateurs imitate; professionals steal and we don't pay for stories. Unless we make money off them. Protect your AVs. Do not quote beyond fair usage. Beware the pop-up Jabberwocky.
9) Do not flame your fellow posters. Unless it is a serious thread and another poster disagrees with you, in which case they are fair game.
10) You are welcome to covet your neighbor’s house, his wife, her husband, their maid, their butler, his ox or her ass but not their stories. Write your own. And read ‘Jazzy Girl’.
Final note. There is one other rumor that has been swirling around since this book was discovered, one that is almost too outlandish for me to mention. The rumor suggests that there was another, earlier version of the Lit commandments. The first version, ostensibly written on the inside of a carne asada burrito wrapper following a Tequila and coke binge, so horrified Dixon that he tore it up. It was only after switching to Coors Light that he came up with what you have just read.
As with the rumor of a curse, there is no hard evidence to support this account. Still, the rumor refuses to die and tantalizing bits of information have surfaced over time to pour fuel on what could be a particularly nasty Lit bonfire. Fragments of commandments with statements such as “kill the newbies” and “all the Lit first-born shall be mine” are bad enough. But if the rumor is true, there may exist a scrap of chile stained paper containing a smoking gun so powerful that it would shake the world of Literotica to its very core.
That Dixon would be chosen as the first major Lit Prophet should come as no surprise to anyone. As one of the few surviving original members at a site that flushes posters like handi-wipes, he represents what could loosely be called the ‘establishment’. And with Deborah gone, Flagg MIA and Lasher still mourning his beloved Steelers, Dixon's status as the authority figure is secure, despite the unfortunate 7 of 9 episode.
Imagine then his shock and surprise when, awaking from his agave stupor, he discovered that the first Lit commandment read:
“Laurel and Manu are your Gods. You shall have no strange Gods before them.
Vote Bush.”
Oh, the horror!
From the book of Dixon Carter Lee
Editors note: The excerpt you are about to read was taken from a book recently unearthed from a trash dumpster behind a Roberto’s taco stand on Pacific Highway. While there is still some question about the authenticity of the book, most scholars agree that it contains the notes from a now-legendary meeting between the author and the founders of this site. Still, many questions remain. For one thing, calling it a ‘book’ is really a misnomer because it is one of those cheap, glue-bound binders that one might normally find in use by a 1st-grader. When found, the binder was covered in stains that at first resembled what are commonly referred to as ‘pecker-tracks’ and ‘pussy-slobber’, but which DNA testing has been unable to classify. What’s more, when first opened, the binder revealed a used condom filled with an unknown toxic substance, one so powerful that four researchers died instantly upon taking a whiff.
Questions, indeed.
It was feared for a time that the notes – taken as they were with an unsharpened crayon (Burnt Sienna, I think) and resembling nothing so much as the scribblings of an Arthur Anderson accountant – might be undecipherable. What’s more, the notes were taken in a strange language known only to Southern Californians, called ‘Hollyweird’. As this language hasn’t been used since the turn of the century (except on cruise ships), it’s no wonder that the researchers had a difficult time recognizing it. However, this editor, a veteran of misspent youth on the tarmac of Seal Beach and having seen the language first-hand among the graffiti on the walls of Fat Man’s Misery in La Jolla, knew it for what it was instantly. The rest, as they say, is history.
One other thing. Rumors of a curse are just that: Rumors. With the exception of the unfortunate few who came upon the condom scum without proper precaution, there are no documented cases of anyone being injured or falling ill as a result of having read the contents herein. The case of Kid Rock does not count, as his condition was known prior to the book being discovered. As for myself, the boils have shrunk, the lesions are starting to disappear and the doctors assure me that the third nipple growing on my back is actually quite attractive.
Also, while I have done my best to translate the notes accurately, it has not been an easy job. Some sections were very clear (“Todd is a doodyhead” comes to mind), while others were so smudged that I could only guess at their precise meaning. With that in mind, here now are the Lit Ten Commandments:
1) Laurel and Manu are your Gods. You shall have no strange Gods before them. Lick bush. Read ‘Teaching Patti’.
2) Remember the kitty and keep it holy.
3) Do not take the names Laurel and Manu in vain. Calling Dixon vain is redundant. Call each other whatever the hell you want.
4) Remember to read the Stories and vote for your favorites. If you are an author then you must write for six days and then submit. All must submit. Good grammar and punctuation not required. On the seventh day you may not work but you may do your maid, your butler, or the stranger that is within your gates. If you are interested in doing animals, that is on another site.
5) Love your mother and father. And your sister, your brother, your aunt, your uncle, your cousin and your maiden sister’s cousin’s father’s uncle’s brother’s stepsister’s mother’s virginal daughter. Provided she is 18.
6) Do not kill the newbies. Their right to post drivel outweighs your right to be annoyed by them. Post often.
7) Do not commit adultery, unless it is consensual. Or unless it is cyber-adultery, which does not count. Do not cyber-PM unless you want everyone on the board to know about it.
8) Amateurs imitate; professionals steal and we don't pay for stories. Unless we make money off them. Protect your AVs. Do not quote beyond fair usage. Beware the pop-up Jabberwocky.
9) Do not flame your fellow posters. Unless it is a serious thread and another poster disagrees with you, in which case they are fair game.
10) You are welcome to covet your neighbor’s house, his wife, her husband, their maid, their butler, his ox or her ass but not their stories. Write your own. And read ‘Jazzy Girl’.
Final note. There is one other rumor that has been swirling around since this book was discovered, one that is almost too outlandish for me to mention. The rumor suggests that there was another, earlier version of the Lit commandments. The first version, ostensibly written on the inside of a carne asada burrito wrapper following a Tequila and coke binge, so horrified Dixon that he tore it up. It was only after switching to Coors Light that he came up with what you have just read.
As with the rumor of a curse, there is no hard evidence to support this account. Still, the rumor refuses to die and tantalizing bits of information have surfaced over time to pour fuel on what could be a particularly nasty Lit bonfire. Fragments of commandments with statements such as “kill the newbies” and “all the Lit first-born shall be mine” are bad enough. But if the rumor is true, there may exist a scrap of chile stained paper containing a smoking gun so powerful that it would shake the world of Literotica to its very core.
That Dixon would be chosen as the first major Lit Prophet should come as no surprise to anyone. As one of the few surviving original members at a site that flushes posters like handi-wipes, he represents what could loosely be called the ‘establishment’. And with Deborah gone, Flagg MIA and Lasher still mourning his beloved Steelers, Dixon's status as the authority figure is secure, despite the unfortunate 7 of 9 episode.
Imagine then his shock and surprise when, awaking from his agave stupor, he discovered that the first Lit commandment read:
“Laurel and Manu are your Gods. You shall have no strange Gods before them.
Vote Bush.”
Oh, the horror!
Anyway, best of luck this weekend.
