the motel...

[WriterDom]

Just think. Our tax dollars paid for this stuff.

 

[DVS]

awww, be nice.

on technicality, i agree it's not great, but it's porn so who really pays attention to the literary niceties anyway?? that's like saying people watch porn movies for the plot. the visuals were interesting in their own way and i have to give her kudos for the effort.

I'll be nice, but I'll also add some help. But, first I must point out something. This site is called Literotica not Litpornica. Sure, there are some forms of sexual writing that is nothing but porn. Trust me, you skim through the text of those stories,just to find the juicy sex scenes.

But some forms of erotic writing do have plots with developing characters and do have correct punctuation, spelling and paragraphs. To make my point, below I've typed two versions of the same post. First, without paragraphs and second, with them. Which is easier to read?

Without paragraphs...
This site also provides editors, if a writer would so desire, and they do it for FREE. One of the first things a writer has to understand is if what he/she is writing is difficult to read, nobody is going to read it. This has nothing to do with quality of content or talent of the writer, but seriously, if Shakespeare wrote like that, nobody would have ever heard of him. Now, I'm sure the story is probably great, but it needs some help. And any publisher will tell you no writer is perfect...even the best need someone to edit their work. A few are lucky and can edit their own stories, but not that many. It's not at all uncommon for a talented writer to need a talented editor. First of all, online stories need paragraphs, because it's difficult to keep your place when reading on a computer screen. And your eyes dry out more than if you were reading from a book. That's just how it is. So, paragraphs and lots of them makes it easy for the reader to keep track of where they are. No "texting" short cuts for words like "u" for you or the like. Sure, some might understand, but if you want a mass readership, you need to make your story so the masses can read it. Personally, I don't know much about texting, and never intend to, so stories, posts or anything else that has texting short cuts...won't be read by me. Good editors know about first person point of view, third person point of view, etc. and how to make a story work best with phrasing and writing style. I'm not trying to be an ass, here. If a story is properly punctuated, with proper spelling and proper paragraphs, which an editor could help with, the writer might be pleasantly surprised with how well it's received. Again, this has nothing to do with talent. It's all in how the story looks, and if it's easy to read. Trust me...it helps.


Now, with paragraphs...
This site also provides editors, if a writer would so desire, and they do it for FREE. One of the first things a writer has to understand is if what he/she is writing is difficult to read, nobody is going to read it.

This has nothing to do with quality of content or talent of the writer, but seriously, if Shakespeare wrote like that, nobody would have ever heard of him.

Now, I'm sure the story is probably great, but it needs some help. And any publisher will tell you no writer is perfect...even the best need someone to edit their work. A few are lucky and can edit their own stories, but not that many. It's not at all uncommon for a talented writer to need a talented editor.

First of all, online stories need paragraphs, because it's difficult to keep your place when reading on a computer screen. And your eyes dry out more than if you were reading from a book. That's just how it is. So, paragraphs and lots of them makes it easy for the reader to keep track of where they are.

No "texting" short cuts for words like "u" for you or the like. Sure, some might understand, but if you want a mass readership, you need to make your story so the masses can read it.

Personally, I don't know much about texting, and never intend to, so stories, posts or anything else that has texting short cuts...won't be read by me.

Good editors know about first person point of view, third person point of view, etc. and how to make a story work best with phrasing and writing style.

I'm not trying to be an ass, here. If a story is properly punctuated, with proper spelling and proper paragraphs, which an editor could help with, the writer might be pleasantly surprised with how well it's received. Again, this has nothing to do with talent. It's all in how the story looks...its readability. Trust me...it helps.

 

[00Syd]

Maybe someone should set up a parallel site called Illiterotica.

HA!

 

[DVS]

If I were to have my way, this would be in third person, past tense. But first person, present tense is OK. A lot of this depends on the reader's preference. Below is my lame attempt at editing the story. I say lame, because I'm not an editor. Take it or leave it.


You call me at work & tell me too meet you at this shady motel by your job. You command me to wear nothing but thigh highs & a shelf bra., all black with black heels & a trench coat. Red whore lips, nails & toes and hair all wild & curly. You'll be at the bar at 5 o'clock.

I walk in and heads turn. But you know I'm coming, so you don't look at me. You watch in the mirror that's behind the bar, as all the guys in the place turn to stare at me. I sit next to you and order a drink. You smell my hair and my perfume. It's familiar & soooo intoxicating. I slip my hand onto your thigh, but you still don't turn.

I rub my tits on your arm. Everyone in the bar is watching us. You slowly put your arm around me, claiming possession, so everyone in the bar knows I'm yours. You rub my ass first, squeezing each cheek. Then you run your hand up my back, into my hair. It's so soft, and its smell is making your head spin.

You grab the back of my neck, pull me into your lips and kiss me long and deep. A small moan escapes my lips. You open my coat, slide your hand inside and pinch each nipple. You whisper in my ear, “You ready to be used tonight, cunt?”

I moan. We leave the bar, get into the elevator. You blindfold me take my hand leading me down the hallway to a door. You knock and the door opens. The room is silent as we walk in. Walking close behind me, you can feel me tremble. You whisper into my ear, “Don't worry baby. Daddy's gonna take good care of you.”

When I hear that, I take a deep breath & relax. You open my coat and let it fall to the floor. So all in the room can hear, you say, “Ok gentlemen, this is the whore for the evening.”

Still behind me, you begin rubbing your hands all over my body. I lean back into you, letting you turn me on. I spread my legs and put my arms behind my back, feeling for your hard dick.

“Ok guys. She's here to fuck & suck all your cocks.” I open your pants take it out. I stroke it, rub it against my ass cheeks as you rub my clit. You push me down onto my knees and position yourself behind me. You gently slide your cock into my ass. I take a deep breath as I feel it slide inside me.

“That's it, cunt,” you whisper. “Take it inside you. Open your legs for Daddy. Be a good girl. Mmmmm, now open your mouth.” Softly, you say, “Stick your tongue out. A part of my body will be inside of you the entire time you act like Daddy's whore. Do you understand cunt?”

“Yessss, I understand, Daddy.”

“Good. Now suck those cocks.”

One by one, I lick & suck each cock. I count five in all. The whole time, I'm impaled on your rock hard cock. When they've had their fill, you push me off of you and carry me over to the bed. Then you announce, “Ok boys, her pussy is now open for service. Help yourselves.”

You put my head in your lap and tell me to take your hard cock in my mouth. But you tell me I can only suck on it, if I'm cumming. They are all rough when they use my pussy I'm taken hard by their cocks. Their hands...their fingers are all over me. They use their lips and tongues, even their fists.

And each time I cum, I suck your cock, making it harder and harder. When I'm thoroughly used, you pick me up. I'm exhausted as you carry me over to a chair. You sit in it and position me facing you. You slide your throbbing cock inside my wet, aching pussy. Then, you spread my ass cheeks wide. “Now, use her ass and use it good.”

As I'm impaled...your cock inside my pussy, they each take their turn fucking, licking and fingering my asshole. You kiss me and tell me how beautiful I look and what a good whore I am for you.

You suck my tits and bite my nipples. I throw my head back as i cum over and over. When they're all done, I'm covered with their cum. Then they all leave, and it's just us. You're still inside me.

You take my blindfold off and look into my eyes. You make the most passionate and beautiful love to me of my entire life. It is so soft and slow, kissing and touching. I feel your rock hard cock sliding in and out of my soaking wet cunt.

We cum together. We explode with exquisite pleasure into each other, onto each other. Your tongue in my mouth and my tongue in yours, breathless...sweaty and shaking.

I whisper in your ear, “I love you.”

 

[rida]

If I were to have my way, this would be in third person, past tense. But first person, present tense is OK. A lot of this depends on the reader's preference. Below is my lame attempt at editing the story. I say lame, because I'm not an editor. Take it or leave it.


You call me at work & tell me too meet you at this shady motel by your job. You command me to wear nothing but thigh highs & a shelf bra., all black with black heels & a trench coat. Red whore lips, nails & toes and hair all wild & curly. You'll be at the bar at 5 o'clock.

I walk in and heads turn. But you know I'm coming, so you don't look at me. You watch in the mirror that's behind the bar, as all the guys in the place turn to stare at me. I sit next to you and order a drink. You smell my hair and my perfume. It's familiar & soooo intoxicating. I slip my hand onto your thigh, but you still don't turn.

I rub my tits on your arm. Everyone in the bar is watching us. You slowly put your arm around me, claiming possession, so everyone in the bar knows I'm yours. You rub my ass first, squeezing each cheek. Then you run your hand up my back, into my hair. It's so soft, and its smell is making your head spin.

You grab the back of my neck, pull me into your lips and kiss me long and deep. A small moan escapes my lips. You open my coat, slide your hand inside and pinch each nipple. You whisper in my ear, “You ready to be used tonight, cunt?”

I moan. We leave the bar, get into the elevator. You blindfold me take my hand leading me down the hallway to a door. You knock and the door opens. The room is silent as we walk in. Walking close behind me, you can feel me tremble. You whisper into my ear, “Don't worry baby. Daddy's gonna take good care of you.”

When I hear that, I take a deep breath & relax. You open my coat and let it fall to the floor. So all in the room can hear, you say, “Ok gentlemen, this is the whore for the evening.”

Still behind me, you begin rubbing your hands all over my body. I lean back into you, letting you turn me on. I spread my legs and put my arms behind my back, feeling for your hard dick.

“Ok guys. She's here to fuck & suck all your cocks.” I open your pants take it out. I stroke it, rub it against my ass cheeks as you rub my clit. You push me down onto my knees and position yourself behind me. You gently slide your cock into my ass. I take a deep breath as I feel it slide inside me.

“That's it, cunt,” you whisper. “Take it inside you. Open your legs for Daddy. Be a good girl. Mmmmm, now open your mouth.” Softly, you say, “Stick your tongue out. A part of my body will be inside of you the entire time you act like Daddy's whore. Do you understand cunt?”

“Yessss, I understand, Daddy.”

“Good. Now suck those cocks.”

One by one, I lick & suck each cock. I count five in all. The whole time, I'm impaled on your rock hard cock. When they've had their fill, you push me off of you and carry me over to the bed. Then you announce, “Ok boys, her pussy is now open for service. Help yourselves.”

You put my head in your lap and tell me to take your hard cock in my mouth. But you tell me I can only suck on it, if I'm cumming. They are all rough when they use my pussy I'm taken hard by their cocks. Their hands...their fingers are all over me. They use their lips and tongues, even their fists.

And each time I cum, I suck your cock, making it harder and harder. When I'm thoroughly used, you pick me up. I'm exhausted as you carry me over to a chair. You sit in it and position me facing you. You slide your throbbing cock inside my wet, aching pussy. Then, you spread my ass cheeks wide. “Now, use her ass and use it good.”

As I'm impaled...your cock inside my pussy, they each take their turn fucking, licking and fingering my asshole. You kiss me and tell me how beautiful I look and what a good whore I am for you.

You suck my tits and bite my nipples. I throw my head back as i cum over and over. When they're all done, I'm covered with their cum. Then they all leave, and it's just us. You're still inside me.

You take my blindfold off and look into my eyes. You make the most passionate and beautiful love to me of my entire life. It is so soft and slow, kissing and touching. I feel your rock hard cock sliding in and out of my soaking wet cunt.

We cum together. We explode with exquisite pleasure into each other, onto each other. Your tongue in my mouth and my tongue in yours, breathless...sweaty and shaking.

I whisper in your ear, “I love you.”

Thank you for taking the time to make our life easier!

And, trust me, you are very good at writing, even editing (although I cannot really compare with the original as I could not read it without getting dizzy)

 

[graceanne]

It must be my age telling on me: text-typing, lack of meaningful punctuation and lack of paragraphing meant that I read one line before thinking "Sod this - life's too short".

Seconded.

Third.

Fourth.

I think I've just been period raped.

*spew* GEEZ!! Give some warning, will ya!

*wipes tea off screen*

I pay attention to the "literary niceties"

Seconded.

 

[00Syd]

If I were to have my way, this would be in third person, past tense. But first person, present tense is OK. A lot of this depends on the reader's preference. Below is my lame attempt at editing the story. I say lame, because I'm not an editor. Take it or leave it.

Holy crap, you have way too much time on your hands.

 

[StrayKat]

If I were to have my way, this would be in third person, past tense. But first person, present tense is OK. A lot of this depends on the reader's preference. Below is my lame attempt at editing the story. I say lame, because I'm not an editor. Take it or leave it.

No comment on story but thank you for your effort in making it readable.

 

[DVS]

Holy crap, you have way too much time on your hands.

Maybe so, but have I ever told you I thought Leslie Gore was hot?

 

[DVS]

No comment on story but thank you for your effort in making it readable.

It wasn't so difficult. MS Word has its shortcuts, if you know how to use them.

No comment on the story? So cruel. Sure, not enough anal sex for my tastes, and there's no bondage, although there was a blindfold. To satisfy the people in this forum, I think it needs some bondage.

But it has promise, considering the lack of those BDSM story necessities.

 

[StrayKat]

It wasn't so difficult. MS Word has its shortcuts, if you know how to use them.

No comment on the story? So cruel. Sure, not enough anal sex for my tastes, and there's no bondage, although there was a blindfold. To satisfy the people in this forum, I think it needs some bondage.

But it has promise, considering the lack of those BDSM story necessities.

No, sorry, I am probably spoiled.
First of all, group sex is common thing for me. Second, I find myself skipping sex scenes and looking for something more in other stories too lately. It is all just too average, every pussy is soaking wet, every cock is rock hard and one can predict every word from the moment they start fucking until they drop exhausted.
Not enough for me anymore, I need kind of mind fuck I think, though I cant say exactly what should it look like.

I read zillion books in my life and sadly I still find Turgenev my favorite author.

 

[00Syd]

Maybe so, but have I ever told you I thought Leslie Gore was hot?

I agree! She was totally hot in her prime, but her hair really sucks now, its kind of a more hip version of Hillary Clinton's hair (if that's possible). Its pretty disappointing.


I went to go see her speak at the 92nd St. Y a bunch of years ago. I did my hair up all big, I dressed spectacularly, and I was SUPER excited to see my very own hair idol. She talked for a bunch about her new (not very good) album, sung a medley of her hits, and then went and signed albums. I brought a record of hers and when I handed it to her to sign, I said, "Lesley, you are my hair idol." And she didn't say anything. She didn't even look at me.

I was crushed.

 

[ecstaticsub]

If I were to have my way, this would be in third person, past tense. But first person, present tense is OK. A lot of this depends on the reader's preference. Below is my lame attempt at editing the story. I say lame, because I'm not an editor. Take it or leave it.

Thanks DVS for for edited the story to a version I could read.

Comment on the story--it was ok as a first draft. It needs work. I doubt highly if the author ever has ever had group sex in reality. It was a difficult to having a running picture in my mind while reading because of the elements that were unrealistic.

I don't need bondage or anal (though anal sure makes a story more fun to read) but unless the story is a fairytale or sci-fi I need the action to be physically plausible.

 

[sinnocence]

*spew* GEEZ!! Give some warning, will ya!

*wipes tea off screen*

So sorry. *wipes screen for you*

 

[StrayKat]

It was a difficult to having a running picture in my mind while reading because of the elements that were unrealistic.

Yeah, the whole thing was unrealistic. And, should I say it..... boring.
I really wish I could write some of my own experiences sometimes but the fact that I have to use 3 languages simultaneously every day kills the capability to express myself sometimes on very basic level. I am just too old for that crap.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

awww, be nice.

on technicality, i agree it's not great, but it's porn so who really pays attention to the literary niceties anyway?? that's like saying people watch porn movies for the plot. the visuals were interesting in their own way and i have to give her kudos for the effort.

Uh, hello... This is LITEROTICA. As in "LITerate EROTICA" Or "LITerary EROTICA". The whole site was originally established as a place where people who wanted to write erotica could post it and get _feedback_.

Telling someone to stop using "textspeak" and to try using proper punctuation IS being nice. It's literary feedback so the author can improve their next effort.

Try posting something like that on the General Board and see what kind of reaction it gets. The folks here have been exceptionally kind.

 

[ImOnIt]

The folks here have been exceptionally kind.

I demonstrated my kindness here by not posting in this thread. It was my good deed for the morning.

 

[catalina_francisco]

It must be my age telling on me: text-typing, lack of meaningful punctuation and lack of paragraphing meant that I read one line before thinking "Sod this - life's too short".

Ditto....and a reminder that if this is a story of sorts. this is not the forum for posting literary experiments...there are forums here specifically for that where help will be given in bucketloads, if asked for.

Catalina

 

[DVS]

I agree! She was totally hot in her prime, but her hair really sucks now, its kind of a more hip version of Hillary Clinton's hair (if that's possible). Its pretty disappointing.


I went to go see her speak at the 92nd St. Y a bunch of years ago. I did my hair up all big, I dressed spectacularly, and I was SUPER excited to see my very own hair idol. She talked for a bunch about her new (not very good) album, sung a medley of her hits, and then went and signed albums. I brought a record of hers and when I handed it to her to sign, I said, "Lesley, you are my hair idol." And she didn't say anything. She didn't even look at me.

I was crushed.

I understand what you mean. Too many times our idols betray us. Our continued devotion is what made them idols in the first place, and too many of them seem to forget that...or assume they don't need us as individuals, when we meet them.

Their entourage keeps the same devoted fans at a distance, as if they are a necessary nuisance the "idol" must endure, almost like we're flies or gnats. And she has to be getting old. Maybe she's just tired of it all. Ho, hum. Fame does have it's down side.

I've met a few of my idols and although they do have security personnel that are necessary these days (If only John Lennon had thought of that), they were at least accessible to the fans for a short visit. And they at least seemed to understand that the fans were the reason for their life.

A friend and I met Frank Zappa after a concert. He was much shorter than I thought he would be. I'd guess he was about 5 foot tall, and the two body guards beside him were both at least 6 foot 5, which made him seem even shorter. But he was very accommodating, answering our questions and accepting a photo of him that my friend had taken. He even shook our hands.

And in the old days, when the rock scene was still developing, I smoked pot with Canned Heat roadies, while the band was playing on stage in Kansas City at the Cowtown Ballroom. The same joint was being passed to band members while they were playing on stage, then back to the roadies, to me, and then back to the band. One roadie was openly rolling joint after joint, right there at the side of the stage.

I wasn't anybody...just a fan that happened to walk up to the stage. No security, no hassles, nobody to stop me from rubbing elbows with "the guys". Ah, the good ol' days.

I don't know if I'd condemn Leslie for the way she was. I'd like to think she wasn't that way, in her prime. But I do think she should of at least acknowledged you, as a sincere fan. It does seem like she had lost the whole concept of how she got where she was.

 

[insert____here]

*giggle* interesting to note that i copped almost as much vitriol for defending a first time author who needs constructive criticism as the author herself.

i know you folks are all used to a better standard of writing, but flat out telling saying story a sucked is unkind and uneccessary. without any politely added points of correction or helpful advice it is also beneath you. leave the rudeness to the plebs on the general board.