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The Mansion

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Journal Entry~

We have not truly started down the road yet, the family and I. Yet, already I am weary. I need to pace myself where the worry and concern resides. This could be a long haul and if I acknowledge it, and I must because logic dictates it, or a short haul. The short end being quite intense and the long haul, no less intense but a gradual build up, I believe.

I need to meditate. I need to find my center and solidify it. I know the drill and yet, I am shying away from it. If I am truthful with myself, I don't want to go through this again. One part of me understands it's not happening to me, but I am family and it affects me. Some do not realize how much it does affect loved ones. There is so much struggle on both sides. Like I just wrote, I don't want to deal, but I have little choice because each day starts and ends and we all move forward. We can't stop it. We can sometimes get lucky and it goes away, in this case, my gut says we're not getting that lucky. Not this time.

In times like these, they bring out our strengths and our weaknesses. I need to embrace both. We learn from both. I don't understand it from the patient's end, but I understand so much from the loved one's end. I could write on and on and spell out all the fears, the worries, the heartbreak of feeling helpless, but I won't. Eyes turn in my direction when strength is needed. That's my job. That's what I've been groomed for since my birth. I am the one that makes things right and if I can't? Then I am the one that keeps everything and everyone steady. I speak the hope. I force it into the others. Calmly. Efficiently. I am the ship in the storm and though I creak with despair, I hold firm. I must. It's my job. Even for the dying. I don't want this. I never wished it. God help me, in a weak moment, I thought it. THIS is not my doing, but perhaps part of my penitence for the weak moment when I even thought it.

I ache. I weary. Footsteps have just set foot on the path. I need more. More has always been there. I can find it. But will the sun ever shine again? And if so, will it shine the same or be different? We haven't even trod into the valley yet and I can already feel the shadows.

Who fills the chalice?
 
DarkWarrioress said:
We have not truly started down the road yet, the family and I. Yet, already I am weary. I need to pace myself where the worry and concern resides. This could be a long haul and if I acknowledge it, and I must because logic dictates it, or a short haul. The short end being quite intense and the long haul, no less intense but a gradual build up, I believe.

I need to meditate. I need to find my center and solidify it. I know the drill and yet, I am shying away from it. If I am truthful with myself, I don't want to go through this again. One part of me understands it's not happening to me, but I am family and it affects me. Some do not realize how much it does affect loved ones. There is so much struggle on both sides. Like I just wrote, I don't want to deal, but I have little choice because each day starts and ends and we all move forward. We can't stop it. We can sometimes get lucky and it goes away, in this case, my gut says we're not getting that lucky. Not this time.

In times like these, they bring out our strengths and our weaknesses. I need to embrace both. We learn from both. I don't understand it from the patient's end, but I understand so much from the loved one's end. I could write on and on and spell out all the fears, the worries, the heartbreak of feeling helpless, but I won't. Eyes turn in my direction when strength is needed. That's my job. That's what I've been groomed for since my birth. I am the one that makes things right and if I can't? Then I am the one that keeps everything and everyone steady. I speak the hope. I force it into the others. Calmly. Efficiently. I am the ship in the storm and though I creak with despair, I hold firm. I must. It's my job. Even for the dying. I don't want this. I never wished it. God help me, in a weak moment, I thought it. THIS is not my doing, but perhaps part of my penitence for the weak moment when I even thought it.

I ache. I weary. Footsteps have just set foot on the path. I need more. More has always been there. I can find it. But will the sun ever shine again? And if so, will it shine the same or be different? We haven't even trod into the valley yet and I can already feel the shadows.

Who fills the chalice?
Click to expand...

Deep stuff, poet at heart eh?
 
DarkWarrioress said:
That too. Mostly just getting stuff off my chest before it chokes me.
Click to expand...

I get that, I know where your coming from.



DarkWarrioress said:
ES! I love her. *snagged for an av and a future story* Thanks for sharing them. I'm always on the lookout for these. :rose:

Edit: I'm going to get to our thread this week. Promise!
Click to expand...

Groovy! Hopefully you use her well!! No worries hon, I know you' got some chit going on in your life. Don't sweat it.
 
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