The Mansion

[DarkWarrioress]

It's chilly this morning. It feels nice, even if the temps are going to crawl back up into the nineties next week. This is October, damn it. That shouldn't be happening. Right now, I just want my morning cuppa and some peace and quiet.

I'm hoping for some time to write today provided my Muse is going to let that happen and after I set my house back to rights. First things first. Coffee!

 

[DarkWarrioress]

Sleep is eluding me yet again. No sense in fighting it. I rather use the time wisely by catching up with some writing. Slipping from bed, my feet find their own way to the study. They have known the path far too long now to make me stumble or falter. There's the soft click of the door opening and left open slightly before another soft click is heard in the silence of the room followed swiftly by soft illumination. I pull the keyboard to me, my mind is whirling with all kinds of fanciful thoughts, based on recent experiences and I have to wonder. Sad, isn't it? When your own mind becomes your worst enemy? It makes me doubt what is seemingly true, what may be false and even worse still, it whispers things I rather not contemplate or acknowledge. Far better to turn my mind to something constructive and write. Heaven only knows, I owe some fine gentlemen replies.

 

[DarkWarrioress]

The morning has proved fruitful. A long conversation with a friend, whose wise words I have been contemplating. Between yesterday and today, I have written responses and owe just three more. One of the threads I share with my daddy is next but I think I need a bit of a break. Give my mind time to clear because this one is a fantasy thread and different. Then on to a pirate lady and then a Marine and a country girl. If I am lucky, I will be able to say I am all caught up sometime this afternoon.

 

[DarkWarrioress]

My writing is on hold after having finished one post. Just for the moment. I need some fresh air. I need to feel the calming influence of the sea. I need my calm, my balance back. So, on impulse, I push away from my desk, leave the house and make my way to beach. The walk alone does wonders.

The breeze that greets me, ruffles the hem of my skirt. I hate feeling this way. I always feel like I am making a mountain out of a molehill. I hate making the people I love feel bad. But I am upset and I don't think unrightly so. Not this time.

There is no one about at this hour as I sit in the sand and remove my sandals, leaving them there. No one will disturb them. Sand was created to walk barefooted in, I'm sure of it. It felt cool under my feet and damp. I walked down to the water's edge and let it tickle my painted toes as I stare out to sea.

Boundaries are important when established. Hurtful when breached. Even unintentionally. And I know it was unintentional. That fact of the matter, doesn't negate the initial hurt or disappointment. Then another thought hits me and makes me groan. Fuck. Today of all days. Simply. Fuck. I'm beginning to get spooked into thinking these projected dates are cursed or are trying to be. It almost makes me want to throw my hands up in the air and give up. But I won't. I can't. I care too damn much. It matters too damn much. But why today? Of all days? Just..... fuck.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Left just beside the entrance to Lady's abode.

You are not alone...

a paper stuck to the frame.​

Just beside that one is another~

The sun always rises upon the morrow...and it will be fabulous.

another note stuck to another frame.​

And finally a single, solitary...

and just like that...the Wolf is gone, leaving only these things behind...

 

[DarkWarrioress]

Bereft of the solid body and presence I have come to love and depend on for the moment, I took what solace I could from the sea and my solitary walk. While not light-hearted, my mood certainly wasn't dark and somber either. It was time to retreat to my study and return to my writing. I sat in the sand, putting on my sandals again, stopping every so often to stare out across the soft rolling waters. Life was like the ocean. Sometimes it was placid and serene. Sometimes it was turbulent and sometimes, it simply rolled with an occasional peak. Funny how that worked.

Getting to my feet, I brushed the back of my skirt clearing it of clinging sand and trudged back to the house. Coming up the sidewalk was a faint scent that made my nose twitch. Familiar. But why had she come? Bearing gifts again? I wondered. My curiosity was short-lived as I rounded the sidewalk. Two paintings and a flower. I smiled. Closer inspection showed notes stuck to the frame. They were read before the gifts admired. She was right, of course.

Except now I knew, word had come. Nothing would come of tonight. For whatever reason there was that I didn't know at this point or perhaps I did. It was what it was. One foot in front of the other. Live one moment into the next. That was all I could do.

I closed the door behind me, gifts in tow.

 

[DarkWarrioress]

She wasn't in the kitchen getting coffee. She wasn't in the house even. Though it was still dark outside she was sitting on a rock that overlooked the ocean, just beyond her garden. Her legs swinging lightly as she waited.

She waited for the sun to come over the mountains. Waited for it to spread light to the slowly waking world. The light always came to the darkness, sending it back to wherever it came from. She wanted to see the colors spread across the sky, wanted the golden rays on her skin. She wanted to feel the joy of seeing a new and bright day come to the dark sleepy world.

So, she sat. And waited.

Waited for it to come.

With all of life's uncertainties...

This much she knew would come.

 

[DarkWarrioress]

"Broken Bridges"

There are bridges on life's highway
But we never see them there.
Some cross troubled waters
Some don't go nowhere.
Some you wouldn't step on,
If you were trying to save your soul.
One comes with a keeper
When it's time to pay the toll.
Some aren't meant to last forever
Some are made of stone.
Some are meant to cross together,
Some you go alone.
Some the slightest wind can send them,
Crashing to the ground.
I set our bridge on fire,
But I could not burn it down.

[Chorus]
Now here I am(ooohh)
Prayin for forgiveness
And I can see you(And I can see you)
Standing on the other side(oohh)
Here I go (Here I go)
And Baby it's a heavy load (It's a heavy load)
I have crossed some broken bridges in my time
(Broken bridges in my time)

Now here I am (Now here I am)
Prayin for forgiveness (Prayin for forgiveness)
And I can see you (oh I can see you)
Standing on the other side
(Standing on the other side)
Here I go (Now, here I go)
And Buddy it's a heavy load (Baby it's a heavy load)
But I have crossed some broken bridges in my time
(crossed some broken bridges in my time)
Yes, I have crossed some broken bridges in my time.
​

 

[DarkWarrioress]

 

[DarkWarrioress]

A steaming cup of coffee is cradled in her hands as she stares at the various small objects on her desk, all of which hold some meaning to her. What she doesn't have is one for her Papa Bear. Something, that when her eyes fall upon it remind her of him. Not that she needed something for that. Her fingers found the star hanging around her throat as her eyes misted over. He was constantly a surprise to her. His thoughtfulness showing in small ways and over small things that she never gave second thought to or thought that he would even give thought to. She blinked a few times. Maybe she'd find something while she was holiday shopping in the next few months.

The last few days had unsettled her. Hopefully, moved past but not forgotten or that there was work, on her part, to do. It had made too deep of an impression on her mind to ever dismiss. There were moments when she didn't feel safe. When she felt like her heart would shatter into a million pieces, making her forget to breathe. Those times, with his daddy senses in full alert, he came to quell them. Sooner or later. But now, she could concentrate at least. Focus. So, throughout her busy day, she would work on posts owed and with any luck, she would be able to say she was caught up by Monday.

Her eyes fell on the small dagger Luna had left her and grinned. She probably should write out the dark thoughts encroaching on her mind in some sort of mini story. Something that would go along with this time of year. Oh yes... images were forming.

 

[DarkWarrioress]

Ugh. Coffee is discarded and I shuffle off back to bed and slip under the covers to curl up and huddle in misery.

Stupid stomach.

 

[DarkWarrioress]

 

[DarkWarrioress]

Journal Entry~

This past week has been stressful, in more ways than one. I can not and will not turn away family when they reach out to me. Don't get me wrong, I have disowned two brothers because of their previous offenses. Step over my hard line boundary and that's it.

Last night, more stress was heaped on the pile and I almost lost it. Thank heavens for my daddy. I spent the evening, into the early morning hours in his lap being comforted, loved and soothed. All the things I needed. I am thankful. More than I could possibly express. He is my rock.

I have done something this past week that was unforgivable but, perhaps, one day, the offense will be forgiven. I pray so. Until then, I move forward, keeping the lesson learned in the front of my mind, realizing that not all of us have been brought up alike, that some of us have suffered through our childhood in far more harsher circumstances and therefore, we should learn to temper our emotions lest we lose the very thing that is most precious to us.

I still feel fragile as if one foot stepped in the wrong direction will bring my glass house shattering around my feet but it's getting better. I took far too much for granted. The knowledge that I was loved, didn't mean they wouldn't walk away. It was a very distinct possibility. It wasn't a possibility I wanted to see turn into a reality or that it was one I wanted to live with. Now, it is up to me to prove something.

I need to prove I am worth loving.

 

[DarkWarrioress]

Pushing back my chair, I am satisfied with my writing progress. I had one piece left and one to adjust. The adjustments were done and the piece left, well, that one is in limbo, for now. I discovered I had two new posts to answer. Glancing at the time, I yawned. Enough for today. Tomorrow I'll get to the others unless I find I can't sleep then I will be back at my desk.

Sleep. An unlikely commodity especially tonight. I'll survive. I always do.

 

[Britwitch]

Drops off some pretty coffees for the Lady of the house

 

[DarkWarrioress]

Drops off some pretty coffees for the Lady of the house

Ooooo. Pretties and yummies. Thank you, Brit.

 

[DarkWarrioress]

Journal Entry~

So. After another talk, I feel better. Not out of the woods by any means. I don't dismiss this lightly, but I feel like I can breathe again. There's still more talking to be done but not while things are still so raw. What is left to discuss, can wait. It's not anything detrimental, at least, I don't think so.

I'm feeling productive today. Must be the weather. Okay. So it's only a little bit of the weather. Laughter is the best medicine. I have laughed quite a bit this morning. I have missed it these past few days while I was navigating through emotions.

This electronical by-way we use these days, can be anything we form it to be, there is still the reality of it that can not be denied. If you put yourself out there as a real person and anyone else you meet along the way, feels the same? Then it's going to be as real as you want it to be. There is a line, granted. Still, when you blend this world over into the the everyday, real one you face? Certain aspects of this one are just a real. So if I go through emotional turmoil here and I can feel it with me when I'm away from here, that turmoil is no less real.

We each come seeking something from this place and whether anyone else thinks it's valid or not, doesn't mean a damn thing unless they're caught up in it too. Regardless of what it is we seek or how we seek it, we're all still valid. Every human voice, their thoughts, their feelings, their being, is valid. It's just a matter of to whom.

I'm waxing philosophical instead of writing. I need to get back to that.

One final thought.

Laughter. Hearing it makes me happy. Especially when I'm the cause of and for it.

 

[DarkWarrioress]

Journal Entry~

Merry-go-rounds. Hate them. I get motion sick easily. Deep thought has given way to the ironic. I've been on one. Nothing else explains it. So, the logical mind says, get off the damn thing. That's what I am going to do. Pull myself out of the molasses I have found myself in. Refocus.

I gave someone some advise last night. Stop looking, stop thinking, too far ahead. Focus on what is right in front of you. Especially when you feel overwhelmed.

I am an extremely emotional person. I react strongly. To everything. I believe it's better than simply not giving a shite about anything. So, this morning, while I lay under a blanket, staring up at the ceiling, I realized I needed to take my own advice. Concentrate on what's right in front of me. Worrying about something that is out of my control will do nothing but give me a fecking ulcer. That's all I need. Let others do what what they need to. I have done all I can. What will be, will be. If changes happen, adapt. It's the one thing I am good at, adapting. I got mired down. My own fault. It stops. Today.

 

[DarkWarrioress]

Emotions had abounded for almost a week now. Tricky bastards. They could suck you down into their mire and keep sucking at you until you woke up, hopefully not too late, and realized it and worked to pull yourself out again.

Enough. She had had enough. Stalking to bedroom closet, she rooted around until she found what she wanted. They were pretty. They gleamed in the sunlight that peeked out from the cloud filled sky. Hefting them in her palms, her fingers closed around their hilts. Once cleared of the closet, she brandished them in the open space of her bedroom. Eyes went the sliding door that led outdoors. Ah yes. That's where she should be anyway. Letting the cold numb her mind and every other part of her body and then let her workout flush everything warm again.

Slipping out into the early afternoon of her garden, her eyes spied the barn a short distance away. She really needed to go check on things there. She had banned the maids from entering his abode until he returned. They fought over who would clean it. She tired of the routine. She would see to his place herself until his return. Then the maids could bicker over it and Ice could deal with them. Besides, she was dying to see Agatha. Maybe the dog could come stay with her until his return. Right now, it was time to work out.

She took up her stance and proceeded.

 

[DarkWarrioress]

Introspection

The morning broke into her consciousness in an odd fashion. There was calm. A stillness inside her that hadn't been there in this past week. Not happiness. Not sadness. Not anything. Just this blank calm. It didn't sit with her easily, she found herself shifting in her chair as if trying to adjust to it. Concentration and focus on any one thought was elusive.

What did it mean?

Hell, if she knew, though she had an idea. Impulsiveness had cost her before. It wasn't something she would indulge in again. So, she compromised. She'd wait. For a few days before acting. More introspection, obviously. It was the season for that.

A lot more was becoming clearer for her. Things she already knew in the back of her mind, but she needed to be sure. Give all the chances there were to be given. Her resolve was stronger than before. Why today? Why now? Especially since she had been such a mess up until this point. She didn't understand it herself. Not really. Perhaps because she wanted to believe in human strength. Perhaps because she wanted to believe in people. Possibilities were endless. There were things in the human psyche that were just too strong to overcome no matter the support and love offered. People were driven to feel needed, useful. To feel appreciated and loved. To feel.... attractive when their physical attributes show them otherwise in a mirror. The desperate need to feel in control, to exert what they wished they could in their mundane every day life, the feeling of which was either limited or non-existant. Daily lives are complicated. There's always something we want, need, that we can't have at the moment we desire it. The list was endless.

It was time to quit hoping for a tomorrow she wanted when it was something that couldn't be seen or even predicted. It was time to let go and simply live in the moment and let tomorrow see to itself. Shallowness or depth. Whatever it would bring. She could hope. She always hoped. Until it winked out. Human nature was just far too unpredictable in some ways and in others? Extremely predictable. Why? Because we're creatures of habit. That's where our comfort zone, our security lies. In habit.

Perhaps, for her, the wheel had come full turn again. What was had served its purpose. Perhaps it was time. Perhaps it was time to strip away the excuses and see things without feelings blurring it. To see it for what it truly was/is. Not pine for what was and would probably be thrown away. No matter how good it had felt.

Insulated. That's what she needed. To feel insulated from everything she wasn't good at. She didn't feel safe. The ground under her feet was quicksand. Feeling safe was good. Feeling secure, was good. She just needed to acknowledge and accept the simple fact that certain things she just could not do. Every time she tried, she failed. That was okay too. Failing. There were just certain things she was looking for and acknowledgement that she she wasn't going to find them was bittersweet. People failed. She failed. It was human nature and acceptable because there are lessons to be learned in failure. Lessons that were not to be repeated.

She needed to clear out the desires, the wants, the needs, the feelings and simply think. Levelheadedly and alone.

Sometimes we just need to be alone.

And sometimes, we need to hear a voice to anchor us. To keep us from floating away in a sea of darkness until that darkness is lifted by the light again.

 

[DarkWarrioress]

A cup of hot orange tea and a few cookies sound good right about now.

 

[DarkWarrioress]

Somewhere deep in the cellar

 

[DarkWarrioress]

So, aside from the vise grips that are squeezing my fallopian tubes, the morning has been pretty damn good. I owe a couple of responses for threads, one of which is almost done. I promised to write something creative and nice for someone else. That one is going to need some thought. The question is... do I write something? I know I can do that or do I read something? I'm not so good at that. Decisions. Decisions.

I can handle stress. It just becomes really trying when it hits me from two sides all at once. I must apologize for bleeding all over Lit though I have tried to contain it to here, where people have the option of not having to read it. I want to thank my friends for their support and encouragement. I am thankful that people care enough to take the time to say something to me. The lack of sleep and eating has made me feel like I'm walking on a razor's edge and my imagination tends to run away from me. I know it also is not a good time to make any kind of personal decisions. I love my family but sometimes, I swear.... In any case, no matter who it involves, I need to weigh my choices wisely. I knew I was on the track to becoming an emotional wreck. I think I have shut down in some instances out of necessity. Odd how that happened. I just woke up yesterday and I felt no stress at all. It was like standing outside of my body and watching myself, if that makes any sense.

Then the Universe, bitch that it is, decided I needed to get drawn back in. Hello cramps. Fuck you. I liked the not feeling things. At least for awhile. Can I have it back, please? I promise not to keep it forever and ever. Just for a little while.

Or.....

I'll end up simply lining everyone up and do some good old fashioned bitchslapping.

 

[yeishia]

https://encrypted-tbn1.***********/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSmV96o1-WWNcf9nKygfuwiiUvk9yF8LjapjwYSp_-HIAdUKo7XLQ​

I am not following the lounges much as I am concentrating on trying to write again and so am more out of the loop than is usual. * Blushes* i am always out of the loop he he . I can however clearly see that for some reason you are hurting and wish I could help ease your pain.

 

[DarkWarrioress]

https://encrypted-tbn1.***********/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSmV96o1-WWNcf9nKygfuwiiUvk9yF8LjapjwYSp_-HIAdUKo7XLQ​

I am not following the lounges much as I am concentrating on trying to write again and so am more out of the loop than is usual. * Blushes* i am always out of the loop he he . I can however clearly see that for some reason you are hurting and wish I could help ease your pain.

Stressing more than hurting, Yeishia. But nonetheless, thank you for your concern and kindness. *kisses her cheek* As in all things, this too, shall pass.