The Lover (My first post here)

[felix_Bosco]

A kiss upon her lips; Divine!
To taste the breath of turpentine,
To trace her face of porcelain,
The milky cool of frozen skin
I ache for; Here, a lullaby
To save you from your heavy sigh,
And take you to an endless dream,
My Woe! You suffer, so I deem
Another sip to bring your sleep
Too deep, so deep that I can keep
Your body an eternal shrine,
And infinitely mine.


I just signed up today after stalking this site for a couple years. Any feedback would be great, thanks in advance

 

[butters]

well in that case i'd like to welcome you to the forum

thanks for sharing your poem. i will be back on here tonight and have time to look at it then. the first couple of lines made me interested already. enjoy your time here!


butty

 

[felix_Bosco]

Thanks

I appreciate it

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Hi Felix and welcome ......... lurk no more!

 

[butters]

A kiss upon her lips; Divine!
To taste the breath of turpentine,
To trace her face of porcelain,
The milky cool of frozen skin
I ache for; Here, a lullaby
To save you from your heavy sigh,
And take you to an endless dream,
My Woe! You suffer, so I deem
Another sip to bring your sleep
Too deep, so deep that I can keep
Your body an eternal shrine,
And infinitely mine.


I just signed up today after stalking this site for a couple years. Any feedback would be great, thanks in advance

nicely metered rhyming couplets, the originality of L's 2 and 3 & 11 and 12, the imagery and musicality - these all combine to create an interesting, slightly chilling write. the break from the tetrameter that comes with the final line serves to underline the neatness of the construct preceding it. all in all, while it doesn't have me jumping up in excitement, it still makes me think 'yeah, ok, i want to read more from this person'. thanks for bringing this to the table, felix_B.

 

[SeattleRain]

Hi Felix

I think I am scared of you

 

[twelveoone]

A kiss upon her lips; Divine!
To taste the breath of turpentine,
To trace her face of porcelain,
The milky cool of frozen skin
I ache for; Here, a lullaby
To save you from your heavy sigh,
And take you to an endless dream,
My Woe! You suffer, so I deem
Another sip to bring your sleep
Too deep, so deep that I can keep
Your body an eternal shrine,
And infinitely mine.


I just signed up today after stalking this site for a couple years. Any feedback would be great, thanks in advance

Why do I get the feeling if I comment I'll get in trouble?
She may be cold, but is she flammable?

 

[felix_Bosco]

Thanks for the comments. Haha not all of my work is as creepy. I like to try different styles and concepts. And yes, I guess she is flammable. I'll try to keep her away from any open flame ;-)

 

[butters]

Why do I get the feeling if I comment I'll get in trouble?
She may be cold, but is she flammable?

*snortchuckle*
what a visual. flambé, anyone?

 

[twelveoone]

ahem

 

[shefer]

like it........