The Long Ridge - feedback request

[Highland Fox]

Hi folks

Please could someone give me a spot of feedback on my first ever erotic story?


It's here:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=156930
and falls into the erotic couplings category. The title is 'The Long Ridge'

I wrote it largely to get some experience in dialogue and characterization, so feedback on those would be particularly valued, but I'll be happy with tips on anything else. From the voting, I seem to be doing something right.

I have had some anonymous feedback (if the person who wrote that feedback reads this, thanks, because it was very constructive). Here's what I've got so far:
<<There are important risks when an author writes a story from the viewpoint of the opposite sex. Since REALISM is rather important to me, I would prefer that the story was written from HIS viewpoint instead.>>

This is fair comment, but I wanted the practice at writing from someone else's point of view. Without taking it to the extreme of aliens and rugby players, a woman seemed like a good bet.

<<There are so many reasons why CAREFUL people shouldn't have sex after just ONE day of hiking. It makes far more sense for them to spend two long days and a long evening conversing with each other in an effort to learn whether the other IS REALLY TRUSTWORTHY, before yielding to the demands of their sex organs.>>

True. I thought I'd explained this better. Rachael wants to catch her man in case he strikes off on his own. This would also have slowed the story down. I'm already having trouble with a slow start in the sequel, but I need that as plot intro for part 3.

<<Furthermore, I think that an important part of human sexuality is connected to creating and maintaining LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS.>>

As a fellow romantic, I agree, but Rachael is thinking, approximately, that if she doesn't seduce him now there might not be a relationship at all (there is a flash of regret on day 2 as a result). I wrote it as a calculated risk that she was taking.

<<Conversely, I think that it is unlikely that Rachael would still be on the pill if she didn't have a regular sex partner and indeed HAD GIVEN UP on the prospects of finding one any time soon.>>

I know several women who use it to either control cramps or be able to predict their cycles. Mentioning this would have slowed the story down and spoiled the mood I was building. Not good.

<<A re-write or similar story would instead have her telling him before they start that SHE IS UNPROTECTED. First they try to keep their clothes on. Failing that, they try to use oral sex to satisfy each other. Failing that, he honestly promises to pull out just before ejaculating. But the sex is SO VERY GOOD that her strong climax milks his cock thus initiating his climax so that he is FORCED to violate his promise. Strangely enough, the grim knowledge of her risk just increases the pleasure of their intercourse and the sheer strength of their climax.>>

Good idea, if becoming a little cliched.

So, thanks again, Anonymous. That's where I am so far. Any more constructive feedback will be warmly welcomed

Thanks in advance.

Highland Fox

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It moves awfully slowly, and there’s an awful lot of extraneous detail. I got halfway through the first page, and I thought I pretty much knew what kind of story I was dealing with: outdoor sex between fellow hikers. I’m a pretty impatient reader, I confess, but I think half a Lit page (something like 2000 words) is enough time to grab my interest. Halfway down this one and the only thing I was curious about was why you put in that bit of sexual ambiguity about your hero.

I really was at a loss to explain her attraction to him. I just couldn’t see it. He didn’t seem expecially charming or attractive, and in the end she seemed to like him because he was mountineer and had strong legs. This is the kind of thing that guys think that girls like about them: strength and outdoor savvy. There was no chemistry between them, and I couldn’t understand why a girl so intent on getting away from people would suddenly run into a stranger and decide to seduce him. It seemed that she liked him because he was the only guy around.

As far as the speaking and characterization, I don’t know. Most of it seemed okay, but then he said, “Such as they are, my plans are pretty similar and reasonably flexible…” I don’t know how people speak in Scotland, but here he’d probably be more likely to shrug and say “Whatever.”

The writing is good, but as I say, there was way more detail than I needed or wanted to know, and for me it clogged up the story and slowed it down to a crawl. She even tells us how her hat landed when she took it off! Do we really need to know that?

So I don’t know. Maybe the sexual ambiguity will figure into the story later, but 4 Lit pages in a lot to read, and I’m afraid you lost me at the start.

---dr.M.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Most people don't put in enough description, so I don't like to say this, but yes there is way too much description. What you want is a long, drawn-out feel to it to evoke the expanse of mountains and sky, and some of it contributes well to that effect. This, for instance:

Silence fell, or as close to silence as you get in the hills. I listened to the sound of the running water, the wind, birds calling off in the heather, a sheep somewhere off on the hillside.

This is a new look at the scene. Earlier on you've already described the scenery and the people and established the situation; now further description is appropriate if it changes something or they encounter something new. A rest stop, silence as they contemplate the mountains, is worth mentioning. So is A solitary raven called a throaty ‘pruk-pruk-pruk’ as it wheeled above the lochan at its head, a very good sentence, as that intrudes unbidden on the scene.

But mostly the scene, once established, should be unobtrusive. The sun was starting to lower in the west is redundant in two places ('lowering' would do), and could be attached as a clause, 'As the sun lowered'; or you could have the dull gold reminding them to hurry to a ridge, implying the passage of time.

A red and white headscarf, of the type you see on people in Arab countries on the news should be 'a red and white Arab-style headscarf' or something of that kind, as we do all know them and you don't have to explain how we do. A pony-tail of hair the colour of ripe wheat should be a corn-coloured pony-tail, since 'hair' is redundant and we have an established adjective for this colour. When I say 'should be', I mean it should be that short and unobtrusive. Your overall description is too burdened, just as these sentences are.

The lichen scene should be an opportunity to do what he's doing, to slow down and concentrate on small things. This is where you should move in and note unimportant details. But for it to work, it has to contrast with a normal pace. There is value in looking at lichens, but not at how her hat wheels or how they choose their camp. That they're skilled in mountaincraft is a fact about them that should have been covered in the introduction of the characters, and not brought back in unless the particular instance is necessary.

Amid all this description, you haven't described or displayed their characters. We know what he looks like, but nothing of what he's like. The only dialogue was a few words of introduction; then they walk and talk for hours; then you mention that he's knowledgeable: but it is this, not where he works, that ought to be in dialogue. By the end of the first page they're going to have sex, but we don't know why. The most important parts of character need to be brought out by giving us the highlights of their dialogue.

It goes without saying that you're a skilled writer and your work is free of the more elementary mistakes most people here make, so take this criticism in that context.

 

[Highland Fox]

Thanks

Thanks very much, guys. This is exactly the kind of thing I'm looking for.

I know I need to work on characterization and dialogue, so a lot of this will be stuff I'll apply in what I'm working on at the moment.

I'm not sure about the comments about the pace. I can see how my readers would look at it, so it's something I'm really going to have to think about. In the mountains in summer things do seem to move very slowly (unless there's a storm coming in!), especially in the evenings. I was trying to recreate that mood, but it's an utter nightmare when people who don't know that are trying to read it. One to think about, obviously. I need to be able to do that if I'm going to write seriously.

And yes, less waffle!

Don't worry, I'm perfectly happy to take negative criticism if it'll improve my writing. This will!

Thanks again.

Highland Fox

PS - Dr Mabeuse, Coleridge is just great! He really knew about setting mood!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Hey Fox! Yes, I had quite an affair with Kablai Khan in school, and those lines always knocked me out.

You know, thinking about what RS said, it ocurrs to me that the lichen scene is the perfect time to have her start falling for him. I mean, let's face it, is there anything lower and less dramatic than a lichen? Yet here he is, taking the time to look at them and finding beauty there. This is the kind of thing that might charm a woman. Just as he makes her look twice at something she'd never notice, this is the scene where she should suddenly look twice at him, and see something there she hadn't noticed either. I think this is where she'd first start to feel something for him.

I think that's what you were trying to do, but the scene came off more as an ice-breaker than as an her discovery of what an extrardinary man he was. She might have noticed his hands, the delicacy of his touch. To me, those are the kind of things women notice. Maybe you could even play with the fact that lichens are symbionts. You might be able to squeeze something sexy out of that: two totally different organisms living together and helping each other out.

Rainbow nailed it about their characters. We see them doing stuff, but that doesn't tell us who they are or really what they're like, and we need some sort of character-revealing action. The lichen scene could provide that. It's an intimate moment, and I think you should have exploited it.

The scenery descriptions are really well done, but without some tension between the characters to propel the story, it's like a travelogue. That's what makes it feel draggy, I think. We're still waiting for the characters to show us who there are and what they intend to do with each other, and so all the scenery almost seems beside the point.

Personally, I think I would have had the heroine just coming off a bad relationship and nursing a broken heart. That way she could be anti-social, but also ready to find someone new. That would have prepared her for meeting Neil.

Just some ideas.

---dr.M.

 

[Highland Fox]

Hey Mabeuse

Yeah, that's exactly what I was trying to do. The fact that it obviously didn't work means I need to work on my style. Whatever it takes to become a good writer!

I wonder if it's possible to submit a reworked version! Given feedback and voting it looks like a good story with the potential to be a *really* good story.

Thanks again.

Fox

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Hey Mabeuse

Yeah, that's exactly what I was trying to do. The fact that it obviously didn't work means I need to work on my style. Whatever it takes to become a good writer!

I wonder if it's possible to submit a reworked version! Given feedback and voting it looks like a good story with the potential to be a *really* good story.

Thanks again.

Fox

Yes, you can resubmit a story. Just rework it the way you want it, and when you submit it, put the word "(EDITED)" at the end of the title and Laurel will replace the original with the edited version.

---dr.M.

 

[Highland Fox]

Thanks Mabeuse.

I'm working on it - taking all the comments into account.

Watch this space, please!

Thanks again.

Cheers

Fox