The Little Things We Remember

[drunkwombat]

Out of curiosity I'd like to know what people think of this story, good, bad, indifferent. I appreciate your input.
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-little-things-we-remember

 

[drunkwombat]

FYI - It's a 1400 word story about a guy reconnecting with an old love.

 

[ElectricBlue]

That's a sweet little story, efficiently told and completely believable. Nice work.

 

[drunkwombat]

That's a sweet little story, efficiently told and completely believable. Nice work.

Thank you very much for the compliments and for responding.

 

[StillStunned]

I enjoyed it. Sweet and relatable. Very human.

If you're open to constructive feedback: I didn't like the way you handled the tenses. The use of present tense felt off, and in some places you didn't apply it consistently. It's easier to get it right if you stick to past tense throughout, even to describe ongoing situations that still exist in the story's present.

And you put a sentence in brackets. They're unnecessary.

Overall though, a very good effort! A very pleasant, readable style, particularly at the start.

 

[drunkwombat]

Very open to constructive criticism, it's why I posted here, lol. (Although four of my stories other than this one took ratings hits since I posted, drew attention to myself apparently). None of this is me arguing with you.

I'm not sure where the tense was improperly applied, please let me know. Overall, I think the tenses work since this is a story being told by Mark, whether to the reader or himself as he reflects on the past. There are places where he refers back to something in the past and then explains what he was thinking/feeling in the moment. I think it's something very common we all do but from a reader's perspective I guess I can see it.

The brackets are meant to reflect a kind of editorial comment meant to lend color, not a key part of the story. At least that's his intent. I absolutely get what you're getting at there though, something for me to keep in mind.

Thank you very much for your kind words and criticisms.

 

[StillStunned]

I'm not sure where the tense was improperly applied, please let me know. Overall, I think the tenses work since this is a story being told by Mark, whether to the reader or himself as he reflects on the past. There are places where he refers back to something in the past and then explains what he was thinking/feeling in the moment. I think it's something very common we all do but from a reader's perspective I guess I can see it.

I had this memory of her ... Right now, I can't remember what she said ... I remember her blearily looking up at me ... Unlike me she works from the bottom up ... unlike any other women I'd met ... I hadn't seen anybody after her but then again, I wasn't looking. ... There was a note of concern in her voice. ... I was utterly blank.

The problem is that in the first part the narrator is looking back (present tense remembering in past tense), but you still have "I had this memory", "any other woman I'd met" and "hadn't seen anybody". Or else the narrator is speaking in the present, referring to "this morning [that] was different", but also to the present ("she works from the bottom up", "I find it sexy", etc.) And then the second part is told in the past tense: "was a note of concern", "I was utterly blank", and a few more.

So either it's not consistent, or else you have three levels of tense going on and that distracts the reader.

Every time the reader has to shift their mind in a different direction (up, down and up again, or past-present-further past-present), it takes a little energy, and if you do it too much it becomes annoying. If you want to keep your reader's attention, try to move in one direction as much as possible, or at least for as long as possible. Think of it as a camera panning over a scene: you don't want to jerk back and forth, you want it to move smoothly and logically.

It's a small thing, but it helps with the flow. Readers here need reasons to keep reading and not click away, so you have to make it as effortless as possible. As soon as the reading becomes a chore, or they have to put more effort into it than the enjoyment justifies, they'll move on to another story.

 

[StillStunned]

(Qualifying the above by adding that it's your story, of course, and you should always do what works best for you and how you perceive the story. All advice is just that: advice, not a hard and fast rule. It's my opinion, based on my experience. Do with it what you will, but I'll also add that all advice is worth at least some consideration.)

 

[ElectricBlue]

It's a small thing, but it helps with the flow. Readers here need reasons to keep reading and not click away, so you have to make it as effortless as possible. As soon as the reading becomes a chore, or they have to put more effort into it than the enjoyment justifies, they'll move on to another story.

You're a writer, so you're more critical than most readers. I take your points, but to be honest, they went below my radar. The sentiment of the story outweighed the technical flaws for me.

I realise that I'm actually quite forgiving as a reader, if the story is strong enough.

 

[drunkwombat]

StillStunned: No problem, the criticism was constructive and thanks for explaining your thoughts. I remain happy with the way I wrote it, for the reasons noted by ElectricBlue, but I will keep your comments in mind going forward. I've gotten a few notes in the past that my stories are sometimes confusing but your the first to explain it to me. (BTW, I like Sci Fi and need to dig into your back catalog).

ElectricBlue: Liked your insight, both for your reaction to the story as well as the writer comment. I've seen marginal drops in the ratings of roughly 5 of my stories; we're talking something like 0.01 to 0.03. I chalk it up to people bringing a more critical eye to reading my stories, triggered by this post.

I posted in this thread because of the tyranny of ratings. I've given up on trying to figure out why some stories rate high and others low, number of views and so on and have almost given up chasing them. I posted this out of shear curiosity but must note that three of my best reviewed stories took hits in the last day or two and it bugs me.

 

[StillStunned]

StillStunned: No problem, the criticism was constructive and thanks for explaining your thoughts. I remain happy with the way I wrote it, for the reasons noted by ElectricBlue, but I will keep your comments in mind going forward. I've gotten a few notes in the past that my stories are sometimes confusing but your the first to explain it to me.

Good luck with it!

(BTW, I like Sci Fi and need to dig into your back catalog).

A few of my SF&F stories are sci-fi, but most are fairly gritty fantasy. "Not A Soul" and "Into The Night" are probably the only ones I'd classify as strictly sci-fi. "The Dome" is post-apocalyptic sci-fi-that-could-just-as-easily-be-fantasy,

 

[drunkwombat]

Good luck with it!

A few of my SF&F stories are sci-fi, but most are fairly gritty fantasy. "Not A Soul" and "Into The Night" are probably the only ones I'd classify as strictly sci-fi. "The Dome" is post-apocalyptic sci-fi-that-could-just-as-easily-be-fantasy,

I'm good with fantasy too.

It's in a weird niche but I did a humorous, (fingers crossed), fantasy noir story for the last Geek Pride event called They Fight Crime. I throw it out there in case you're interested.