The Killer Angels (Close to myself and Starwhisperer)

[StarWhisperer]

“You had better try hard.” Abigail’s voice was serious as she looked Reynolds over. “I would love you regardless, but I will love you more if you try hard to stay in one piece.” She paused, then tacked on, “please.” Abby finished her second glass of lemonade and set the empty cup down, folding her hands on her lap. Her eyes flicked over John’s face. She kept memorizing it, so she would be able to picture him while he was gone. She didn’t want to forget, not for anything. And she just liked looking at him.

“Well,” Abby corrected herself, “I guess we won’t thank Mrs. Hayford, then, if we can’t help it. She’ll probably be at our wedding, you know. In fact, there is basically no chance she won’t be there.” Abigail leaned back in her chair, still looking him over. “If you die…” Her voice was slow and careful. Thoughtful. She closed her celery-green eyes for a moment, pondering.

Abigail took a deep breath. “If you die, I’m not sure what I’ll do. I’ll go on, I suppose. I’m not sure I’ll ever marry, if you’re dead. Maybe have a baby if I’m pregnant… if not, I’ll live alone for all my days, and I’ll be alright, because I’ll have my memories. I can’t say I’ll be happy, because I won’t be, not without you. You’ve changed me, John.” Abby opened her eyes abruptly, looking at him. “You’ve changed me. I can’t live without you anymore. You’re like oxygen to me. You are my air.”

Her eyes met his and it was clear that she meant it. He looked very good at that moment. “You’re not normal,” Abigail informed him quietly. She reached out and took his hand. “You’re special. You’re special to me.”

 

[AdaliaRP1990]

Reynolds looked back at Abigail. His eyes lingered on the face that he would miss so dearly after tomorrow had passed. He wasn‘t sure he had the willpower to leave him anymore. Every fiber in his being was screaming to stay with her, but every ounce of his dignity knew that if he abandoned his army he‘d have hell to pay. There was the problem right there. Reynolds couldn‘t stay and couldn‘t go, either way he went it would be agony. That was the complication loving Abigail had posed, either way he went he would find himself conflicted. Yet, the more and more he spent veering towards his life with her, the less and less painful the consequences seemed to be. If he left for the war, he left without her and that on its own was painful enough. If he left with her, the war disappeared and all that mattered was her. He would lose his honor, his name and all the respect from the North, but it wouldn’t matter because he had her. Albeit, he still couldn’t do it. He couldn’t abandon the men who trusted him to bring them home alive. He couldn’t support Abby without the honor anyway.

The day was slowly slipping away as the light of the sun hit the skies with an orange tinge. The sun was setting and the light was slowly fading reminding the strange couple that they had very little time left together. It wasn’t fair. There was not a single argument sound enough to stand against that. It was truly unfair, that love so undoubtedly true, was faced against the worst of circumstances. Reynolds could have pointed out simpler romances and unrequited loves that didn’t have to face the challenges that they did now. Why, if something was so pure and so beautiful, should it be challenged? Why not allow it to be? It was as if this world was spiraling into some kind of disaster. Allowing all the dark, convoluted and fake things to thrive, while all the purities of the world died out. Reynolds shook his head in distaste. It truly was not fair.

Mrs. Hayford. Now there wasn’t much Reynolds could say to that particular that would end up being pleasant. In fact, he had a rather peculiar distaste for most women who gossiped like Mrs. Hayford. He had more of a distaste for women who gossiped without even being part of what they talked about. It wasn’t like he had anything against gossiping, sometimes talking was the healthiest way to go about things. Not to mention gossip is what spread his esteem through ought the armies regiments in the first place. Without gossip, none of the higher generals would have even noticed his accomplishments. (Or the small fact that he had been captured.) It was just the fact that Mrs. Hayford had cut his stay short. Thanks to her love for gossip, Meade had decided to stick his foot right up Reynolds’s bollocks. Instead of giving him till the end of the week, he was going to be shipped off Thursday afternoon back to Washington. “She’ll be at our wedding? Well now the pressure is on your mother to make everything perfect. One little slip and you know Mrs. Hayford will be off to tell the neighbors about it…” He chuckled wondering how Mrs. Blake would handle that situation.

The light humor didn’t remain for long. The minute Abby had mentioned Reynolds vital key to her existence, his heart dropped. It was one of the things he had feared the most would happen. He was thrilled that Abigail felt so much the same, but he was not equally as thrilled to think that she wouldn’t go on without him. Reynolds wanted her to have the life she would have without him. He wanted her to be happy, even when her source of happiness was gone. It wasn’t right to dwell on him, he was just an insignificant person. Reynolds held her hands firmly and shook his head, vehemently protesting against her words. “Abigail, you can’t do that to yourself.” He sighed. “I know that I’ve said the same thing. If you’re gone, I don’t know what I would do, but I want to know that you’ll move on without me.” His eyes settled on hers, his heart thudding in the pit of his chest. “It’s not an easy thing to do, I know that, but I don’t want you to be some lonely widow spending out her days in misery. You can find new love, it might not be the same as ours, but it’s still love. You deserve that Abigail, don’t deny yourself when I’m gone. I’ll roll in my grave if you do…”

Reynolds released one of her hands to touch the side of her face. He caressed her cheek never letting his eyes drop contact with hers. “And you’re special to me Abby. There isn’t a part of me that doesn’t love you and that hasn’t changed because of you. Which is why I want you to be happy even if I’m not around.” He kissed each of her fingers. “It would break my heart if you weren’t.” He said trying to play the guilt card on her, he wasn’t sure if it was as effective as hers. She was a woman, they were supposed to be good at those kind of arguments.

 

[StarWhisperer]

Abigail looked up at the setting sun, sighing heavily. Her thoughts were going along the same lines as his were. The dying sun sent a pang through her heart. She didn’t have enough time. Granted, they would never have enough time. A lifetime was not enough, not for her. An eternity would not be enough. Nothing ever could be. It wasn’t fair that enough time could never be allotted to them. They deserved it. He deserved it. He who loved her, who loved her despite the past pain he had been dealt in matters of the heart. He deserved as long as he wanted to love her, regardless. No time limits. Time limits seemed utterly unreasonably to Abigail.

She laughed and shook her head. Her fingertips ran circles around the edge of the empty lemonade glass. Condensation rolled down it’s sides in the hot, humid Southern air. “Mrs. Hayford is among my mother’s closest acquaintances. She wouldn’t want to soil my mother’s name, so anything about the planning or execution of the wedding won’t be blamed on her.” Abby paused, looking up thoughtfully. “Most likely if something goes wrong she’ll find a way to blame you or someone completely unrelated for it. She loves me and my mother.

Abby shook her head again, this time vehemently. She refused to meet John’s eyes. “You don’t understand,” Abigail said quietly. “I can’t just be happy without you. I won’t have a choice, John.” She sounded utterly miserable. “I can promise not to kill myself, but beyond that, there’s little control. I won’t be able to force myself to be happy, to be alright, if you aren’t there. There’s just no real way around it. I love you. I won’t be denying myself. No one will ever measure up to you again.”

She looked down as he tried to guilt trip her. “I love you with all that I am.” Abigail’s voice had dropped now to a whisper. “I have never felt this way before. And once you are gone, I know in my heart that I will never feel this way again. It would break your heart if I was unhappy… but, John, it would break my heart to try and be happy with someone else and be living a lie. It just wouldn’t be right. I could never live with it. And no one will ever fit me the way you do.”