The Inestimable Value of Virginity

[polynices]

I feel a bit bashful about asking, but if anybody's inclined to comment, I'd be grateful for feedback on this 'First Time' story - 'The Inestimable Value of Virginity', at:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=468831

Thanks in advance to anyone who has time to have a look.

- polynices

 

[Firebrain]

I think it's very good, for the most part. Paced well and you make third person work for you because it all feels so very intimate. I would consider these points:

- this appears to be set in England but Billy goes to "college" - why not uni?
- the regional accents you write in are annoying and hard to read. Comment on the accents rather than write them, or simply use them sparsely (sp? ahem!).
- at the end, there's no need for her to spell out that she doesn't want him any more now he's not a virgin because that's blindingly obvious. I'd leave it at "but that was last week."
- exclamation marks are a little over-used.

Not bad at all.

 

[polynices]

Thanks for these comments, Firebrain. They're exactly what I was looking for.

1. On the issue of regional accents, I take your point completely. In fact, I hesitated over the number of apostrophes I was using for dropped aitches as I wrote the story, but then decided to keep them. So it's very useful to hear that they put you off. I'll take your advice in future and keep dialect to a minimum.

2. You say: ' ... at the end, there's no need for her to spell out that she doesn't want him any more now he's not a virgin because that's blindingly obvious. I'd leave it at "but that was last week." ' Thank you. It's a valuable suggestion - and an idea that hadn't occurred to me, I'm sorry to say. If there's ever an edited version of this story, I'll use it.

3. I'll also reconsider the exclamation marks.

4. On the college issue - some British people do say 'college' when they mean 'university' - though that may be a bit old-fashioned now. However, Billy may not be at a university at all. He could be in some other form of tertiary education - which would probably be called a college. That said, if I'd used 'uni', it might have avoided a stutter on your part as a reader - and it really doesn't matter what kind of institution he attends, so 'uni' might have been a better choice.

Thanks very much - again - for these thoughts - and thank you for taking the trouble to respond. Your comments really are useful.

Regards,

- polynices

 

[bwallard]

This is really good. It's a great voice and I like how you work with the present tense. I'd just complained to another writer about the present tense, and here you are proving me wrong.

It's crisp in the beginning but you do blather a bit as we go on. You give us a number of episodes that are different events, yes, but that do not move the story forward.

We want a hint of trouble in the second event and we want to see that trouble develop in the subsequent events.

You introduce characters in the beginning and then discard them. Either use them to make trouble (escalating the adventure) or don't bring them in.

I really enjoyed reading it for a while.

 

[polynices]

Thanks very much for this response, bwallard. I'll think about 'blather'. I was trying to keep this particular story tight and stripped down, but I know some extra words crept in. So, although I thought I'd been pretty strict wih myself while I was writing the thing, maybe I need to be even more ruthless.

Thanks again,

- polynices

 

[DeParjure]

polynices:

One of my favorites I've read here. Well done, indeed.

Jackie

 

[trieste]

Also really enjoyed your story, not just in "porn story" terms but in actual literary terms. Didn't find it scorchingly arrousing, but rather poignant and very believable. Like someone else said, I think spelling out her preference for virgins at the end was unnecessary--would have been a little stronger with that last bit of restraint--but overall it was easy and enjoyable to read. I didn't find myself skimming anywhere, which is always a good sign. Nice work.

 

[polynices]

DeParjure and trieste,

Thank you both for the feedback - and I'm really pleased you both liked the story, of course.

This is the first piece I've posted on this board for feedback. I did it because, although I like the story myself, it's had an odd career: lots of votes (99) and lots of reads - or, at least, openings - (over 46,000 to date), but a pretty low average score: 4.1 at the moment, and it's been a lot lower at times. I suppose I wanted reassurance as well as critique.

I may be wrong, but I think the low-ish score is the result of two factors: 1. the fact that it isn't "scorchingly arousing", as trieste said, and 2. because it has a 'down' ending. My guess is that readers generally like happy endings - though that clearly didn't apply to the people who reviewed the story here.

As I said earlier, the critique has been very useful too. It's drawn the story into focus for me and I've now got a clear idea of how to tweak it to make it better.

Thank you both, again, for commenting. It was very nice to wake up this morning and read your reviews.

- polynices

 

[bwallard]

Thanks very much for this response, bwallard. I'll think about 'blather'. I was trying to keep this particular story tight and stripped down, but I know some extra words crept in. So, although I thought I'd been pretty strict wih myself while I was writing the thing, maybe I need to be even more ruthless.

Thanks again,

- polynices

I wasn't thinking about extra words so much as extra scenes where "extra scenes" means "a plays with b" and then "a plays with b - again - just like before" and then ... The play has to move the story along.

You do move it along, eventually. And I like how you write, for sure, but your story could be tighter.It's much better than most on here, but it's still a B.

 

[polynices]

I wasn't thinking about extra words so much as extra scenes where "extra scenes" means "a plays with b" and then "a plays with b - again - just like before" and then ... The play has to move the story along.

You do move it along, eventually. And I like how you write, for sure, but your story could be tighter.It's much better than most on here, but it's still a B.

Thanks for clarifying, bwallard. I'll think about it.

- polynices