The Ignorant

[The_Quadfather]

I apologize for mixing sex and politics, but I wrote this tonight and I wanted to get a response from everyone. Please let me know what you think...


The Ignorant

Content within their peaceful existence
The problems of others so far away
Focused solely on their self-subsistence
A front row seat to the world's decay

Countries destroyed, generations dead
Yet, no tears fall from their eyes
It wasn't their blood that was shed
And it wasn't their families that died

But it's no longer sufficient to just turn away
For them to shut their eyes and forget
While others less fortunate still fall prey
And carry out their lives under a threat

Almost every day brings a new atrocity
Are these random acts just dismissed?
With no compassion for the sufferers’ plea
I must ask, "is ignorance truly bliss?"

The Quadfather

 

[FifthFlower]

The Ignorant

Content within their peaceful existence
The problems of others so far away
Focused solely on their self-subsistence
A front row seat to the world's decay

Countries destroyed, generations dead
Yet, no tears fall from their eyes
It wasn't their blood that was shed
And it wasn't their families that died

But it's no longer sufficient to just turn away
For them to shut their eyes and forget
While others less fortunate still fall prey
And carry out their lives under a threat

Almost every day brings a new atrocity
Are these random acts just dismissed?
With no compassion for the sufferers’ plea
I must ask, "is ignorance truly bliss?"

Hi,

Since it appears you want criticism and you want to write formal verse, like I do, I'll offer the following comments, more as notes to myself. This is not a "workshop" exercise I am providing, just some comments for you to ignore as I would.

I think I agree with what you are saying, but I don't know who the ignorant ones are. Maybe I am an ignorant one as well in your mind? So, I wonder who are the bad guys? Remember that humor strikes deeper than guilt. And guilt could just annoy your target who might reasonably think you have no right to judge her.

Some of the rhymed words are not actually rhymes: "eyes" does not rhyme with "died", "atrocity" does not rhyme with "sufferer's plea" and "dismissed" does not rhyme with "bliss". Also "away" is used twice as a rhyme word.

Technically, rhyme is secondary to meter. If you don't get the meter right you will need music to keep the beat. In your poem, the meter is not uniform across each line. It makes me wonder whether there is a "line" there at all, despite the fact that you format the poem as if there are lines to be heard and even use rhyme to emphasize the line's end. To tell this in a rough way without actually checking the stress patterns by scanning the potential lines, just count the syllables in each line. The number should be nearly the same, unless you have two or more distinct line forms in play. Basically, I didn't hear any strong line even with the rhyme.

I ignore most comments I get. You should, too. The above is just a bunch of prose anyway. Learn from the poetry you like to read. One of the formal poets at Literotica whom I like is Boxlicker101 . His line is strong, the way it should be.