The heart of a Dragon

[~Dream~]

(please critique)

With the heart of a Dragon
Oh yes he does fly
His spirits they soar
where others might die,

His courage so strong ,
as he breathes his fire
His passion so long
so consumed with Desire

When He spreads his wings,
I am captured by Him
and then its all over
back to where we begin

The dragon's eyes
seem to pierce deep my soul
I lose all perception
he has all the control

the Dragon's touch,
how it's enchanted my heart
from the heart of a Dragon
please dont ever let me part .

~

 

[WickedEve]

suggestions

With the heart of a Dragon
Oh yes he stay consistent with capitalizing He/Him does fly
His spirits they soar maybe change to: his spirit it soars
where others might should that be might or may? die,no comma

His courage so strong , leave out comma
as he breathes his fire
His passion so long
so consumed with Desire

When He spreads his wings,
I am captured by Him
and then its all over
back to where we begin

The dragon's eyes
(seem to) try it without "seem to" pierce deep my soul
I lose all perception
he has all the control

The Dragon's touch,I'd leave out this comma and the rest since you're not consistent with punctuation, and if you change the next line to "has" then you won't need it anyway.
how it's try "has" in place of "how it's" enchanted my heart
from the heart of a Dragon
Please never let me part

Here's what you'll have:

The Heart of a Dragon

With the heart of a Dragon
My love He does fly
His spirit it soars
Where others may die

His courage so strong
As He breathes His fire
His passion so long
So consumed with Desire

When He spreads his wings
I am captured by Him
And then its all over
Back to where we begin

The Dragon's eyes
Pierce deep my soul
I lose all perception
He has all the control

The Dragon's touch
Has enchanted my heart
From the heart of a Dragon
Please never let me part

 

[OT]

I think WickedEve gave you a pretty good edit.

A couple more cents worth.

When He spreads his wings,
I am captured by Him
and then its all over
back to where we begin

The first two lines are fine,
but I don't know what the second two are supposed to mean.
They feel forced.
Since it's confusing and also not a "clean" rhyme, it
begs to be rewritten. Sometimes it's better to lose
an entire stanza rather than let it detract from the
rest of the piece.

 

[JUDO]

Re: suggestions

Here's what you'll have:

The Heart of a Dragon

With the heart of a Dragon
My love He does fly
His spirit it soars
Where others may die

His courage so strong
As He breathes His fire
His passion so long
So consumed with Desire

When He spreads his wings
I am captured by Him
And then its all over
Back to where we begin

The Dragon's eyes
Pierce deep my soul
I lose all perception
He has all the control

The Dragon's touch
Has enchanted my heart
From the heart of a Dragon
Please never let me part

And with a flick of the quill to WE, my thoughts:


With the heart of a Dragon
My love can fly.
His spirit soars
Where others may die.

A courage that's strong --
It breathes white fire
In passion so long,
So consumed with desire.

Wings spread in flight
I am captured, chagrined --
A furious, wanton night
Back to where we begin.

The omnipresent eyes
Deeply pierce my soul.
I lose perception.
He gains control.

But soft is his touch
That enchants my fey heart.
From the warmth of my Dragon,
Never let me part.


----------------------------

 

[WickedEve]

I was hoping some doll would come along and polish it a bit (a lot) more.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I'd get rid of the rhyme altogether. Most of it is too forced and doesn't come out naturally. Generally, when you're whacking the verb at the end of the line consistently, you're doing it wrong. I would also lengthen the line a bit. The breathless rush isn't really coming across very well. It "feels" very twelve-year-old-gushing and not very deep. Take your time. Think about imagery. You're doing the dragon thing, but you're not getting the mileage out of it that you could.

Not bad for a cookie cutter ode to my lover poem. I think it can be salvaged with some thoughtful editing.


With the heart of a Dragon he takes wing
His spirit soars where others might die,
His courage so strong; breathless with fire
Consuming desire; his passion never ends
When He spreads his wings, he captures me
and then its all over and we begin again
The dragon's eyes pierce deep my soul
I lose all perception, falling under his power
the Dragon's touch has enchanted me so
Please never let me part from the dragon of my heart.

Needs more work, of course, it's totally cliche.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Considering your love of being in love, your romantic ideals, and the general way you like to express yourself poetically, I think you should give the sonnet a concerted try. It's a good form for both romance and love. Not just the mushy maudlin, but all parts of it.

I think that not only could you do it justice, but that it would do your poetry justice as well. Freeform just doesn't work all the time for you. You've got really good starts and you have some fantastic lines and some of your ideas are very powerful. Like the notion you put out in your third stanza. That right there is a wonderful insight.

Freeform seems really easy because it doesn't have rules. But it's not, precisely because it doesn't have rules. You're not a disciplined poet--which is not a criticism--so an undisciplined form just sort of runs all over the place with you and you sort of get a little lost.

There's about a ton of forms out there, and the sonnet is a good one to write your content with. It's not too long, 14 lines. It has rhyme to it, which you like. It's got a gentle meter, which suits your preferred subject. It's also romantic, which suits your nature.

Here's a link or two for you:

http://www.bsu.edu/classes/prince/eng104/sonnet.htm
http://www.themediadrome.com/content/articles/words_articles/right_word_3_sonnet.htm

 

[~Dream~]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Considering your love of being in love, your romantic ideals, and the general way you like to express yourself poetically, I think you should give the sonnet a concerted try. It's a good form for both romance and love. Not just the mushy maudlin, but all parts of it.

I think that not only could you do it justice, but that it would do your poetry justice as well. Freeform just doesn't work all the time for you. You've got really good starts and you have some fantastic lines and some of your ideas are very powerful. Like the notion you put out in your third stanza. That right there is a wonderful insight.

Freeform seems really easy because it doesn't have rules. But it's not, precisely because it doesn't have rules. You're not a disciplined poet--which is not a criticism--so an undisciplined form just sort of runs all over the place with you and you sort of get a little lost.

There's about a ton of forms out there, and the sonnet is a good one to write your content with. It's not too long, 14 lines. It has rhyme to it, which you like. It's got a gentle meter, which suits your preferred subject. It's also romantic, which suits your nature.

Here's a link or two for you:

http://www.bsu.edu/classes/prince/eng104/sonnet.htm
http://www.themediadrome.com/content/articles/words_articles/right_word_3_sonnet.htm

____________________

that was very 'NICE'?? of you hmmm what's the catch?

 

[KillerMuffin]

that was very 'NICE'?? of you hmmm what's the catch?

If you don't like the crit, then say "thank you for your time" and ignore the entire thing.

If you do like the crit, then say "thank you for your time" and apply whatever you found valuable.

You can toss nonsensical attempts at snide commentary my way all you like, but do have the common courtesty to thank the others for their time and their effort at your request and on your behalf.

It's rather pathetic when I have more concern and respect for others than you do.

 

[MyOpinion]

We thank you!

KillerMuffin, we who do learn (if indirectly) wish to thank you for your time!