The happy, funny thread.

[intrigued]

This will be my new home. I will be posting funnies...nothing but funnies. This will include skits and Top Ten Lists from my favorite radio morning show..John Boy and Billy's "The Big Show".... and other cool stuff from the net, such as funny pics. You may feel free to add your own. I have only one request...betcha know what it is huh? When Hanns and all his other multiples as well as LordLucan show up, PLEASE do not respond to them even once, because this is my thread to make you feel good, and well, I could use a huge dose of that myself.

My computer is slow, and I'm searching as I post, so sit back and be patient. The rib ticklers are on their way.

My Number One Top Ten List:


The Top Ten things Men understand about Women:

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.












Letter From Home
As read on the Big Show by Marie the French Babe

Dear Brother,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had her baby but I don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat at the distellery and drowned last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off valiantly. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Sis.

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

 

[intrigued]

Reverend Ernest Lee Sincere's
Favorite Church Bulletin Bloopers


The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The Rev. Sincere spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

For those of youwho have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, "The Lord Knows Why."

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

The Low-Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday from 7::00-8:30 PM. Please use the back door.

The Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

The Men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

Stewardship offertory: "Jesus Paid It All."

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD. Rev. Sincere is better.




LOL

 

[weed]

Aah, that's a great idea, Intrigued. Thanks for the smiles.

 

[Rex1960]

This will be my new home. I will be posting funnies...nothing but funnies. This will include skits and Top Ten Lists from my favorite radio morning show..John Boy and Billy's "The Big Show".... and other cool stuff from the net, such as funny pics. You may feel free to add your own. I have only one request...betcha know what it is huh? When Hanns and all his other multiples as well as LordLucan show up, PLEASE do not respond to them even once, because this is my thread to make you feel good, and well, I could use a huge dose of that myself.

My computer is slow, and I'm searching as I post, so sit back and be patient. The rib ticklers are on their way.
....

Bonne chance Mylady.

About time you find a place you feel safe and comfy.
Be assured the good people here will protect you.
I know there's a bunch of admirers, far more than some trolls.

Rex

 

[intrigued]

Thanks weed and Rex, I appreciate that.

Some of their best stuff has broken links...so I'm surfing for something else now. I used to have tons of funnies from other boards, so I'll try to dig them up.

Til then...an excerpt from Mr. Excitement, one of their regulars.

Son of The Prisoner Letter
In which "The Real Mr. Excitement" strikes again.
Another classic true story from the Big Show Mailbag archives

Dear John Boy & Billy:

How are you boys doing? As for me, well -- not too good. As you can see from my return address, I am once again a guest of the state. It seems like no matter where I go, the police are always showing up and ruining my day.

This time, me and my wife were having a little "debate" in the liquor store parking lot when several officers showed up wanting to mediate. Needless to say, I didn't appreciate the intrusion because I just about had this debate won. I informed the officers that I had the situation well in hand and that their assistance was not required.

About his time, Sherlock Holmes sprang the million-dollar-question: "Mr. Newton, have you been drinking?" Now these boys seemed a bit uptight, so I figured maybe a little humor would ease the tension. So I replied, "All my life, wanna fight about it?" Apparently these boys weren't Big Show listeners, because they didn't find this humorous one little bit. At this point, Sherlock informed me that I was under arrest and instructed me to place my hands on the car. You know me: in for a dime, in for a dollar, so I decided to debate this issue as well. I asked what I was being charged with. Sherlock replied "disorderly conduct". I was sort of unprepared to debate on this issue, so the best response I could come up with was, "Disorderly conduct?! I'll show you some disorderly conduct!!!" And thus began 'Slamboree II'.

I got off to a pretty good start, but I should have known from last time that them sum-beaches wouldn't fight fair. It was just a matter of time before the sticks, mace, and heavy flashlights came into play, dashing my hopes of a victory.

After 'Slamboree II', the officers were kind enough to give me a lift to the hospital, where I spent the next six hours getting patched up. I would like to thank the nurse who brought me a plate of ribs to eat while the doctor was waiting on me to sober up. Although, it's pretty tricky eating ribs with your hands cuffed together through the rails of a hospital bed.

Anyway, after about a month in jail, I got my day in court. Even though I'm no Perry Mason, I felt confident that I could handle this one by myself. I proceeded to explain to the judge that at the time of my "unlawful" arrest that I was simply exercising my right to freedom of speech as provided to me by the constitution of these great Unites States of America, and therefore, all charges should be dismissed. Well, the judge pondered my argument for about...ten seconds, then informed me that the constitution did indeed allow for freedom of speech, however this did not extend to slurred speech in a public parking lot while holding an open bottle of liquor. He then sentenced me to one year.

Once again, I have learned a few things from my experience. And they are:

A. if you try to eat ribs while you are drunk and have your hands cuffed together through the rails of a bed, you're gonna get BBQ sauce all over your dang self and there's no way to wipe it off.

B. If you are highly intoxicated and need a ride, don't call your wife, call a cab.

C. When "debating" with police officers, always, always wear a helmet.

Well, I'm going to close for now. Y'all do me a favor, and next time you talk to Flair, tell him I'll be getting out in September and could use a tag-team partner with his experience. Tell him although there ain't really any money in it, if you pick the right location, you do get a pretty good size crowd. Y'all keep 'em straight up there.

Love Ya, Mean It,
The Real Mr. Excitement

 

[LukkyKnight]

I realize that some people are not into bananas and/or ducks, but I just couldn't see putting this into some other thread when I think it's funny.

 

[intrigued]

LOL, LK...thank you! And thanks for peeking in.

I meant to say in my initial post that this thread is meant for YOU to participate in. If you have something funny to share, no matter what it is, please do. If there's something that is making you happy, come in and tell me about it. This is all about giving a little smile or maybe even a laugh.

Gotta go for a bit, I hope you'll take part.

 

[Pixie]

Holiday Stress Diet

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the holidays.

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

Examples:
Milk Duds, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls and Red Vines.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.

Examples:
Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We All know how calories like to cling!!)


REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS