The Genie joke Thread

[YoungGun69]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie''s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she would get 3 wishes.

The genie said, "Nope! Due to inflation, constant down sizing, low wages in third world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant one wish. So... What''ll it be?"

The woman didn''t hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These are countries that have been fighting for thousands of years. I''m good, but not THAT good. I don''t think it can be done, so make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said "Well I''ve not been able to find the right man. You know, one that''s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with house cleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn''t watch sports all the time and is faithful. That''s what I wish for... a good mate."

The genie said, "Let me see that map again."

 

[d_arthur]

Three guys are walking along and they all stumble upon a genie's lamp. Collectively, they rub the lamp and the genie appears. Being that all three found the lamp, the genie agrees to grant them each one wish.

The first guy thinks for a bit and says: "I'd like to be ten times smarter." With a wave of his hands the genie says: "There you have it. You are now ten times smarter."

The second guy thinks for a bit and decides he wants to out do his friend and says: "I'd like to be a hundred times smarter." With a wave of his hands the genie says: "There you have it. You are now a hundred times smarter."

The thurd guy thinks he can out do them all and says: "I'd like to be a thousand times smarter." With a wave of his hands the genie says: "There you have it. You are now a woman."

 

[LRC]

A poor little lonely old lady lived in a house with only her cat as a friend. One day, the lights went out as she sat knitting; she had been unable to pay the electric bill. So, she went up to the attic and got an old oil lamp from her childhood. As she rubbed it clean a genie appeared and allowed her three wishes.
"First, I want to be so rich I never have to worry about money again.''
"Second, I want to be young and beautiful again.''
"And last, I want you to change my little cat into a handsome prince.''

As you would expect, there was a loud explosion, with a lot of thick smoke. As the smoke cleared she saw she was surrounded by big bags of coins, and that in the mirror was a young beautiful woman. She turned as the handsome prince walked in the door, held her in his arms and said, "Now I'll bet you're sorry you took me to the vet for that little operation."


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[Laurel]

Two guys are walking down the street one winter day talking and laughing.
As they’re talking, one of the guys pulls out an enormous lighter, lights his cigarette and keeps talking. The other guy says "Man, that is the biggest lighter I have ever seen in my life, you gotta tell me where you got it"

"Well" says the other guy; "You are my best friend, so I will tell you."

"Tell me what?" says the friend.

The guy draws deeply on his cigarette, puts away his lighter and says, "I’ve got a magic genie."

"A magic genie?" says the friend, "and you never told me? Do you think I could have just one little bitty wish?"

The guy looks down at the ground, shuffles his feet and finally says very hesitantly, "Well, I guess you are my best friend," and with that, proceeds to pull out a miniature bottle from his coat pocket.

Wasting no time, the friend immediately starts his wish "I wish I had one-million bucks right now," and poof! The sky grows instantly dark with the shadow of one-million ducks flying high in the sky.

"What the hell happened?" says the friend, "I asked for one million bucks, not ducks"

"Oh," says the guy "I forgot to tell you, my genie is a little hard of hearing. "Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch Bic?"

 

[Mensa]

Oh, No!!

Archaeologist is digging in a cave in the Middle East and uncovers a dingy-looking oil lamp. He sees there is an inscription on it's side and so he rubs it to make the writing more legible. Suddenly the cave filled with smoke and a very bright light, the man shields his eyes.

When the light subsides he looks and is amazed to see a genie standing before him. The man can't believe his eyes. The genie assures him that he's not hallucinating, and will prove it by granting the archaeologist three wishes. The scientist is certain it's all just a dream but figures he has nothing to lose and so agrees.

The genie sets the ground rules:
1. Three wishes only. No wishing for more wishes.
2. No giving wishes to a third party. The finder of the lamp must make all three wishes.
3. Any wish made will result in the worst enemy of the wisher receiving the same thing but in double the amount.

The archaeologist can't believe the last proviso. "You mean to tell me that whatever I wish for, you will give the same thing to my worst enemy?"
"That's right, Master, only in double the amount. Should you wish for a million dollars, you will receive it, but your foe shall receive two million. So take care of your wishes, Master."

The scientist had heard that genies were alleged to be tricksters and could see why. So he gave the matter much thought. Finally, he decided on his first wish"I want a great home with all the trimmings. Luxury everywhere, even in the garage."
"Done, Master."
Instantly they were transported to a gorgeous home decorated with the most expensive furnishings and appliances. In the garage was a brand new Rolls-Royce automobile.
"Are you pleased, Master?"
"I am very pleased! This is amazing!"
The scientist is standing on his front lawn admiring his beautiful new home when he hears a very familiar and unwelcome voice behind him. He turns and see his worst enemy standing on the front lawn of the home directly opposite.
"Genie, what the hell is he doing here?"
"Master, I told you. Whatever you wish for yourself will be given in double measure to your worst enemy. Your foe not only has the beautiful home across the way but another equally impressive for a summer place."

The archaeologist didn't care for this turn of events and decided to be more cautious with his next wish. "I know what I want for my next wish."
"Whatever you wish for will be granted, Master."
"I wish for a wife. Not just any wife, but a drop-dead gorgeous woman who will do anything I ask of her without complaint, day or night. One who will never have eyes for anyone else only me!"
"It is done, Master"
Out of the house walked the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. She stood by his side , kissed him passionately and clung to him admiringly.
"There now. If you give that bastard across the street twice what I have, then I will report him to the authorities as a bigamist."
But, sure enough, the man across the street suddenly had an even more beautiful woman clinging to him.
"Genie, you said he would receive twice what I had. What gives?"
"Master, the woman is twice as beautiful as yours."

The archaeologist saw that their reputation for trickery was well deserved. He was determined to outsmart him this third and final time. So he thought and thought and thought. Suddenly it came to him, his third wish. It was perfect! "I have my third wish."
"Careful, Master, this is your final wish. Whatever you receive, he shall get also in double measure."
"I know, I know. What I want for my third wish is this, I want you to double the size of my prick! And then cut my sex drive in half!!"