The French Attraction - 1st time writing!

[Campbell84]

Would love some feedback if anyone could spare the time.

I would like to get started on a second if this is well received.

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-french-attraction (erotic couplings)

Thanks

Campbell84

 

[eyeheartboobs]

Not too bad. I'm a sucker for a good tit fuck, so that helped

I'd read it again.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

campbell, welcome and congrats on a first post.

Yes, you should write a second and many more stories. Yet there are some things you need to address.

This is a fiction site and real-life anecdotes don't usually go down well. There is the device of a fictional real-life character - think Dr. Watson in Sherlock Holmes - but that rarely works.

There is no story behind your coupling, no names, no characters - no interest. There are a million stories about copulation on Lit so you have to meld interesting characters, plot and teasing the readers to want to know the denouement - and enjoy the graphic detail.

A beartrap that many new erotic writers fall into is thinking that the images and emotions that they see in their heads translate into print. Us, the stupid readers, only have what you tell us - and here you fail to give us any reason for getting hot and bothered.

Get some beta readers (friends) to give advice.

 

[starscape]

Congratulations on your first story.

I liked some of the descriptive phrases you used ("smoke saturated air", for one), and I thought your description of Elodie's first orgasm was pretty evocative.

I found a number of the sentences/paragraphs, particularly in the first half of the story, to be a bit awkward. Starting with the third paragraph, when your story actually starts (personally, I'd forgo the whole "this is a true story" intro), I found myself stopping to reread in order to figure out exactly what was going on. It happened often enough that if I hadn't been reading in order to give you feedback, I would've backclicked out of your story.

That said, once the encounter with Elodie starts, I had much less trouble following the narrative, and you do a pretty good job of describing the action. It didn't trip my trigger personally--there wasn't enough build up/sexual tension to go along for the ride--but it was a decent first effort. I recommend hooking up with a volunteer editor or reader; another set of eyes can be really helpful in identifying and reworking passages which don't flow so well.

 

[Campbell84]

Thankyou all for your constructive comments. I'm really impressed by the apparent conscientious and supportive community on this forum.

Your comments ring very true, particularly in regards to the opening. Frankly I began writing on a whim and it shows!
I will have a shot at a second and take as many of your comments onto account as I can. Hopefully the result may appear more considered.

Just out of interest more than anything; what are people's view on writings in the 2nd person? For obvious reasons it is more common in erotic writing than most other genres. I have read some dire examples but others have been surprisingly potent. Is it too gimmicky?

 

[starscape]

Just out of interest more than anything; what are people's view on writings in the 2nd person? For obvious reasons it is more common in erotic writing than most other genres. I have read some dire examples but others have been surprisingly potent. Is it too gimmicky?

I'm not a fan of second person. I think it takes a very skilled writer to maintain the voice--a lot of the "second person" stories I've seen are really a variation on first person--and its use in effective storytelling more limited. From what I've read, a second person narrative works well in letters...and not in a whole lot else (yes, there are some well-written exceptions).

One of the problems I've always had with second person is that it comes across as bossy. "You do this. And then you do that." Oh really? But what's worse is when it tells me I'm doing something, but I don't have the equipment the author's describing (like a fat cock or DD breasts), so it couldn't possibly be me.

Nah, I prefer third and first person for both reading and writing.