"The Fisherman's Shoes..."

[Ancient117331]

Evenin'...

I had a friend stop by
and sit awhile...
and as friends do -
comments came round
'bout where we'd been,
things we'd seen
and some we'd done,
'bout people, places, time.
He made a 'curious' comment -
I made a 'gentle' rhyme...

"The Fisherman's Shoes..."

You'll walk a mile in MY shoes To understand the way
I've learned to listen - Inside - what people say?
Very well... then begin today.

Trembling... wide 'glassy' eyes staring unfocused...
Tear tracks streaking the foundation covering yesterdays
mottled bruises... "OH Godohgodoh...god..." rocking...
Fear's chill fingers softly, lovingly caressing
the racing heart... tightening... squeezing...
Hunching into a smaller shape, perched
'pon the end of the hardbacked chair... rocking...
Knees together... hands clenching and clenching...
Arms touching... trying to hold in pain's flaming embrace.
"MMMmmmyyy...my...mmy fff...fault... mine..."
"shhh...shh...shouldn't...have...didn't...didn't mean..."
Whispers crying in the mind while swollen split lips
quiver - in time.
Her boy peers round the corner once more...
enters the room... kneels on the floor...
reaches hand up and brushes her brow...
moving damp hair... "He's gone now -
Mom... Shhhh... He's gone."

"Well you've moved nearly an 'inch'... no more."
"Hell..., Child - you haven't even left MY door."

Chris Twyford
Ancient117331

 

[daughter]

Basics

Ancient--


I think I get the story. A child comforts his battered mother.

Now for the concerns I have. Is the opening necessary to relay the interaction between the mother and child? Is the closing reference about not having travelled far figuratively?

Ellipsises are often used to suggest pause when technically they are used more to imply omission. There are other ways to express pause such as the dash.

The construction is very awkward for me. It reads like a broken paragraph without a solid intro and the conclusion is an announcement while the message is not clear.

The speaker sounds like a adult reflecting on a past experience. I'm looking for the insight or wisdom gained here. Does comforting a adult when you're a child yield empathy and compassion? I imagine the situation would be frightening for the child. I imagine while he maybe be sensitive, I wonder would the adult child feel resentment and distrust, too.

5)What is the significance of it being "fishermen" shoes?

If this were mine, I'd look for:

a) images that illustrate more than explain.

b) use conventional grammar and mechanics. It's easier to read and comprehend.

c) look for devices and images that would reinforce the message or insight I'd want to impart.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Ancient117331]

Daughter

Daughter,

Hi, please forgive the lateness of my answering your comment.
Being new doesn't excuse rudeness - but it was wholly
unintentional... I wanted to take the time to more fully cover
this poem and its depth of meaning.

1. There are several themes interwoven here. The poem begins
as a meeting of friends. During the convo a statement is made
regarding the ability of one to effectively interact with people and
the 'implied' answer regards - if you want to know me and how
people KNOW I understand - really understand - what they are
describing then you have to walk that proverbial mile in my shoes.

2. My friend readily agreed to try... so the story begins.
The boy doesn't comfort... he wishes he could. Abuse happens
to so many and there are many, many types of abuse... some of
us have managed to survive all the seeming 'bad' luck in the
world. This short moment described was only an inch of the
mile my friend has to walk to be where I am. It was NOT
figurative in the least.

3. The message was not the story... the message was the
smallness of the distance traveled with just that single
happening and the vast gulf that lays between even friends
when based on life experience.

4. The title "The Fisherman's Shoes..." is a private joke. I spent
3 1/2 years in a Roman Catholic Seminary before deciding
celibacy was not for me. Christ made His Apostles "Fishers of
Men" hence a Fisherman was what I wanted to be... and perhaps
am.

5. Have you ever been so scared - for real - you couldn't talk?
Hurt so bad all you can do is rock back and forth and mewl like
an animal? If you have or have personally seen either - then you
KNOW exactly the image I described; if you haven't then god
blessed you - cause so many others have felt and/or seen.

I want my work to be thought provoking and jarring and
out-of-the-norm. I write everything to multiple levels of
content - often paralleled instead or serialed (as most poets
write). There is hidden within the words, between the lines,
and across the stanzas many things - emotion, thought,
perceptions, and more. When mine is read aloud - with feeling -
most begin to see more than they thought was there... and they
are right. If the reader changes the timing and emphasis other
things may appear as well.

I write because I can.

.........................................

Music, warmth, friends,
Family, food, home...
All the things
We so long for...
Belonging... sharing...
Tis the season...

"Alms... A Perspective..."

Have you felt the 'soul' of a three year old weep?
Been so bone chilling COLD? Been afraid to sleep
for the sounds rustling near your head in the dark
were not always 'gentle' and sometimes left marks?
Been truly hungry for days on end?
Watched your mother cry for 'no reason'... again?

Worn hand-me-downs given without a trace
of kindness from relatives with unsmiling face?
Seen reflection's grin from trouser's seat?
"Iron-Ons" gleam before they were 'neat'?
Walk miles (cause there was no other way)?
Have to 'borrow' dinner's bread for today?

Attend school by a parish' selfish grace,
for you're of the 'poor' they need to embrace...
and lest you forget their pity's refrain
they MUST tell the child again and again -
(but why is this 'goodness' always within...
the hearing of the other children?).

Have you sat by a window whole summers long
dreaming of 'friends' and playing along?
Or wished on a streetlamp
'cause there was no star?
Played with clothespin 'soldiers',
made houses of cards?

Found third hand "treasures"
in dark, sour stores...
But it didn't matter... anyway
they couldn't be yours.

Have you seen a father worn so far down
his eyes would seldom leave the ground?
The lack of hope in a child's lost eyes...
the grave's chill future realized?
All these and so many, many more
are some the "Alms" received by the 'poor'.

Chris Twyford
Ancient117331

 

[daughter]

Explanation

Chris--

If a work requires this much explanation to be understood, it might be that somethings can be strengthened in the text.


Private jokes are private. How then would a reader make that connection? There are some who would have made the religious connection and a title that require somes contemplation is valid. However, something that by its nature is exclusionary defeats a fundamental premise of writing: to make a connection with the reader.

I'm all for complex. Convulted, poorly developed however is not complex.

Your poem is not complex. It shows a poor command of poetry device and construction. Everyone can form sentences that does not mean we all are writers in the creative sense.

Lastly, good writers are good in part because they are committed to honing their craft. This draft is rough. I didn't say chuck it. My argument is that it needs work.

Peace,

daughter