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The first part of my first series. Putting it out there (gulp) šŸ’‹

It's something of a pet peeve, but I really don't like stories that have a very short intro and then abruptly dive back in time. For this device to work, that intro really needs to excite the reader's interest. When I'm writing, I often alternate passages between story-now and story-in-the-past, and I generally avoid explicit sign posts like "8 days earlier".

ETA:
There's a few minor grammar issues, so getting a beta reader is probably worth it.

Just musing on this:
The words were imprinted in my subconscious. Unbeknownst to me, my journey had begun.
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The 'unbeknownst' is a little distracting, I feel, and it might work better if kept simple:
The words were imprinted in my soul. My journey had begun.
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lol - I like that 'Mom' is now a day of the week. That needs an incest spin-off series.

The situation once again hit me. ... Kelly Collins was was becoming a whore. Well Tiffany was, I thought.
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Using 'I thought' like this in first person narratives can be a little redundant.
The situation once again hit me. ... Kelly Collins was becoming a whore.
Well, Tiffany was.
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But it works here:
Remember Wynā€™s advice I thought to myself.
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perhaps because it removes an ambiguity, or because the thought is more explicit.

Really enjoying reading something that reads so British.
ā€œOi Kelly. Iā€™ve said yes to a chap called Simon for Monday at 1pm, hope thatā€™s ok. Heā€™s a bit dom, but just wants 3-hole sex for an hour, you good with that hun?ā€
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Genuine lol :)
 
Last edited:
AlinaX said:
It's something of a pet peeve, but I really don't like stories that have a very short intro and then abruptly dive back in time. For this device to work, that intro really needs to excite the reader's interest. When I'm writing, I often alternate passages between story-now and story-in-the-past, and I generally avoid explicit sign posts like "8 days earlier".
Click to expand...
thanks for the feedback
 
It's just a note, don't take it the wrong way. What I *really* hate is when authors have a short intro that's basically five lines of OTT sex without start or finish, and suddenly say, "But, wait, let me first tell you how I came to be fucking this gorgeous piece of ass," or words to that effect.

It comes across as a cheap and blatant trick to snag the reader's interest.
 
I am a fan of your works having read your ā€˜piercedā€™ series last week. Thank you for giving me a little of your time.
 
Okay, so I read the story, and I think it was a decent start.

I also think I have a few helpful pointers.

First off, I think the NC/R category isn't a perfect fit for this story. The sex presented was clear consensual, so I guess that makes it Reluctance? But for me, Reluctance requires a bit more internal struggle. The clear, intense focus on mental turmoil is what makes Reluctance stories leap off the page for me. (Here is a an example of how I personally write Reluctance)

Erotic Coupling might be a more appropriate category for your tale, but I would definitely stay away from Loving Wives, in spite of the hotwife angle (more on that momentarily).

Also, the grammar stuff is a little bit of an issue. I'd suggest using an advanced grammar checker like ProWritingAid's free version. [Although, you should avoid using its Sentence Rewrite feature, because people have been getting false flagged as AI quite a bit recently]

Also, (and this is a personal idea) I feel like it would have benefitted the story if you had formatted her "Profile" section in a manner different than the rest of the text. Bold, Italics, or both would have made that section pop, imo. Like this:

83 mins of starting, stopping, checking, rechecking and cursing later. It was complete.
ā€¦
Submissive, curvy, innocent looking, educated and filthy. Limited availability but worth it, I assure you x

Mom, Weds, Thurs and Friday 12-2pm. Incalls only

New here. The one few suspect. Short and cutesy but filthy, submissive and very naughty. I enjoy older men and genuinely dominant men, of all shapes and sizes. Iā€™m a woman who can provide the girlfriend experience, or be used and played with.

If you like your girls genuinely submissive, big-chested (34G) and filthy. Then Iā€™m your lady, slut, degradee, baby girl or whatever you need me to be šŸ’‹

I do everything I say on my profile, and there are no hidden extras.
Click to expand...
Do you see how it separates the text above from her profile? Just a preference, but it adds a lot imo

Lastly, this story is clearly an extramarital excursion, but there is nothing about that in the Tags. Some people (myself included) find that to be a big turn off, and so warning them aways is always advisable imo. In addition, people looking for that will be drawn to it. Win-win.

In that same vein, it might seem like I'm encouraging you to post this story in Loving Wives category (LW), but DON'T do that. LW is a mad-land where stories struggle to break 3 stars. It's rather infamous for being a harsh place for authors (especially new ones).

I hope this info was helpful.
 
MediocreAuthor said:
Okay, so I read the story, and I think it was a decent start.

I also think I have a few helpful pointers.

First off, I think the NC/R category isn't a perfect fit for this story. The sex presented was clear consensual, so I guess that makes it Reluctance? But for me, Reluctance requires a bit more internal struggle. The clear, intense focus on mental turmoil is what makes Reluctance stories leap off the page for me. (Here is a an example of how I personally write Reluctance)

Erotic Coupling might be a more appropriate category for your tale, but I would definitely stay away from Loving Wives, in spite of the hotwife angle (more on that momentarily).

Also, the grammar stuff is a little bit of an issue. I'd suggest using an advanced grammar checker like ProWritingAid's free version. [Although, you should avoid using its Sentence Rewrite feature, because people have been getting false flagged as AI quite a bit recently]

Also, (and this is a personal idea) I feel like it would have benefitted the story if you had formatted her "Profile" section in a manner different than the rest of the text. Bold, Italics, or both would have made that section pop, imo. Like this:


Do you see how it separates the text above from her profile? Just a preference, but it adds a lot imo

Lastly, this story is clearly an extramarital excursion, but there is nothing about that in the Tags. Some people (myself included) find that to be a big turn off, and so warning them aways is always advisable imo. In addition, people looking for that will be drawn to it. Win-win.

In that same vein, it might seem like I'm encouraging you to post this story in Loving Wives category (LW), but DON'T do that. LW is a mad-land where stories struggle to break 3 stars. It's rather infamous for being a harsh place for authors (especially new ones).

I hope this info was helpful.
Click to expand...
Your advice is graciously welcomed. Thank you. I will try to make improvements and will seek support Iā€™ve been offered re editing before I submit. I was not great at school so my grammar is admittedly not perfect
 
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