The fantasy of sexual abandon and the reality of sexual guilt

[MrQuiet314]

The essentials of the fantasy are always the same. I’m in a sexual situation with a willing partner who wants to explore anything and everything. We go crazy on each other. Drunk on pleasure. No judgement. No shame. Just exploration, and sensation. For once, I don’t think about what I must look like or sound like. I don’t think about what I should or shouldn’t say or do. My mind takes a nap and my body does the driving for once. We experience a true sexual connection with nothing withheld, our desires finally sated.

Then I wake up and come back to the reality that I am scared of opening up that side of myself to my wife. Scared I will say something or do something which will give her the ick, or even worse…make her think less of me. I have always struggled to integrate my sexual persona with the other parts of me. Now before someone asks, I’m not talking about anything that is illegal, immoral, cruel or off the reservation. These are normal sexual activities which many other people here at lit enjoy. But I simply cannot seem to let go. I feel guilt, not over what we are doing but over what I think about, and what i’d like to do. and say. and experience.

How I envy those who can put their self-doubt aside and just fucking get it on. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with their sexual desires. Have you successfully shared your hidden desires with your partner? Did your relationship suffer as a result? Or suffer because you didn’t share? Have you experienced a moment of sexual transcendence where everything balanced, or is that just a fantasy too?

 

[neon_noodle]

So a couple of themes to discuss.

Do you want to act any of your fantasies out, or just think about some different types of sex while you're with your wife?

If it's act out, then it's all going to be a longer road. But if it's just talking and thinking about them, you can start by asking your wife what turns her on. What were her first sexual thoughts, and what made her hot and wet?

Getting her to open up, if she will, will then make it super easy to for you talk about your fantasies. Now she may not really have any - not everyone thinks all sorts of sexual combinations and situations. If she truly doesn't have any or if they're simple like "in a hotel room with you", then it's going to be more difficult, but you can still try to ease into what turns you on that you haven't done.

 

[filthytrancendence]

Have you experienced a moment of sexual transcendence where everything balanced, or is that just a fantasy too?

Yep. That's the origin of my name on here, as it happens. It is not just a fantasy, but it can take a lot to get there, depending on where you're starting from.

The thing about it is, there's not a simple answer to your root question. Some of the transcendent experiences I've had were life altering in ways that have not always been fun. I don't regret any of it, but it's not for the faint of heart.

Here's my outlook from somewhere on the other side of that artificial divide:

The distinction you're drawing between your sexual self and your 'real' self is unnecessary, artificial, and harms both halves. Your sexuality is a deeply personal reflection of you as a human being. If somebody thinks less of you for that, it's no different than if someone thinks less of you because you're too short or your laugh is too loud. Everybody has preferences. Other people's preferences are not value judgments in your direction, regardless of whether those judgements are positive or negative. This is true regardless of how close the other person is to you, it just gets harder to handle the closer they get.

I am not saying anybody should be overtly sexual at all times. I am saying that if you truly cannot be your authentic self with your sexual partner(s), that's a huge problem. But it's on you to figure out the source of that problem. Is it your insecurity? That's a pretty easy fix if you have the courage. Is your partner deep down a selfish asshole in a way that you're terrified to admit to yourself so you're just internalizing it? That's a much harder fix. Is it some other thing I have no frame of reference for because everybody's a distinct individual? Very likely. And obviously I have no insight into that.

I have a half-cocked pet theory about sexuality and aging. There's roughly two paths a person can take. If you're secretive and repressed, the older you get, the more deeply ingrained your hyper-specific sexual preferences become. Weather it's because you never truly experience those fantasies, or because the few times you do are the only times you feel deep sexual satisfaction, they just get deeper and more focused. And your sexuality narrows to the point that it ends up excluding your own ability to enjoy sex most of the time, unless you are very rich or privileged in some other way.

On the other hand, if you open and brave, you will find that the range of sexuality you have the capacity to authentically enjoy broadens as well. You will surprise yourself with new things that were never arousing before. You will find yourself attracted to people that your younger self would have written off.

Obviously that's not scientific or anything. But it's been true for me over the course of my life, and I've seen many things that lead me to believe it is true for other people as well. But the distinction between the two is at a very high level. Are you willing to be open with others about your sexuality, even when they might not get it? Or are you going to close it down tight and only ever share it with someone you are all but certain will definitely accept it? And are you willing to make life decisions based on how people react to your authentic self? Or do you want the comfort of a life where you don't really ever have to show your authentic self?

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

The essentials of the fantasy are always the same. I’m in a sexual situation with a willing partner who wants to explore anything and everything. We go crazy on each other. Drunk on pleasure. No judgement. No shame. Just exploration, and sensation. For once, I don’t think about what I must look like or sound like. I don’t think about what I should or shouldn’t say or do. My mind takes a nap and my body does the driving for once. We experience a true sexual connection with nothing withheld, our desires finally sated.

Then I wake up and come back to the reality that I am scared of opening up that side of myself to my wife. Scared I will say something or do something which will give her the ick, or even worse…make her think less of me. I have always struggled to integrate my sexual persona with the other parts of me. Now before someone asks, I’m not talking about anything that is illegal, immoral, cruel or off the reservation. These are normal sexual activities which many other people here at lit enjoy. But I simply cannot seem to let go. I feel guilt, not over what we are doing but over what I think about, and what i’d like to do. and say. and experience.

How I envy those who can put their self-doubt aside and just fucking get it on. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with their sexual desires. Have you successfully shared your hidden desires with your partner? Did your relationship suffer as a result? Or suffer because you didn’t share? Have you experienced a moment of sexual transcendence where everything balanced, or is that just a fantasy too?

Guilt is worthless but hard to get rid of it if you’re trained in it. Accept yourself and learn to love who you are! You sound like a good man. Cheers

 

[TheVegasMark]

The essentials of the fantasy are always the same. I’m in a sexual situation with a willing partner who wants to explore anything and everything. We go crazy on each other. Drunk on pleasure. No judgement. No shame. Just exploration, and sensation. For once, I don’t think about what I must look like or sound like. I don’t think about what I should or shouldn’t say or do. My mind takes a nap and my body does the driving for once. We experience a true sexual connection with nothing withheld, our desires finally sated.

Then I wake up and come back to the reality that I am scared of opening up that side of myself to my wife. Scared I will say something or do something which will give her the ick, or even worse…make her think less of me. I have always struggled to integrate my sexual persona with the other parts of me. Now before someone asks, I’m not talking about anything that is illegal, immoral, cruel or off the reservation. These are normal sexual activities which many other people here at lit enjoy. But I simply cannot seem to let go. I feel guilt, not over what we are doing but over what I think about, and what i’d like to do. and say. and experience.

How I envy those who can put their self-doubt aside and just fucking get it on. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with their sexual desires. Have you successfully shared your hidden desires with your partner? Did your relationship suffer as a result? Or suffer because you didn’t share? Have you experienced a moment of sexual transcendence where everything balanced, or is that just a fantasy too?

Uninhibited no holds barred sexual playmates have only showed up in my life a few times...Wish society would let us just ask...Are you an uninhibited lover...??...Would you like to get naked and play...??

 

[MrQuiet314]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and comments. I was in a completely sexless marriage (no activity of any kind) for 16 years….I didn’t cheat but it did drive my sexual thoughts and feelings inward and now that I’m happily with someone else, I find it hard to reclaim what I spent so many years supressing…which is why I’m here. To try and get back in touch with my own sexuality and interact a bit with people exploring theirs.

 

[Erosfan]

The essentials of the fantasy are always the same. I’m in a sexual situation with a willing partner who wants to explore anything and everything. We go crazy on each other. Drunk on pleasure. No judgement. No shame. Just exploration, and sensation. For once, I don’t think about what I must look like or sound like. I don’t think about what I should or shouldn’t say or do. My mind takes a nap and my body does the driving for once. We experience a true sexual connection with nothing withheld, our desires finally sated.

Then I wake up and come back to the reality that I am scared of opening up that side of myself to my wife. Scared I will say something or do something which will give her the ick, or even worse…make her think less of me. I have always struggled to integrate my sexual persona with the other parts of me. Now before someone asks, I’m not talking about anything that is illegal, immoral, cruel or off the reservation. These are normal sexual activities which many other people here at lit enjoy. But I simply cannot seem to let go. I feel guilt, not over what we are doing but over what I think about, and what i’d like to do. and say. and experience.

How I envy those who can put their self-doubt aside and just fucking get it on. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with their sexual desires. Have you successfully shared your hidden desires with your partner? Did your relationship suffer as a result? Or suffer because you didn’t share? Have you experienced a moment of sexual transcendence where everything balanced, or is that just a fantasy too?

My first marriage was one where talking about sexual desires and kinks was an absolute no go. My wife did not like sex, so even as newly weds, twice a month was more the norm. We couldn't talk about it without getting in a fight.
After that ended, I discovered that women really enjoy sex, and many were open to talking and having fun.
I found a woman that was amazing in all things sex, and we got married. We talked, we played, we planned, and we explored! She made many of my fantasies cum true, and since we had discussed them at length, they were better than the fantasies. Really wonderful memories, and proof that you can find that if you don't give up.

 

[Liberia]

Hi!

I wanted to reach out to you for a couple of reasons, one of them that I had the uncommon experience for an European to being forst to go two years to bible school with evangelical nutters and which I deeply hated and resented, so the part of your religious guilt resonated with me and also I am an expert in a different kind of guilt, feminist guilt.

I'll split my answer in parts, Part I concerning religion:

Part I - Religion

I do not know how you're indoctrination was, but I remember that in our bible school they taught us that the flesh is ultimately evil, that masturbating is a sin, that lustful thoughts (tell that to a teenager, lol) are already a huge sin, they tried to installed a deep fear of hell into us and of course women aren't allowed to preach, have to obey their husbands and lgbtq+ people, well, you know the drill. At first I tried to follow that bogus and failed the masturbation part of course and felt so miserable and guilty all the time, I remember crying and trying to overcome my sinful flesh. I failed and failed again and felt miserable. At some point the hypercrisy concerning gay and women rights became too much for me to bare and I started an active rebellion. I seduced the daughter of the minister at the bible camp on the weekend, read the whole bible a few times to debate the contradictions in class, read philosophy, wore only black short miniskirts with broken pantyhose, aggressive lipsticks and death skull jewellery, when we had to sleepover in church I put make-up on the boys faces and got them to go out at midnight and howl to the moon, on Halloween I threw eggs at the church and all the weekend bible camps I used for my hot steamy affair with the minister's daughter, I also got all of the class to sneak out in the middle of the night into the forest to play truth and dare. When we all had to bring something to church that was very special and touching, I brought a 1000 page book about terrorism and explained that the radicalisation of the student movement was very important to me, afterwards the minister called my father and wanted him to discipline me, which my father thankfully did not do.

All those reactions were super driven by passion and puberty, but the important part is that I embraced myself and fought back, active back and freed myself of any religious nutter influence. I found out about myself in that process that I like being bold and like girls too.

If you are still religious: Christianity does not have to be like this. Listen to Martin Luther King's speeches, Paul Robeson's songs, the Staple family and read Salomon's song of love, it is super sensual, so sensual that the church claimed it was only metaphorical for the love between god and his people.

I'll cite some for you, sensuality and sexuality can and should be part of life, you are a whole person, a material being and you deserve body AND soul:
Your lips drip nectar, my bride;
honey and milk are under your tongue;
the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.
A garden locked is my sister, my bride,
a spring locked, a fountain sealed.
Your shoots are an orchard of pomegranates
with all choicest fruits,
henna with nard,
nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon,
with all trees of frankincense,
myrrh and aloes,
with all choice spices—
a garden fountain, a well of living water,
and flowing streams from Lebanon.
Awake, O north wind,
and come, O south wind!
Blow upon my garden,
let its spices flow.

Together in the Garden of Love​

She​

Let my beloved come to his garden,
and eat its choicest fruits.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Song of Solomon 4&version=ESV

 

[Liberia]

The essentials of the fantasy are always the same. I’m in a sexual situation with a willing partner who wants to explore anything and everything. We go crazy on each other. Drunk on pleasure. No judgement. No shame. Just exploration, and sensation. For once, I don’t think about what I must look like or sound like. I don’t think about what I should or shouldn’t say or do. My mind takes a nap and my body does the driving for once. We experience a true sexual connection with nothing withheld, our desires finally sated.

Then I wake up and come back to the reality that I am scared of opening up that side of myself to my wife. Scared I will say something or do something which will give her the ick, or even worse…make her think less of me. I have always struggled to integrate my sexual persona with the other parts of me. Now before someone asks, I’m not talking about anything that is illegal, immoral, cruel or off the reservation. These are normal sexual activities which many other people here at lit enjoy. But I simply cannot seem to let go. I feel guilt, not over what we are doing but over what I think about, and what i’d like to do. and say. and experience.

How I envy those who can put their self-doubt aside and just fucking get it on. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with their sexual desires. Have you successfully shared your hidden desires with your partner? Did your relationship suffer as a result? Or suffer because you didn’t share? Have you experienced a moment of sexual transcendence where everything balanced, or is that just a fantasy too?

Part II - Thoughtcrimes

What helped me immensely was reading dystopian fiction like George Orwell or memoirs of people surviving the stalinist purges. There are no thoughtcrimes, you are free to think whatever you want to think, feel, long for, desire. The first step to get past the shame could be owning up to yourself and treating yourself just as kind as you would a good friend who confides into you. You are no criminal, there are no thoughtcrimes.

If you can, write down some of your fantasies, for yourself to read and come to terms with. You do not need to show it to anyone, but you should be honest with yourself. Be kind to yourself. I do not know you of course, but I always noticed that I am so much more kind towards others than to myself. So, I now try to treat myself like I would a good friend, who came to me.

You have done nothing wrong. You do not need to act upon any of your desires, wants, urges, longings and wishes but they are just part of what you are, they can change and they do not make you less or guilty. Only forcing ourselves on others would be a crime, but there are no thoughtcrimes. My father raised me with the sentence: "You can always look, but you can't touch." and this very wise dad-advice.

Even if your wife would not like your sexual fantasies, you would have not done anything wrong. Nothing that you think, dream of, desire makes you guilty. Exactly this was the stalinist logic, it is the old catholic confession logic and the protestant's make it even worse, because you can no longer confess, but have to deal with your guilt and sinfulness.

 

[Liberia]

How I envy those who can put their self-doubt aside and just fucking get it on. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with their sexual desires. Have you successfully shared your hidden desires with your partner? Did your relationship suffer as a result? Or suffer because you didn’t share? Have you experienced a moment of sexual transcendence where everything balanced, or is that just a fantasy too?

How I envy those who can put their self-doubt aside and just fucking get it on. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with their sexual desires. Have you successfully shared your hidden desires with your partner? Did your relationship suffer as a result? Or suffer because you didn’t share? Have you experienced a moment of sexual transcendence where everything balanced, or is that just a fantasy too?

One of the best and worst experiences I had started with me showing someone a few things I had written and overcoming my fear. I was not hitting on him, we were just sharing stuff and I was not completely sober, so I did and he absolutely craved it and within minutes I had the hottest affair ever, it lasted a few weeks or perhaps months and the sex was incredible, spiritual, a transcendence where I felt that I could let go for the first time in my life ever. But the problem was that he thought he could control me, my life, for an example force me to eat food I did not want to, buy certain produce and act as if my home was owned by him, following me in my office and disturbing me when studying, trying to "mansplain" to me my own topic, because he was insecure.

So, I had to ditch him, which was also not that easy, I actually had to get three of my male friends involved, imagine my shame, my horror to need them to be left alone! To even involve them in my private life, my personal life. So, I had deep regret afterwards, deep regret that I had shared that part of me, that it made me seem less and encouraged assholes and I felt like my feminist-guilt was deserved and I had done something wrong. The guy apologized later and told me that it was indeed insecurity and that he felt inadequate and was afraid to lose me or not being able to keep me, I accepted the apology and was thankful for that.

So, after this I had the view that I was allowed to like everything in my head, but should never ever act upon that, because the danger was too great, because I did not want to attract that kind of man and because it seemed to contradict fundamental with my other values.
We are so afraid when it comes to our own sexuality, we fear to be judged, despised and become like little kids again, who fear the laughter of others.

It took me some time to recover from the experience, which also never really left me, because the sex was so phenomenal, spiritual, truly groundbreaking for me that I could never just forget it.

I moved on with life, tried to have only great friendships for a while and avoided exposure.

Later on, when I felt better I was brave and told a partner about my likings and he reacted pretty open and then confessed that he had secretly longed for something of the same nature, but never even researched it, because he was so ashamed - feminist guilt again - and thought that he had no right to wish for what he did, that he was completely wrong and no woman ever would agree to engage in something like that.
In the end we had lovely experiences together, he used to drum and I encouraged him to hold the rythm of the jazz songs we played. Sadly, he could never let go of his shame, guilt and insecurity although I encouraged him to talk with me about his likings, desires, fantasies, to research sex, read, write and tell me and that I was open, so it was never a full passionate meeting of letting go and I feel sorry for him, because he suffered for it, but it was still okay in the end.
I could tell him. He did not judge me.

With another partner I did not need to tell but he could see from my body's reaction and he was not as kinky as I was, but reacted super supportive and friendly, he more or less told me that he did not need to tie me up to give me a good time and he was right. So, no judgement there either.

I do not know how religious your wife is and how repressed, but have you considered couples therapy?

I hope any of this experiences help you in any way and you can always message me if you want to have somebody listening in a non-judgy way. I had the great fortune that I met some people here who just listened to me and helped me greatly with that, so I would be thrilled to give something back.

Kind regards
L.