The fantasy of sexual abandon and the reality of sexual guilt

[MrQuiet314]

The essentials of the fantasy are always the same. I’m in a sexual situation with a willing partner who wants to explore anything and everything. We go crazy on each other. Drunk on pleasure. No judgement. No shame. Just exploration, and sensation. For once, I don’t think about what I must look like or sound like. I don’t think about what I should or shouldn’t say or do. My mind takes a nap and my body does the driving for once. We experience a true sexual connection with nothing withheld, our desires finally sated.

Then I wake up and come back to the reality that I am scared of opening up that side of myself to my wife. Scared I will say something or do something which will give her the ick, or even worse…make her think less of me. I have always struggled to integrate my sexual persona with the other parts of me. Now before someone asks, I’m not talking about anything that is illegal, immoral, cruel or off the reservation. These are normal sexual activities which many other people here at lit enjoy. But I simply cannot seem to let go. I feel guilt, not over what we are doing but over what I think about, and what i’d like to do. and say. and experience.

How I envy those who can put their self-doubt aside and just fucking get it on. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with their sexual desires. Have you successfully shared your hidden desires with your partner? Did your relationship suffer as a result? Or suffer because you didn’t share? Have you experienced a moment of sexual transcendence where everything balanced, or is that just a fantasy too?

 

[neon_noodle]

So a couple of themes to discuss.

Do you want to act any of your fantasies out, or just think about some different types of sex while you're with your wife?

If it's act out, then it's all going to be a longer road. But if it's just talking and thinking about them, you can start by asking your wife what turns her on. What were her first sexual thoughts, and what made her hot and wet?

Getting her to open up, if she will, will then make it super easy to for you talk about your fantasies. Now she may not really have any - not everyone thinks all sorts of sexual combinations and situations. If she truly doesn't have any or if they're simple like "in a hotel room with you", then it's going to be more difficult, but you can still try to ease into what turns you on that you haven't done.

 

[filthytrancendence]

Have you experienced a moment of sexual transcendence where everything balanced, or is that just a fantasy too?

Yep. That's the origin of my name on here, as it happens. It is not just a fantasy, but it can take a lot to get there, depending on where you're starting from.

The thing about it is, there's not a simple answer to your root question. Some of the transcendent experiences I've had were life altering in ways that have not always been fun. I don't regret any of it, but it's not for the faint of heart.

Here's my outlook from somewhere on the other side of that artificial divide:

The distinction you're drawing between your sexual self and your 'real' self is unnecessary, artificial, and harms both halves. Your sexuality is a deeply personal reflection of you as a human being. If somebody thinks less of you for that, it's no different than if someone thinks less of you because you're too short or your laugh is too loud. Everybody has preferences. Other people's preferences are not value judgments in your direction, regardless of whether those judgements are positive or negative. This is true regardless of how close the other person is to you, it just gets harder to handle the closer they get.

I am not saying anybody should be overtly sexual at all times. I am saying that if you truly cannot be your authentic self with your sexual partner(s), that's a huge problem. But it's on you to figure out the source of that problem. Is it your insecurity? That's a pretty easy fix if you have the courage. Is your partner deep down a selfish asshole in a way that you're terrified to admit to yourself so you're just internalizing it? That's a much harder fix. Is it some other thing I have no frame of reference for because everybody's a distinct individual? Very likely. And obviously I have no insight into that.

I have a half-cocked pet theory about sexuality and aging. There's roughly two paths a person can take. If you're secretive and repressed, the older you get, the more deeply ingrained your hyper-specific sexual preferences become. Weather it's because you never truly experience those fantasies, or because the few times you do are the only times you feel deep sexual satisfaction, they just get deeper and more focused. And your sexuality narrows to the point that it ends up excluding your own ability to enjoy sex most of the time, unless you are very rich or privileged in some other way.

On the other hand, if you open and brave, you will find that the range of sexuality you have the capacity to authentically enjoy broadens as well. You will surprise yourself with new things that were never arousing before. You will find yourself attracted to people that your younger self would have written off.

Obviously that's not scientific or anything. But it's been true for me over the course of my life, and I've seen many things that lead me to believe it is true for other people as well. But the distinction between the two is at a very high level. Are you willing to be open with others about your sexuality, even when they might not get it? Or are you going to close it down tight and only ever share it with someone you are all but certain will definitely accept it? And are you willing to make life decisions based on how people react to your authentic self? Or do you want the comfort of a life where you don't really ever have to show your authentic self?

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

The essentials of the fantasy are always the same. I’m in a sexual situation with a willing partner who wants to explore anything and everything. We go crazy on each other. Drunk on pleasure. No judgement. No shame. Just exploration, and sensation. For once, I don’t think about what I must look like or sound like. I don’t think about what I should or shouldn’t say or do. My mind takes a nap and my body does the driving for once. We experience a true sexual connection with nothing withheld, our desires finally sated.

Then I wake up and come back to the reality that I am scared of opening up that side of myself to my wife. Scared I will say something or do something which will give her the ick, or even worse…make her think less of me. I have always struggled to integrate my sexual persona with the other parts of me. Now before someone asks, I’m not talking about anything that is illegal, immoral, cruel or off the reservation. These are normal sexual activities which many other people here at lit enjoy. But I simply cannot seem to let go. I feel guilt, not over what we are doing but over what I think about, and what i’d like to do. and say. and experience.

How I envy those who can put their self-doubt aside and just fucking get it on. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with their sexual desires. Have you successfully shared your hidden desires with your partner? Did your relationship suffer as a result? Or suffer because you didn’t share? Have you experienced a moment of sexual transcendence where everything balanced, or is that just a fantasy too?

Guilt is worthless but hard to get rid of it if you’re trained in it. Accept yourself and learn to love who you are! You sound like a good man. Cheers

 

[TheVegasMark]

The essentials of the fantasy are always the same. I’m in a sexual situation with a willing partner who wants to explore anything and everything. We go crazy on each other. Drunk on pleasure. No judgement. No shame. Just exploration, and sensation. For once, I don’t think about what I must look like or sound like. I don’t think about what I should or shouldn’t say or do. My mind takes a nap and my body does the driving for once. We experience a true sexual connection with nothing withheld, our desires finally sated.

Then I wake up and come back to the reality that I am scared of opening up that side of myself to my wife. Scared I will say something or do something which will give her the ick, or even worse…make her think less of me. I have always struggled to integrate my sexual persona with the other parts of me. Now before someone asks, I’m not talking about anything that is illegal, immoral, cruel or off the reservation. These are normal sexual activities which many other people here at lit enjoy. But I simply cannot seem to let go. I feel guilt, not over what we are doing but over what I think about, and what i’d like to do. and say. and experience.

How I envy those who can put their self-doubt aside and just fucking get it on. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with their sexual desires. Have you successfully shared your hidden desires with your partner? Did your relationship suffer as a result? Or suffer because you didn’t share? Have you experienced a moment of sexual transcendence where everything balanced, or is that just a fantasy too?

Uninhibited no holds barred sexual playmates have only showed up in my life a few times...Wish society would let us just ask...Are you an uninhibited lover...??...Would you like to get naked and play...??

 

[MrQuiet314]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and comments. I was in a completely sexless marriage (no activity of any kind) for 16 years….I didn’t cheat but it did drive my sexual thoughts and feelings inward and now that I’m happily with someone else, I find it hard to reclaim what I spent so many years supressing…which is why I’m here. To try and get back in touch with my own sexuality and interact a bit with people exploring theirs.