BiaTcHiNFiRe
lost in my thoughts
- Joined
- May 30, 2006
- Posts
- 6,790
I am going thro a bit difficult time right now. Those who read the "Dear X" thread knows I went thro some probs with my exhusband lately. To make it short-its over now. One day my man just went to buy some food and never came back.
I saw him today, after a week or so. He went buy a food and found himself another woman while it... I don't get it, but nvm. Once I found out he's with another woman again I moved outta his flat. I had no place to go, but I couldn't stay there no more. I didnt know what to do. I didnt know where to go or who ask for help. I was thinking about suecide as well when I found out I have no where to go. I have never felt so helpless. I went to my mum and she was so nice she took me back to her flat. We living in one room now and I am thankful for that, I could have end on the street. I cannot afort to pay for a flat all alone, my income aint that big yet. I am so thankful to my mum for taking me back. I couldnt imagine I might have to beg my cheating man to let me stay there. I just couldnt do that and I left his flat knowing I have no where to go. I left in hope I might get some help and I am glad I did.
I went thro this so many times before with this man, but I was still naive enough to think we will be okay this time when he came to me and said he want me back. I still loved him, so take him back was quite easy for me. Now I wish I never did it. I am good in making wrong decisions over and over again and I must say my ex husband is the bigest mistake of my life. I should have forget about him right the day when he left me and divorced with me 6 years ago.
For some stupid reason I was waiting for him to come back, but I am cured now. I pay for the wrong decisions I have made and for trusting peeps who cannot be trusted. I won't surely do that never again. I used to think that people do deserve new chance's and I was more than willing to give them, but from now on I will think very well who deserve the chance and who does not.
He left me 3 times when I was expecting our first child and now when I am expecting our second child he did it again. I should have knows he will do it again *sigh*. Now when I talk with my family and my friends it seems like everybody knew this will happen. Everybody except me, oh well. Peeps was telling me, but I didn't want to hear it and see it yes. I was protecting him, now I pay for it.
He left me for woman he knows just from the day when I saw him for the last time, so he knows her about a week. We was together for 15 years. I dont get this... I don't understand how can someone throw away all those years, his kid and the unborn as well if I don't count myself. I spent lots of nights thinking and crying "WHY" is this happening to me again and I dunno. I dunno where I went wrong and my man never bothered tell me what he missed that he felt the need find himself someone else.
He said it just happened and he asked me to forgive him. But I cant forgive him this. I have forgive him the very same thing so many times before that I no longer have the strenght to be "that good" and act like fukin nuthing happened. I just can't. After those 15 years I finaly told him I am done with him once forever and that I am not available for him anymore. I had to do this cuz of myself, cuz of my lil girl and cuz of the unborn whom I am not willing to misscarry cuz of the stress he drags me thro.
I spoke with my Master and with one person whos opinion I respect and I had to think whats really important for me in life. When I find out he cheating me again I spent lots of time feeling quilty for something he should feel quilty for. He's having fun and I am broken once again. And its just my own fault.
I find it really hard to see him and talk to him now. The pain still digging deep within me when I see him and I cannot stop myself from crying when we meet now. I hate it cuz I dont wanna make him feel sorry for me. I dont need his sorrow I needed his love. I wanted his comitment, but guess thats a word he dunno at all. I was thinking what I am gonna miss about him and I dunno, but it still hurts. We had nice time together and I will never forget about it. We have one child together and in 4 months we will have another and I dont regret it at all. I am glad I am expecting his kid cuz I loved him, some way I still do, but he wont hear it from me anymore.
When he left me I felt like part of me have just died cuz I knew this time its forever. I wont ever more feel him near me and God help me cuz I still wanna hug him when I see him, so I really prefer not to see him at all now. I will change my phone number and I told him I dont wanna see him anymore. He can see our girl anytime if shes intrested, but for me he have just died. I will kill all I feel for him and he wont get no mercy from me just as I didnt get any from him.
I might not be the perfect parter, but I did my best to keep our family together. I did my best to keep him happy, but I must face the fact I am not enough to keep him happy. He came here telling me he have found himself nice sexy woman. I am no princess, but I still think looks not what matters in life and one day my man will find out, but it will be too late then.
I was thinking about this as about the end, but actualy its a new begining. I am far from being perfect, but I still like to think I deserve something more than this. My man left me without telling me why, he didnt even bother to explain me anything. It showed me how less I meant to him when I wasnt even worth of his explanation. I will get over this with time. I live where I feel loved. I live with my lil daughter and we looking forward for the unborn.
I am single mum and things will be hard, but its nuthing I couldnt handle. We'll be fine, with him or without him. My kids are only thing that really matters to me now and they will get as much of love as possible. I went thro time when I was totaly down and broken, but I cannot affort the luxury to stay like this cuz my lil girl needs me. I am still sad now and then, but I'll be fine soon I feel it. When I dont see my man I am getting better.
So however hard this is and however it seems like end of something its also a new begining of something much nicer I hope. My mum told me to find another man, but honestly I am not in the mood for men at all right now. I am all about my kids and I think I will be more than okay just with them. One day I might find myself another man, but it must be nice caring Dom who will treat me with lots of love and respect which I deffo need.
I am on my own and alone again, but I still have so much more than my man does. I have our kids and thats all that matters to me right now. They might not have a daddy, but they will have a good mum. I can be a good mum and good parter too, not my fault my ex cannot see it, oh well. *sigh*
Time to move on and I will. I should have done this long time ago, seems I have to always learn the hard way. I know whats important for me now, its just my kids. My man will be forgoten. I wont waste my love and energy on someone who treats me back like he did. Theres so much more I expect from life. However it was hard I had to realise I wont ever get it with my ex. I have to admit to myself I am not what he needs, same as he's not what I need. I need a good caring Dominant and as long as I wont find one I will be alone.
I saw him today, after a week or so. He went buy a food and found himself another woman while it... I don't get it, but nvm. Once I found out he's with another woman again I moved outta his flat. I had no place to go, but I couldn't stay there no more. I didnt know what to do. I didnt know where to go or who ask for help. I was thinking about suecide as well when I found out I have no where to go. I have never felt so helpless. I went to my mum and she was so nice she took me back to her flat. We living in one room now and I am thankful for that, I could have end on the street. I cannot afort to pay for a flat all alone, my income aint that big yet. I am so thankful to my mum for taking me back. I couldnt imagine I might have to beg my cheating man to let me stay there. I just couldnt do that and I left his flat knowing I have no where to go. I left in hope I might get some help and I am glad I did.
I went thro this so many times before with this man, but I was still naive enough to think we will be okay this time when he came to me and said he want me back. I still loved him, so take him back was quite easy for me. Now I wish I never did it. I am good in making wrong decisions over and over again and I must say my ex husband is the bigest mistake of my life. I should have forget about him right the day when he left me and divorced with me 6 years ago.
For some stupid reason I was waiting for him to come back, but I am cured now. I pay for the wrong decisions I have made and for trusting peeps who cannot be trusted. I won't surely do that never again. I used to think that people do deserve new chance's and I was more than willing to give them, but from now on I will think very well who deserve the chance and who does not.
He left me 3 times when I was expecting our first child and now when I am expecting our second child he did it again. I should have knows he will do it again *sigh*. Now when I talk with my family and my friends it seems like everybody knew this will happen. Everybody except me, oh well. Peeps was telling me, but I didn't want to hear it and see it yes. I was protecting him, now I pay for it.
He left me for woman he knows just from the day when I saw him for the last time, so he knows her about a week. We was together for 15 years. I dont get this... I don't understand how can someone throw away all those years, his kid and the unborn as well if I don't count myself. I spent lots of nights thinking and crying "WHY" is this happening to me again and I dunno. I dunno where I went wrong and my man never bothered tell me what he missed that he felt the need find himself someone else.
He said it just happened and he asked me to forgive him. But I cant forgive him this. I have forgive him the very same thing so many times before that I no longer have the strenght to be "that good" and act like fukin nuthing happened. I just can't. After those 15 years I finaly told him I am done with him once forever and that I am not available for him anymore. I had to do this cuz of myself, cuz of my lil girl and cuz of the unborn whom I am not willing to misscarry cuz of the stress he drags me thro.
I spoke with my Master and with one person whos opinion I respect and I had to think whats really important for me in life. When I find out he cheating me again I spent lots of time feeling quilty for something he should feel quilty for. He's having fun and I am broken once again. And its just my own fault.
I find it really hard to see him and talk to him now. The pain still digging deep within me when I see him and I cannot stop myself from crying when we meet now. I hate it cuz I dont wanna make him feel sorry for me. I dont need his sorrow I needed his love. I wanted his comitment, but guess thats a word he dunno at all. I was thinking what I am gonna miss about him and I dunno, but it still hurts. We had nice time together and I will never forget about it. We have one child together and in 4 months we will have another and I dont regret it at all. I am glad I am expecting his kid cuz I loved him, some way I still do, but he wont hear it from me anymore.
When he left me I felt like part of me have just died cuz I knew this time its forever. I wont ever more feel him near me and God help me cuz I still wanna hug him when I see him, so I really prefer not to see him at all now. I will change my phone number and I told him I dont wanna see him anymore. He can see our girl anytime if shes intrested, but for me he have just died. I will kill all I feel for him and he wont get no mercy from me just as I didnt get any from him.
I might not be the perfect parter, but I did my best to keep our family together. I did my best to keep him happy, but I must face the fact I am not enough to keep him happy. He came here telling me he have found himself nice sexy woman. I am no princess, but I still think looks not what matters in life and one day my man will find out, but it will be too late then.
I was thinking about this as about the end, but actualy its a new begining. I am far from being perfect, but I still like to think I deserve something more than this. My man left me without telling me why, he didnt even bother to explain me anything. It showed me how less I meant to him when I wasnt even worth of his explanation. I will get over this with time. I live where I feel loved. I live with my lil daughter and we looking forward for the unborn.
I am single mum and things will be hard, but its nuthing I couldnt handle. We'll be fine, with him or without him. My kids are only thing that really matters to me now and they will get as much of love as possible. I went thro time when I was totaly down and broken, but I cannot affort the luxury to stay like this cuz my lil girl needs me. I am still sad now and then, but I'll be fine soon I feel it. When I dont see my man I am getting better.
So however hard this is and however it seems like end of something its also a new begining of something much nicer I hope. My mum told me to find another man, but honestly I am not in the mood for men at all right now. I am all about my kids and I think I will be more than okay just with them. One day I might find myself another man, but it must be nice caring Dom who will treat me with lots of love and respect which I deffo need.
I am on my own and alone again, but I still have so much more than my man does. I have our kids and thats all that matters to me right now. They might not have a daddy, but they will have a good mum. I can be a good mum and good parter too, not my fault my ex cannot see it, oh well. *sigh*
Time to move on and I will. I should have done this long time ago, seems I have to always learn the hard way. I know whats important for me now, its just my kids. My man will be forgoten. I wont waste my love and energy on someone who treats me back like he did. Theres so much more I expect from life. However it was hard I had to realise I wont ever get it with my ex. I have to admit to myself I am not what he needs, same as he's not what I need. I need a good caring Dominant and as long as I wont find one I will be alone.
