The Embraced Day

[Masterisall]

The Embraced Day

The day peers over the setting sun
Watching the night before it takes its run
The clock strikes at six pm
And the light smiles with its faceless face
Taking the memories that has embraced the day

Colors dance with the shining auras
A fox looks at its just born
The day is brilliant with glowing prisms
And the light breeze blows over the now shaking leaves

There is no solitude that invades the day
Not a single moment that is black or grey
There are no crickets chirping their sad little tune
No, not a moment of grief or solitude

The gleams that peak through the window
Shows a mother reading to her child
Such a beautiful memory that the day will save somehow
Unlike night the light ignores the bad
And if some way it remembers
It throws it away as if it never had

Colors dance with the shining aura
Not a single movement that is black or grey
And the light it smiles with its faceless face
There is no loneliness even the moon is its friend

No, no solitude that will invade
The fox looks at its just born
And the day takes the memories
That it has embraced along the way

Jesse
---
This is a poem that I wrote to be the opisite of my poem Onset of The Night

 

[Senna Jawa]

This is better than your earlier poem. In both you show some technique, you can create a mood.

However, get real, be authentic, don't make up general, cliched pseudo-images. You're using ad hoc, cheap anthropomorphisms. Stay away from them. It takes a grand effort to make anthropomorphisms work, to make them a meaningful part of the poem, of the composition. But you have all those: "day peers", "(day)...watching" -- a boring repetition, "light smiles"... And nobody believes your fox and (negated ) crickets when you insert that "solitude" junk. Forget poetically impotent pseudo-images like "glowing prisms". Have true observations, sharp, instead of such nothing.

Your "faceless face" (about the light) does not convey anything, it doesn't say anything that we don't know--this is but a cheap trick.

You are more likely to write something good if you turn to positive (in terms of information) descriptions, which tell us about what is & exists there, rather then telling us what things are not. It's too easy to say what a thing is not, hence it's boring. You built the mood on the negation but it cannot buy you much. Look around, make your own observations, then you have a chance to write a real poem. Often experts suddenly come with a poetic phrase, without realizing it, because they point out to something concrete, to something special. It may sound like nothing to you but you should be alert to these happenings because their short phrases are superbly focused. For instance, listen to the top sportsmen. An NBA star just said that winning the last play-off series game on the road is special because of the silence after the match, with the thousands of audience around. One of the Wimbledon tennis players said that in the later, more advanced rounds it's so empty in the lockers (after each round a half of the players, those who lost, go home, hence the lockers become roomy and quiet). Etc. etc. You are very far at this time from true poetry. Focus on things which you truly know, which you know better than most of the people. Or don't bother. Cliches and generalities cannot be covered up by any technique. Actually, they painfully show that the technique is missing too.

Good luck,

 

[twelveoone]

This is better than your earlier poem. In both you show some technique, you can create a mood.

However, get real, be authentic, don't make up general, cliched pseudo-images. You're using ad hoc, cheap anthropomorphisms. Stay away from them. It takes a grand effort to make anthropomorphisms work, to make them a meaningful part of the poem, of the composition. But you have all those: "day peers", "(day)...watching" -- a boring repetition, "light smiles"... And nobody believes your fox and (negated ) crickets when you insert that "solitude" junk. Forget poetically impotent pseudo-images like "glowing prisms". Have true observations, sharp, instead of such nothing.

Your "faceless face" (about the light) does not convey anything, it doesn't say anything that we don't know--this is but a cheap trick.

You are more likely to write something good if you turn to positive (in terms of information) descriptions, which tell us about what is & exists there, rather then telling us what things are not. It's too easy to say what a thing is not, hence it's boring. You built the mood on the negation but it cannot buy you much. Look around, make your own observations, then you have a chance to write a real poem. Often experts suddenly come with a poetic phrase, without realizing it, because they point out to something concrete, to something special. It may sound like nothing to you but you should be alert to these happenings because their short phrases are superbly focused. For instance, listen to the top sportsmen. An NBA star just said that winning the last play-off series game on the road is special because of the silence after the match, with the thousands of audience around. One of the Wimbledon tennis players said that in the later, more advanced rounds it's so empty in the lockers (after each round a half of the players, those who lost, go home, hence the lockers become roomy and quiet). Etc. etc. You are very far at this time from true poetry. Focus on things which you truly know, which you know better than most of the people. Or don't bother. Cliches and generalities cannot be covered up by any technique. Actually, they painfully show that the technique is missing too.

Good luck,

Well, welcome back, always good to read you.

 

[Masterisall]

New idea, same poem. Differnt title.

Anxiety

The day peers over the setting sun
Watching the night before it takes its run
The clock strikes at six PM
And the light cast down its solemn face
Taking the memories that has embraced the day

Colors dance contemptuously with the shining auras
A fox glances upon its just born
The day is brilliant with depressing rays of grey sunlight
And the light breeze blows over the now shaking leaves

Solitude comes and then invades the day with calmness
Moments of grey and black sift close and afar apprehensively
Crickets chirp their sympathetic song
Crying out in their fearful awe

The moonlight enters secretly through a crevice in the window
Reflecting upon the mother reading to her child
Such a beautiful memory that the day will save somehow
Like night the light tries to ignore the bad it saw
And if in some way it succeeds
It throws it away as if it never had seen it at all

Colors jump along the sidewalk
Casting shadows neither black nor grey
Appearing as static without form
And the light nods with it's solemn face
The loneliness chooses the moon as a lover

There is joy but solitude had still invade
The hope glides in as if an approaching phantom
And it sits with black expression
As the fox and woman and child look upon the sky
Aloneness crawls into the anxiety they feel inside

The fusion of the day whispers quietly to the moon
And the thoughts betrayed by the modest sun
Fall away until they're right back where they started from