The Dental Appointment

[steviedr]

https://literotica.com/s/the-dental-appointment

I really am looking for feedback. Two of my stories actually happened to me, Yorkshire Dales Deflowering and My First Orgasm. But this one is much different and would genuinely like people's views. Be kind though please, thank you.

 

[Jada59]

I think it should say "I had a dental appointment". At least that's how we'd say it in the US. "I'd got" means "I had got".

It should be "coarse" settee. Not "course".

I think it should be, "the chair began to rise". Not "raise". But again that's how we would say it here.

The part about you not wearing knickers should have ended with a question mark.

She be "dentist assistant's course". But... Why is he giving her money for a course if she is already a dental assistant?

This sentence seems weird.

"
'Where's your panties?' he asked, 'I knew you hadn't got any on when I walked over to my wallet.'"

I think it should read: Where are your panties? I knew you weren't wearing them (or any) when I walked over to my wallet.

And why would the dentist care if she had panties on or not?

"Tweek" should be "tweak".

"What was I supposed to do.", should end in a question mark.

Aside from those things, it was well written, but I found the sex part to be written in a very clinical fashion. That made it not erotic for me.

 

[NotWise]

The sex is hot enough, and there's some effective imagery. There were also enough problems to make it hard to read.

I won't go into specific issues, but I suggest that you find an editor to help you with sentence structure and other grammatical problems.

 

[Chlobo]

https://literotica.com/s/the-dental-appointment

I really am looking for feedback. Two of my stories actually happened to me, Yorkshire Dales Deflowering and My First Orgasm. But this one is much different and would genuinely like people's views. Be kind though please, thank you.

I thought it was cool and with the details I had a feeling it had an autobiographical vibe to it cause it feels like something that’s happened to the author.

 

[Emirus]

I’ll begin with the bad news. The most important point I want to make is you must, absolutely must, find an editor. A good one who is prepared to spend the time required to turn your story into the story you want it to be. It won’t be a quick job and you would require patience while waiting for the advice because it won’t be just picking out a few examples. There are a colossal number of punctuation and spelling errors plus your sentence construction. It all made the story difficult to read and I imagine many readers gave up long before getting to the bottom of the first page.

Now the good news. You do have a good story here and I’m sure if it was sorted out and you deleted the original, then submitted the new version (you would then have no comments and no rating), you would find the comments more complimentary and the rating higher. I deliberately haven’t glanced at your other stories because you specifically asked about this one and because it can confuse the mind.

I don’t know if you have read many stories on here but there are plenty of writers from whom you could learn about how not to commit the mistakes I’ve mentioned simply by reading some of their stories. There are also articles on here that would help. Don’t let anyone’s adverse comments put you off writing. Show them they’re wrong by improving and giving yourself personal satisfaction which will be a reward in itself.

 

[BarracudaSwordfish]

"I'd woken up a little nervous, I'd got an dental appointment"

'An dental appointment.' Really?

That kind of error in the first line of the story is going to make a lot of people switch off. If something so grammatically incorrect comes so early, it does not bode well for the rest of the tale no matter how hot it is.

We all make mistakes and I still see some in my work that make me cringe, but they are buried deep.

This sticks out like a sore thumb and makes me want to go no further.

As others have said on similar threads, read it back out loud to yourself and don't be in a rush to publish. No idea what you use to write, but there are plenty of spell/grammar checkers out there that can and should help eliminate issues like that.

Keep writing, but also keep reading. Not only others, but your own work.

 

[Mastered_again]

Sorry, but it's a tough read. Too much jumbled together and very choppy. At times it seems you were going for a steam of conscience, but the narrator's thoughts get crammed in with various scene descriptions and dialog summaries. Shorter paragraphs might help.
Follow the other's advice get an editor.
If you can't wait that long, at least get some software with spell and grammar check.
Lastly, although I know it's agonizing, set the story aside for a couple of days and then return to it with fresh eyes.
(My current series of stories had been about six months in the making, not full time of course, but you get the idea)
Most importantly, don't give up. Invest the time to develop your writing skills.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Sorry, but it's a tough read. Too much jumbled together and very choppy. At times it seems you were going for a steam of conscience, but the narrator's thoughts get crammed in with various scene descriptions and dialog summaries. Shorter paragraphs might help.
Follow the other's advice get an editor.
If you can't wait that long, at least get some software with spell and grammar check.
Lastly, although I know it's agonizing, set the story aside for a couple of days and then return to it with fresh eyes.
(My current series of stories had been about six months in the making, not full time of course, but you get the idea)
Most importantly, don't give up. Invest the time to develop your writing skills.

Dang got to the end then noticed the thread is from six months ago. Could give feedback but not sure if steviedr would be around to read it.