The Dancer Chelsea (critique wanted)

Dangerouspoet

Virgin
Joined
Jun 29, 2006
Posts
20
The Dancer Chelsea

At night in New York City the lights
of our rooms, fifty stories high, shine
in a shrill vector of rays above tinny din
of motor cars and perpetual organ
grinders playing the sexy mouth game
while their lips completed orgasms in
several keys – their refrain, every verse
and chorus lifts my dancer as she wears
a slight white peignoir that she removed
slowly opening the layers of her delicate
small breasts, and with every thrust of her
loins she imagines her kingdom, and is
perfectly aroused by hot airs of summer
that had otherwise broken down with
musical sharps and flats while the natural
voices cut out of the concert left the key
and soloist without any plan, or even a
remote understanding of how music,
dance, and the sensual falling of flowers
registered a broken key and dissonance
reigned with Stravinsky and Prokofiev.

I love double flats and sharps to sweep space
into an habitual nervous climate that rains
when you try to change the outcome by twisting
the dials on the digital TV -- no one is that
powerful, and that sweet break in space
slows another direction for melody and
different harmonic maps with greater
Jazz bitter syncopation for beats against thighs
to pump us to complete mating, and that extra
kick of sex to guarantee the resolution of our
musical program. I do guarantee we will hear
only the best rise and run of notes while words
hidden in the barrel of the gun fall silent at
the appropriate time just as we reach climax
and the hot summer skins we shift over sand
advertise our brutal perfection as lovers and things.

2.

Chelsea had long legs, danced with an ardent hope
to raise sweat in summer, keep her weight impossible
almost not there, invisible as she pointed, lifted,
was aroused by oranges and pears at breakfast. He fed
her with his golden mythic spoon and the profound
juice leaked down the inside of her outer lips over his
palms, and he was caught, transformed, chanted
noble sorrow came alive forever with her hands.



She made him her life with the friction of palms
and the foot dance in the heat of summer streets,
and nothing virginal could be kept, and sworn
words ran down her legs or his while they swam
across the wild pond to paradise and beyond flaws.

She was perfect he believed but would not argue
her imagined limitations as it would do more harm
than bring about any change, for we are whole
in our choices, and no one can really change chance.

She asked for an orgy of one. He gave her more
than a dance in his choreography. Imagine sex on
stage balanced with Prokoviev and Balanchine.

Poetry as streamers fell from the White House porch
to the long line of limousines connected in circles.

What is fame she blushes? I do not know it. I cannot
believe it as the mirage simply boils away in summer
air over the great lakes into the Pacific and back over
all the great oceans to Atlantic City and that contest
pulling taffy, finding out who was beautiful, and then
running your hands over her breasts and when she
takes in breath, god appears on the mantle alone.
God has no gender, and no comfort with our difference
except as we are the means to his creation, as such, we
are the million miles of heat that make summer cold.

I want her thin, alive racing while I dance, recite my poems,
for we are troubadours raging down the French countryside
during the great wars of England and France, Prussia and
those Russian hoards driving us into new alphabets made
up to keep us busier so we cannot create the perfect mind
and settle for leadership that has never been honest,
but that is the raw story of the rage of heat in the macadam
streets, and when the house burns down, no one can fix it.

Chelsea is my new dancer. She is the city of New York, and
a dancer who will create our rivers, lakes and the mouth
of sex to swallow all prurient pears and every stable phallus.

My lover made a movie of our performance, but unfortunately
it was seized by the revolutionary guard as reactionary agitprop,
and I wouldn’t be allowed access to the libraries of either hell
or the distaff heaven that seems so fake these days as I age.


6-4-06​
 
Last edited:
Dangerouspoet said:
Sean – to me this reads like a fairly early draft from a very talented writer. i put some stray thoughts and suggestions in red, here and there, as they came to me – i am hesitant to give this deep critique, since i think you should break it down further yourself without too much muddle from someone else.

The Dancer Chelsea

At night in New York City the lights
of our rooms, fifty stories high, shine
in a shrill vector of rays above the tinny din
of motor cars and perpetual organ
grinders playing the sexy mouth game
while their lips completed orgasms in tense error (complete) … also, I think the lone break should be after “orgasms”
several keystheir refrain, every verse
and chorus lifts my dancer as she wears
a slight white peignoir that she removed tense error (removes) … also, a comma needed after “removes”
slowly opening the layers of her delicate I think “of” should be “from”
small breasts, and with every thrust of her
loins she imagines her kingdom, and is
perfectly aroused by hot airs of summer
that had otherwise broken down with I would move “with” down to begin the next line
musical sharps and flats while the natural
voices cut out of the concert left the key
and soloist without any plan, or even a
remote understanding of how music,
dance, and the sensual falling of flowers
registered a broken key and dissonance tense again (register) …. Comma needed after “key”
reigned with Stravinsky and Prokofiev.

I think the first stanza is a bit too wordy, and I suggest some compression . . . how you do that, if you do, is for your hand to decide . . .after I rewrote, i would read the whole first stanza again for tense consistency

I love double flats and sharps to sweep space
into an habitual nervous climate that rains
when you try to change the outcome by twisting
the dials on the digital TVno one is that break line after “no one”
powerful, and that sweet break in space
slows another direction for melody and get “and” off the line end, either by dropping it down or bringing “different” up
different harmonic maps with greater
Jazz bitter syncopation for beats against thighs
to pump us to complete mating, and that extra
kick of sex to guarantee the resolution of our
musical program. I do guarantee we will hear
only the best rise and run of notes while words
hidden in the barrel of the gun fall silent at weak line ending
the appropriate time just as we reach climax comma after “time
and the hot summer skins we shift over sand
advertise our brutal perfection as lovers and things.

really nice ending to this stanza . . . I think this stanza need less compression than the first, but it too, would benefit from a bit, in my opinion

2.

Chelsea had long legs, danced with an ardent hope
to raise sweat in summer, keep her weight impossible need comma here
almost not there, invisible as she pointed, lifted,
was aroused by oranges and pears at breakfast. He fed
her with his golden mythic spoon and the profound ”profound” really
grates at me in this spot

juice leaked down the inside of her outer lips over his
palms, and he was caught, transformed, chanted
noble sorrow came alive forever with her hands. comma after “sorrow”



She made him her life with the friction of palms
and the foot dance in the heat of summer streets,
and nothing virginal could be kept, and sworn
words ran down her legs or his while they swam
across the wild pond to paradise and beyond flaws.

She was perfect he believed but would not argue
her imagined limitations as it would do more harm
than bring about any change, for we are whole
in our choices, and no one can really change chance.

She asked for an orgy of one. He gave her more
than a dance in his choreography. Imagine sex on
stage balanced with Prokoviev and Balanchine.

Poetry as streamers fell from the White House porch
to the long line of limousines connected in circles.

Those four stanzas read well, but I’m not sure they fit together well, without some reworking with solidity and clarity in mind, as pieces of the whole.

What is fame she blushes? I do not know it. I cannot
believe it as the mirage simply boils away in summer
air over the great lakes into the Pacific and back over Great Lakes?…or am I misreading?
all the great oceans to Atlantic City and that contest
pulling taffy, finding out who was beautiful, and then
running your hands over her breasts and when she
takes in breath, god appears on the mantle alone.
God has no gender, and no comfort with our difference
except as we are the means to his creation, as such, we
are the million miles of heat that make summer cold.

I want her thin, aliveeither a comma or conjunction here racing while I dance, recite my poems,
for we are troubadours raging down the French countryside
during the great wars of England and France, Prussia and move “and” down
those Russian hoards driving us into new alphabets made
up to keep us busier so we cannot create the perfect mind
and settle for leadership that has never been honest,
but that is the raw story of the rage of heat in the macadam
streets, and when the house burns down, no one can fix it. again, reads well, but I suggest compression

Chelsea is my new dancer. She is the city of New York, and i just rarely like ending lines with conjunctions or prepositions
a dancer who will create our rivers, lakes and the mouth
of sex to swallow all prurient pears and every stable phallus.

My lover made a movie of our performance, but unfortunately
it was seized by the revolutionary guard as reactionary agitprop,
and I wouldn’t be allowed access to the libraries of either hell
or the distaff heaven that seems so fake these days as I age.

i’m not sure the last stanza adds anything to the poem at all, and it may even detract.


hope these little ideas help you as you rewrite, Sean.

as i said, there is too much there for me to inject deep thoughts without feeling like i'm trespassing on your words.


good luck with it. there are parts i found stunning . . . in a good way.

:rose:
 
thanks. Yes, it is a first draft. I appreciate all the time you took with comments. I rarely share first drafts these days but I wanted to see how and what others note in the explosion of a poem. All your grammatical points are well taken. Compression is needed, and that is the hard part FOR ME to accomplish. When I revise it, and I will, reposting will be interesting. Actually, now that I understand the dual function of literotica it will be easier for me to support the group with my criticism, your eyes on my early work, and use the regular group for the adoration I love. I want to be kicked in the butt here. I need it.

Sean
 
Dangerouspoet said:
Actually, now that I understand the dual function of literotica it will be easier for me to support the group with my criticism, your eyes on my early work, and use the regular group for the adoration I love. I want to be kicked in the butt here. I need it.

Sean
That's a praiseworthy attitude, Sean, very important.

The readership here at Literotica is so wide and diverse that it is a statistical certainty that you will find a group of adoring fans that will eat up anything you write. It can be very dangerous, if we don't keep it in perspective and actively seek that butt-kicking.

Welcome to the PDF, by the way. :)
 
Hi Sean, I'd like to add my welcome to the forum and let you know I've been reading your poems with interest. For the most I've been entertained and interested in your stuff and I am glad that you're welcoming critique from the poets here on this board.

You've stumbled on one of the most valuable resources of literotica, in my view.

With the formalities over, here are a few thoughts on this poem.

It's long. Is there a reason you've got so much crammed into this poem? I've noticed that many of your pieces seem a little daunting in content to critique. Sometimes, the way I feel,(it has nothing to do wih the work or the poet, btw, I have real life issues), they even are, almost, too much to read.

I'll give you what I can for now and I hope I'll get a chance to contribute more when I have the time

The thoughts that follow are merely my own observations and opinion as to what will make this poem better for me to read. You are welcome to accept and use whatever you may find useful and do what you will with the rest. This is your poem. I would not presume to guess that I could write it better but I hope that I can offer guidance that will improve it.



The Dancer Chelsea

At night in New York City the lights
of our rooms, fifty stories high, shine

Are the rooms fifty stories high or are they fifty stories above the street? I know it sounds facetious of me to ask, but if you read the parenthetical phrase out of context, you can see where it could seem that way.
in a shrill vector of rays above (the) tinny din
of motor cars and perpetual organ
grinders playing the sexy mouth game

21(22) words and 5 are descriptors, 6(7) are conjunctions and prepositions or articles; so, could you say the same thing in 10 words instead?
while their lips completed orgasms in
several keys – their refrain, every verse
and chorus lifts my dancer as she wears
a slight white peignoir that she removed
slowly opening the layers of her delicate

If she's wearing a (over-described) peignoir, I don't think there'd be layers over her breasts
small breasts, and with every thrust of her
loins she imagines her kingdom, and is
perfectly aroused by hot airs of summer
that had otherwise broken down with
musical sharps and flats while the natural
voices, cut out of the concert, left the key
and soloist without any plan, or even a
remote understanding of how music,
dance, and the sensual falling of flowers
registered a broken key and dissonance
reigned with Stravinsky and Prokofiev.

I like the feel of this first, introductory strophe, but I know it can be edited so that you make each word count toward the story and contribute value to the narrative, beyond their obvious, singular meanings.
 
One of the things that first struck about the poem, before I even read it, is that the lines get more or less continually longer through the poem. In the first strophe, for example, the lines are between 9 and 13 syllables in length. The final strophe has lines of 15 to 21(!) syllables.

You invoke music quite a bit throughout the poem, so I wonder if you intend this to serve as a kind of verbal crescendo. If so, it doesn't work for me, and actually probably has the opposite effect. Very long lines make it difficult for me to process the poem and my reading slows down. Of course, it may not affect others that way.

As an aside, you spell "Prokofiev" two different ways.
 
Back
Top