The Dance

[bigbaddad]

I watch her dance from across the floor
Full breasts heaving as her breathing quickens
With the intensity of her sensuous workout
Grinding her hips into an imaginary lover
Thrusting in time with the rhythm of the music
As though making love in the middle of the room
I feel a hitch in my breathing as I take in this view
A flush crawling up my neck as my body responds
Shading my face with an obvious crimson hue
My pulse becoming rapid, my heartbeat racing
Blood instantly filling that part of me
That defines my very manhood
And I am stricken with an incredible heat
An intense lust setting my mind, and my loins, afire
Maddening desire controlling my thoughts, my actions
I make my way across the dance floor as though drawn
Gyrating with a wanton disregard for decency
To take this goddess into my arms
And consummate the union of two inflamed souls
I take her in my arms with an animalistic passion…..
And find myself holding my pillow
As my alarm beckons the start of another day

 

[UnderYourSpell]

hello and welcome are you posting for critique because if so IMHO you could do with some editing ....... yell out if that's what you are here for

 

[bigbaddad]

Critique, comment...whatever.. Just sharing.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Ok well as you've got it written here, it's very much like prose with line breaks so you could lose a great many words and just because it's the beginning of a line doesn't necessarily mean you have to use a capital letter. Some like it some don't, I suppose it's a personal thing but it flows much better without, I think, as a capital letter makes me pause. You've a great many gerunds in there breathing,thrusting,grinding,making.crawling,maddening,controlling not that 'ing' words need to be lost altogether but too many are a distraction.
Lets take one line and edit
'An intense lust setting my mind, and my loins, afire'
how about this instead 'lust sets my mind, my loins afire' that cuts a lot of unnecessary words, if you lose the vast majority of 'ands' and 'thes' it will read more like poetry than prose.
Anyway hope that helps, if you hang around here get to know us all you will find most people helpful and willing to give encouragement.

 

[bigbaddad]

Ok well as you've got it written here, it's very much like prose with line breaks so you could lose a great many words and just because it's the beginning of a line doesn't necessarily mean you have to use a capital letter. Some like it some don't, I suppose it's a personal thing but it flows much better without, I think, as a capital letter makes me pause. You've a great many gerunds in there breathing,thrusting,grinding,making.crawling,maddening,controlling not that 'ing' words need to be lost altogether but too many are a distraction.
Lets take one line and edit
'An intense lust setting my mind, and my loins, afire'
how about this instead 'lust sets my mind, my loins afire' that cuts a lot of unnecessary words, if you lose the vast majority of 'ands' and 'thes' it will read more like poetry than prose.
Anyway hope that helps, if you hang around here get to know us all you will find most people helpful and willing to give encouragement.

I appreciate your comments. However, I intend to leave it as it is. I have gotten a lot of very complimentay comments in other formats for this work. I realize my writing won't satisfy everyone..and when I see a change suggested that I agree with...I implement it. Good day, sir.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I appreciate your comments. However, I intend to leave it as it is. I have gotten a lot of very complimentay comments in other formats for this work. I realize my writing won't satisfy everyone..and when I see a change suggested that I agree with...I implement it. Good day, sir.

Actually I'm not a sir I'm a lady and he who isn't willing to move onwards with his/her writing never goes anywhere ......... Good day Sir/Madam (please chose which applies)

 

[bigbaddad]

Actually I'm not a sir I'm a lady and he who isn't willing to move onwards with his/her writing never goes anywhere ......... Good day Sir/Madam (please chose which applies)

My apologies on the mixup. Never said I am unwilling to move forward. And I DO appreciate your critique of this poem. I just choose, in this instance, not to make the changes you suggested, as my response to this is overwhelmingly in favor of leaving it as is....further, MY inclination is to leave it as is. I am not offended by your criticisms...in fact, they were very much welcome. If I came across rude, I apologize, as this was not my intent.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Apology accepted although I would point out that a critique is not criticisms and mine was a way of moving prose on to being more poetic

 

[bigbaddad]

Apology accepted although I would point out that a critique is not criticisms and mine was a way of moving prose on to being more poetic

Point taken...and, once again...thank you.

 

[butters]

well, thankyou for sharing your writing with us here, bbd. not everyone desires critique of their work, for whatever reason. personally, i believe UYS offered you some sound advice. you are, of course, free to disregard it as you will, and i appreciate you kept it civil on the forum. that's not always a given when it comes to suggestions being offered and rejected.

there is one thing i would like to add here, though: always consider the source of any praise or suggestions for change. if a writer who knows their stuff and knows it well offers you something to think upon, it's a good idea to do just that - think about it and not reject out of hand. far too many people, non-poets or as yet undeveloped poets might offer glowing praise for a work that really just isn't that polished or, sometimes, good.

as a poem, i believe you could do a lot of polishing to shine yours up to its true potential. one day you might be ready to hear what some have to say. it's what we all go through, and only time and experience offer the right perspective to allow change to be palatable.

 

[Angeline]

I appreciate your comments. However, I intend to leave it as it is. I have gotten a lot of very complimentay comments in other formats for this work. I realize my writing won't satisfy everyone..and when I see a change suggested that I agree with...I implement it. Good day, sir.

No offense but if you don't want critique or feedback, don't post poems and say you do. I tend to agree with UYS's feedback, but the only person you really have to please with your poetry is you, of course.

 

[fulvius]

good

Good stuff man, I really enjoyed reading it. I especially like the last line.

.. I find it kind of amusing how "good day" can actually be seen as a rude thing to say to someone. English is strange.

 

[CharleyH]

No offense but if you don't want critique or feedback, don't post poems and say you do. I tend to agree with UYS's feedback, but the only person you really have to please with your poetry is you, of course.

I'd have been much harsher than UYS. I can still be if you like, though, bigbad.

 

[bigbaddad]

well, thankyou for sharing your writing with us here, bbd. not everyone desires critique of their work, for whatever reason. personally, i believe UYS offered you some sound advice. you are, of course, free to disregard it as you will, and i appreciate you kept it civil on the forum. that's not always a given when it comes to suggestions being offered and rejected.

there is one thing i would like to add here, though: always consider the source of any praise or suggestions for change. if a writer who knows their stuff and knows it well offers you something to think upon, it's a good idea to do just that - think about it and not reject out of hand. far too many people, non-poets or as yet undeveloped poets might offer glowing praise for a work that really just isn't that polished or, sometimes, good.

as a poem, i believe you could do a lot of polishing to shine yours up to its true potential. one day you might be ready to hear what some have to say. it's what we all go through, and only time and experience offer the right perspective to allow change to be palatable.

Because I chose not to make a change now does not mean I have not considered the suggestions made, or dismissed out of hand the source of those suggestions. I have not done that. I do appreciate constructive criticsm...and quite often, take and utilize advice when given. I had no desire to offend. I am never offended if advice I offer is not used, and would hope for the same consideration here. Thank you.

 

[bigbaddad]

No offense but if you don't want critique or feedback, don't post poems and say you do. I tend to agree with UYS's feedback, but the only person you really have to please with your poetry is you, of course.

I do appreciate your comments. I posted my writing for my own purposes, and did not and do not dismiss anyone's comments or suggestions out of hand. If my response, or how I worded it, lead you to believe otherwise, I do apologize.

 

[bigbaddad]

Good stuff man, I really enjoyed reading it. I especially like the last line.

.. I find it kind of amusing how "good day" can actually be seen as a rude thing to say to someone. English is strange.

Thank you for your comments. I didn't intend "Good day" to mean anything more than for her to have a good day...a genuine wishing well to another person. Good day to you, as well.

 

[bigbaddad]

I'd have been much harsher than UYS. I can still be if you like, though, bigbad.

As much as I would tell anyone else...I welcome your comments...even if they are harsh, as long as the intent is to be constructive. I would also ask you all to respect my right to NOT implement suggested changes, and not view it as a put down or commentary on who you are. Nor does it suggest that those that have suggested I leave it as is are uneducated or don't know poetry. Quite the opposite, I assure you. This posting was not intended to hurt feelings...merely a means of expressing myself, as I thought we all wish to do. Have a wonderful day, all of you.

 

[butters]

Because I chose not to make a change now does not mean I have not considered the suggestions made, or dismissed out of hand the source of those suggestions. I have not done that. I do appreciate constructive criticsm...and quite often, take and utilize advice when given. I had no desire to offend. I am never offended if advice I offer is not used, and would hope for the same consideration here. Thank you.

i'm sure you will receive every consideration we're really quite a supportive bunch of misfits here, and believe in helping if we are able. i, too, am not great at taking suggestions unless they feel 100% right to me, so you are not alone. after all, being true to ourselves and our writes is important if we wish to remain connected with them at all, imo.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

.....................

 

[bigbaddad]

i'm sure you will receive every consideration we're really quite a supportive bunch of misfits here, and believe in helping if we are able. i, too, am not great at taking suggestions unless they feel 100% right to me, so you are not alone. after all, being true to ourselves and our writes is important if we wish to remain connected with them at all, imo.

I have not been offended here. I value each of you that has commented..and would hope, if I post another, that you all would do so again.

 

[Angeline]

I do appreciate your comments. I posted my writing for my own purposes, and did not and do not dismiss anyone's comments or suggestions out of hand. If my response, or how I worded it, lead you to believe otherwise, I do apologize.

Well in that case I forgive you.

 

[bigbaddad]

Well in that case I forgive you.

Thank you, Ms. Angeline. Friends?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I have not been offended here. I value each of you that has commented..and would hope, if I post another, that you all would do so again.

probably not, not me anyway as you don't seem able to see the points I went out of my way to make the first time

 

[bigbaddad]

probably not, not me anyway as you don't seem able to see the points I went out of my way to make the first time

No...this is not true. I'm sorry you are offended I chose not to change my poem. I meant no offense.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I'm not offended just saving my critiques for more appreciative audiences