The Club

[EROTICFUN]

Hi

I have decided to submit one of my stories, so I would appreciate feedback or a discussion about the story.

It is called "The Club" and is located in the Exhibitionist and Voyeurism section.

The link is http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=44961.

Thank you and may all your fantasies be better than you imagined.

EROTICFUN

 

[Impetus]

Interesting, but short of it's full potential.

I noticed a few technical errors, which are always important to avoid when possible. But the most important thing that I could offer feedback from is that your writing style is very disjointed. The most obvious example of this is that each idea is it's own paragraph, and you skip between ideas every line. It makes everything a discrete event, and it keeps anything from flowing together.

Try this, don't think of yourself as the director, explaining what's happening now, and then what's happening now, and again... Think of yourself as a cameraman here. Focus on one thing, expound on it for a while, flesh out the image in our minds, attatch other ideas to it. Then switch to another angle, another scene, another idea. Take more time to flesh the paragraphs out and I think you'll find your writing is much easier to read.

-I