The Cheetah Story

[Rotational]

Hi! I've posted my first story here at Literotica and I desperately want feedback on it.

The story is called The Cheetah Story and (for some reason) it's in the "First Time" category, even though it's not about anyone's first time.

It's about a girl who gets bodypainted into a cheetah as a surprise for her boyfriend for his birthday and, well, rowr. Every basic kind of sex happens, and maybe even a little more.

I'd love it if you could provide in-depth, constructive criticism on it, after all it is MY first time as an author here, and don't hesitate to be harsh, I can take it.

Thanks in advance.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I love your imagination and the amount of detail, but I think that after awhile it was a bit too much, almost like it got too clinical and that slowed it down and made me impatient to get on with the story.

Another thing that bothered me was the way it kept on alternating big, monolithic paragraphs with quick one-liners. That can be an effective device if used sparingly, but it was repeated throughout the story and that got kind of old. Those big, solid paragraphs needed to be broken up into more easily digestible chunks.

Here's an example of how you might hale the readability of the story by using more paragraphs. The following appeared as a solid block of text in your story. I've cut it into smaller paragraphs below:
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I know I should get tired, I know it's all the same, but every time I'm at a man knees, his erection in front of my face, I am filled with excitement, contentment, eagerness and HUNGER.

"No, I want to fuck you" he said as he brought me to my feet while he retrieved a condom from his pants pocket and stepped out of them.

I leaned over the sink, looking out the window into the neighbour's yard. I saw his reflection in the glass get behind me and I closed my eyes with anticipation. I felt his hands rub my ass and up my hips, as if to evaluate their grabbability. I felt his ever so slightly soft dick, warm and wet, rest on one of my buttcheeks as he fingered my ass, professing his love for it.

I moaned, enjoying it, my eyes still closed, wondering what was next. His hand slid up my spine, which was punctuated by cheetah spots from which the other spots on my back radiated like branches from a tree, ribs from a spine--or spots on a cheetah's back. His hands then slid down to my hips and made the motion to turn me around, so that's what I did.

"I want to look at you" he said as he picked me up--I always love when a guy picks me up in the air-- and sat me on the edge of the sink.

We kissed and once again his hand ran up my shirt to cup my boob while I reached down and stroked his dick. I took off the shirt I was wearing and, with one last smell, threw it away.

He looked down at my thighs with their big spots, then up at my chocolate bar abs with their smaller spots evolving in thinning concentric circles to highlight my blank breasts, up to the spots on my shoulders which ran down my arms.

We kept kissing as we gave each other handjobs, moaning not only at each other's touch but at each other's presence, at the outset of this fucking which was turning out to be quite intimate. My legs were spread around him, inviting him into my space, making his heat, his smell, his life energy radiate into mine, blending the two in one embrace.
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Cutting up that solid block of text into smaller, more easily digestible paragraphs makes the story more readable and gives a feeling of structure and movement to it.

You have a great eye for graphic detail and your enthusiasm really comes through, so you have the talent. Just try and give the reader some breathing room by leaving more white space in the story, and your readers will thank you for it.

---dr.M.