The Cheating Thread

[DT77]

So...have you?

Please, no judgment on anyone in this thread. Feel free to tell us if you have or haven't, or if you were cheated on. How it felt, would you do it again, etc.

I did it once when I was 19. I was dating a girl from my work. She broke up with me like a week later (she never found out) because SHE cheated and she said she felt too guilty lol.

I was cheated on by my last gf. It was a serious relationship...yet when I found out, it was so hot.

 

[blu3tooth]

My wife cheated on me with a friend before we were married. She told me after we married but by then the guy was a feature in 3somes anyway. It didn't bother me as it was just sex, and she finds it hard to say no. I cheated on her four times, 2 IRL, 2 online. She knows about one of the IRL, was pissed, but not for long. She knows about both on-line affairs and was more cut up about these than the IRL stuff. I think it was cos the IRL was just fucking whereas the on-line involved feelings.

 

[DT77]

My wife cheated on me with a friend before we were married. She told me after we married but by then the guy was a feature in 3somes anyway. It didn't bother me as it was just sex, and she finds it hard to say no. I cheated on her four times, 2 IRL, 2 online. She knows about one of the IRL, was pissed, but not for long. She knows about both on-line affairs and was more cut up about these than the IRL stuff. I think it was cos the IRL was just fucking whereas the on-line involved feelings.

Damn, that was hot lol

 

[r_mck]

I did want her to, but she never found the right guy.

 

[dreamykitten2]

I have a lover

He's awesome! I'm very lucky and hubby is clueless luckily! I just need more than he can give! I'm careful and happy!

 

[chellbarr]

I cheat all the time. I don't want to, but I'm a sex-addict.

 

[whalee1]

It's all about COMMITMENT

I usually say it's not cheating unless the couple is married, but if there is a commitment, then I guess stepping out on your S/O can be considered cheating. It certainly is rampant when there is no ring involved. And, it certainly hurts. Happened a lot when I was still single. I know my wife used it as an excuse. "Well, we weren't married then." Nor, had we made that commitment. It's always a fuzzy zone when the couple isn't married. So, one might say 'cheating' can motivate a couple to make that commitment. But, be sure that's what you want, and not just to keep him or her from having sex with another because your ego was bruised. Otherwise, you'll be back out there looking for it again....and soon.

 

[Cyann]

Married for 21 years, actively cheating for the last 5. Have had two long-term partners and three short-term (and some have overlapped). Not cheating for the extra sex, cheating for other emotional reasons--which makes it harder since most men are just out to get laid, but I'm fortunate that I have found a good guy who gets it. Simply put: the marriage is over and I'm not willing to officially end it.

Yet.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I don't think it is something to be proud of or to flaunt about. Yet it is a reality, it is so, for better or worse, normal. The problem I face is that I don't believe in monogamy - I find it utterly unrealistic and unnecessary - but am bounded in a normative structure and by social norms that police and expect monogamy. I wish my wife would have an affair - not to ease the guilt of my own wanderings (particularly as I don't feel guilty) - but to provide her her own release and adventures. Personally I think it would improve our own sex lives if we could be a little more open about it, but she refuses...

 

[Beck31]

Yes. I've cheated in the past. However I was seperated from girl at the time and it was a moment of weakness.

 

[goesallnight]

I have cheated in the past as well, I have struggled with monogamy all of my life. Recently I realize that I'm simply not monogamous and never well be. I have ben open with all of this with my wife, so I will no longer ever cheat. She knows everything I have done in the past and everything I'm doing now. She's quite supportive, though it's taking her time to adjust. The benefit for her is that I'm actually spending less time in places like this, trying to seek something that's not really real and I'm more focused on actually finding women (locally) to date.

And also the benefit is removing her fear that I will leave her. I always want her in my life and she knows this; I deeply love her. But I also need to be with others sometimes or in some other ways. I have had a long term long distance relationship with a woman on lit (which my wife knows all about) and I have experienced being openly in love with both women, and I really enjoy it. My wife gets quite a bit of benefit from that as well, and I'm much more in love and loving towards here. Love begets love I have found.

So no more cheating for me.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

some wonderful thoughts, goesallnight! for people to be totally open and honest about their sexual desires for others is definately not easy. To reconcile to the fact that your s/o wants to be sexually involved with another is difficult to accept given we have been so programmed to expect monogamy. It seems strange on how we are so acculturated into the idea of monogamy and yet so many of us actually "cheat"... When will our mores catch up with our practices/realities???

 

[goesallnight]

some wonderful thoughts, goesallnight! for people to be totally open and honest about their sexual desires for others is definately not easy. To reconcile to the fact that your s/o wants to be sexually involved with another is difficult to accept given we have been so programmed to expect monogamy. It seems strange on how we are so acculturated into the idea of monogamy and yet so many of us actually "cheat"... When will our mores catch up with our practices/realities???

A couple of books helped me with the: Sex at Dawn, The Ethical Slut and Coming out.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

A couple of books helped me with the: Sex at Dawn, The Ethical Slut and Coming out.

excellent suggestions! definately a way of opening up channels of communication at least. sexual exploration can be so much more rewarding when shared, which doesn't solely imply being together all the time...

 

[goesallnight]

excellent suggestions! definately a way of opening up channels of communication at least. sexual exploration can be so much more rewarding when shared, which doesn't solely imply being together all the time...

Yes, it feels so much better being open and honest about things. I hate hiding and cheating.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Yes, it feels so much better being open and honest about things. I hate hiding and cheating.

I concur... but it remains a reality.

but i also find a mix of attitudes of women towards a married man - some find it a bit of a fantasy, and the sex can be ... wow! I like those women!

 

[goesallnight]

I concur... but it remains a reality.

but i also find a mix of attitudes of women towards a married man - some find it a bit of a fantasy, and the sex can be ... wow! I like those women!

I don't have any moral judgement against cheating, and I have no problem being sexual with someone who is cheating, I just don't want to do it myself. There is something hot about women who like to cheat, I have to say that.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

and being with a married woman! even when her husband knows...

 

[xxglorysflamexx]

I have not cheated, though I have been thinking about it increasingly as of late. Nothing emotional, I just crave sex and don't get it much at home.

However, I have been cheated on and it was extremely painful.
Quite a conundrum.

 

[goesallnight]

I have not cheated, though I have been thinking about it increasingly as of late. Nothing emotional, I just crave sex and don't get it much at home.

However, I have been cheated on and it was extremely painful.
Quite a conundrum.

One of the things you might want to consider is to look into why his cheating was painful to you? Did you fear losing him? Did you feel inadequate? Lack of trust and honest? What was it exactly that was the problem. The Ethical Slut actually has a good chapter on jealousy and it's a pretty complicated issue. It's worth looking into this for yourself I think.

 

[DT77]

He's awesome! I'm very lucky and hubby is clueless luckily! I just need more than he can give! I'm careful and happy!

This post really turned me on. Maybe it's the big floppy boobs dangling over it? lol

 

[LibraStud]

I have not cheated, though I have been thinking about it increasingly as of late. Nothing emotional, I just crave sex and don't get it much at home.

However, I have been cheated on and it was extremely painful.
Quite a conundrum.

That is a difficult situation - there are men who feel just like you - the problem is finding them - and then making the right choice - you can never tell a book by its cover - you want someone discrete - sensitive - and willing to satisfy your needs.

 

[mywayyourway100]

I have cheated. Well I guess it depends on what you consider cheating. I got a blowjob from a one nighter, I definitely consider that cheating. The guilt almost killed me, I confessed the very next morning. We are still together although I now live with the constant surveillance, guilt, regret and fear of her doing it to me.

The one positive, I cheated because I felt very ignored, unloved, undesired, and my sex life as a married guy was non-existent. After the incident, my reservations are gone. I've been totally honest about my desires and fantasies and my wife is suddenly more than willing to comply. I’ve gone from face to face passion-less sex to the two of us sucking a dildo while making love so maybe there is some gain from the situation.

 

[amofiga]

I have cheated and used to tell myself (rationalize to myself, lie to myself) that it was necessary to stay sane in a marriage that seemed to be off track. It was the easy way out rather than working on the marriage. Most of the affairs were long term (year or more) with married women who felt the same as me. They wanted a better sex life but didn't want to end a marriage and expose kids to divorce, lose the security of marriage, whatever. Unfortunately the last affair (it had to be) was with a psycho "Fatal Attractions" crazy woman that after two years and wanting me to leave my wife so she could leave her husband, outed me to my wife, her husband, my boss, my wife's boss, bashed up my car, attacked me with a knife, and continually called my place of work (changed the home number) to make death threats on me, my wife, my kids. After two restraining orders that she violated, I finally had to take her to court for harrassment where whe was convicted but put on court supervised therapy probation for two years.

I suppose affarirs can be helpful in some cases. They can be "fun" in some cases. They can be romantic, erotic, sexy, etc. They can also end in disaster and be life threatening either directly or maybe even with STD's. If you're thinking about doing it, give it a second thought. It took two years of marriage counseling to work through my own issues and things have been much better for the past 12 years, but it's something I would NOT do again knowing what I know now. I would have opted for the counseling long ago. Good luck with whatever you all do.

 

[Beck31]

Thank you for opening up and sharing. I think a big danger can be falling for the person you are having an affair with. Of course only you can make the decision to cheat. I don't judge b/c I have to right to.