The cheating friend

[BertrandRussell]

In this latest encounter, has her husband benefitted? Did you, or she, do anything that might lead to his happiness?

 

[silverwhisper]

somehowyou quoth:
and if we dont agree with your little clique of yours...you know the one's that begin their conversation with a "hi ed" then we should not post our opinion?

you are confusing "clique" with "friends". i've made a few here because i actually give a shit about some of the folks i've been chatting with here for years now. j in particular is one, as are several others who've already weighed in during this thread.

somehowyou quoth:
did anything i say sound like an apology? i happen to have a different opinion than you and your ilk and i will voice it.

yes, i know: you almost always advise that people respond/not respond such that the likelihood of marital infidelity is higher. that's part of your schtick and i get it.

however, your ire is misdirected here. you bristle over my use of the word "apologist" and i am certain this must be because you are unfamiliar with the meaning of the word "apologetics". if you check out the wiki, you'll see that the word as i am using it here is in no way, shape or form anything over which you should feel insulted, belittled or denigrated.

let me be clear about something: if i want to insult you, i'll do so openly and obviously, not in some namby-pamby, passive/aggressive, bullshit kinda way, somehowyou.

but that day isn't today. and it wasn't when i made the previous post, either.

j quoth:
she called about 2 hours later and apologized, said she was shocked, that she hadn't realized she'd been so careless at the party. she confided that she and her husband have been having serious problems for some time and that she's miserable. in tears she asked if we could get together again and said that she definitely needs a friend right now.

you did a good thing there, j. i don't know what your trust level with your friend is, but if she knew that you've been there, that might be helpful for her to know.

j quoth:
thanks for all the advice (and the entertaining arguments, lol). i'm glad i brought this up with her. although the initial conversation didn't go well, i'm sure it's a fairly expected and human reaction to become defensive.

i think you're right about the tendency to react with defensiveness.

i hope your next meeting with your friend goes better, j. :>

ed

 

[Marcj1969]

"She called about 2 hours later and apologized, said she was shocked, that she hadn't realized she'd been so careless at the party. She confided that she and her husband have been having serious problems for some time and that she's miserable. In tears she asked if we could get together again and said that she definitely needs a friend right now."

Becareful, your friends world is about to be torn apart, she will do anything to have someone on her side.( the lies and excuses will amaze you) As people find out she is a cheater, she will loose respect of friends and co-workers, her children(depending on age) may even stop speaking to her.
There is No, excuse, for cheating!! None, if your marriage sucks, walk away!!
Your friend will lie to you about everything/anything to keep you on her side.
The worst part, her husband will get fucked with the debt, and the divorce will cost him a fortune. He will have to give her half of all assets, retirement, and pay half of her debt(new car, credit cards, etc..), plus spousal support(if he makes more).
Before you ask, I know this, because, I have been though this. Almost all States are now no fault states. Its all about quality of life, moral values are not taken into consideration.
Why do you want to support, a so called friend (remember if she lies to her best friend-husband, she will lie to anyone), who fucked up her marriage, and now will fuck her husband over in the end? Worse she could do it to the next guy!!
Support her husband, he's the one hurting, and he has'nt even seen the darkest days of his life yet.

 

[leyna]

"She called about 2 hours later and apologized, said she was shocked, that she hadn't realized she'd been so careless at the party. She confided that she and her husband have been having serious problems for some time and that she's miserable. In tears she asked if we could get together again and said that she definitely needs a friend right now."

Becareful, your friends world is about to be torn apart, she will do anything to have someone on her side.( the lies and excuses will amaze you) As people find out she is a cheater, she will loose respect of friends and co-workers, her children(depending on age) may even stop speaking to her.
There is No, excuse, for cheating!! None, if your marriage sucks, walk away!!
Your friend will lie to you about everything/anything to keep you on her side.
The worst part, her husband will get fucked with the debt, and the divorce will cost him a fortune. He will have to give her half of all assets, retirement, and pay half of her debt(new car, credit cards, etc..), plus spousal support(if he makes more).
Before you ask, I know this, because, I have been though this. Almost all States are now no fault states. Its all about quality of life, moral values are not taken into consideration.
Why do you want to support, a so called friend (remember if she lies to her best friend-husband, she will lie to anyone), who fucked up her marriage, and now will fuck her husband over in the end? Worse she could do it to the next guy!!
Support her husband, he's the one hurting, and he has'nt even seen the darkest days of his life yet.

Marc-
On the surface, your advice projects bitterness and over-generalizations based on your experience. However, it resonates because the same thing you describe above happened to me - only in reverse (physically/mentally abusive ex cheated on me - then stole our friends and all of the sudden i was the pariah). So, yes - the friend will likely reach out for friends and it is wise for OP to proceed in a supportive, but guarded manner.

OP- I'm glad you chose to speak with her and that she eventually accepted your support. Just be sure to keep supporting BOTH of your friends.

 

[Marcj1969]

Marc-
On the surface, your advice projects bitterness and over-generalizations based on your experience. However, it resonates because the same thing you describe above happened to me - only in reverse (physically/mentally abusive ex cheated on me - then stole our friends and all of the sudden i was the pariah). So, yes - the friend will likely reach out for friends and it is wise for OP to proceed in a supportive, but guarded manner.

OP- I'm glad you chose to speak with her and that she eventually accepted your support. Just be sure to keep supporting BOTH of your friends.

Actually, it was the best thing that ever happened to me!! Bitterness, only in that I had to pay spousal support, (splitting assets was fair, we gained most together).
As far as Generalizations, no most people go through the same(you did).
In a war its very hard to support both sides, its even harder to support a liar!
OP- Could get hurt in the end, the only good that is comming out of this is she realized, that her husband/marriage is worth keeping!!

 

[leyna]

Actually, it was the best thing that ever happened to me!!

Me too

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

And if we dont agree with your little clique of yours...you know the one's that begin their conversation with a "Hi Ed" then we should not post our opinion? did anything I say sound like an apology? I happen to have a different opinion than you and your ilk and I will voice it.

See my earlier post.

Don't let Mr Ed upset you, he is one of Erica's groupies. He sucks-up to her hoping that one day she might let him sniff her panties.

 

[sassylilthang]

Becareful, your friends world is about to be torn apart, she will do anything to have someone on her side.( the lies and excuses will amaze you) As people find out she is a cheater, she will loose respect of friends and co-workers, her children(depending on age) may even stop speaking to her.
There is No, excuse, for cheating!! None, if your marriage sucks, walk away!!
Your friend will lie to you about everything/anything to keep you on her side.
The worst part, her husband will get fucked with the debt, and the divorce will cost him a fortune. He will have to give her half of all assets, retirement, and pay half of her debt(new car, credit cards, etc..), plus spousal support(if he makes more).
Before you ask, I know this, because, I have been though this. Almost all States are now no fault states. Its all about quality of life, moral values are not taken into consideration.
Why do you want to support, a so called friend (remember if she lies to her best friend-husband, she will lie to anyone), who fucked up her marriage, and now will fuck her husband over in the end? Worse she could do it to the next guy!!
Support her husband, he's the one hurting, and he has'nt even seen the darkest days of his life yet.

I agree with the majority of this post. Cheating is not acceptable. I have been on both sides. I cheated once. Instantly regretted it, and will never do it again. It was not a solution for the problems in my relationship. As the person who was cheated on, it does tear your world apart. In one day I lost the man I loved, the best friend I had.....and 4 kids I really loved. I lost other things, but that is a loong ass story. It took me a long time to get over the betrayal and hurt. I still struggle wit the loss of the kids, who I miss beyond belief.

Marcj, you are right....the lies, excuses are amazing. Some people will say anything to make themselves look good when they are in the wrong. Moving onto another person and putting on a very public display of how happy they are. Which is just humiliating for the person who got jilted. Publicly blaming the person they cheated on for there unhappiness. If ytou were so unhappy. Why stay?

I personally had a few concerned "friends" contact me and tell me stuff my ex did I never knew. And things he said about me post break up. I was so humiliated and heart broken. Even more so that I had been painted as a controlling, bitchy gf. No one knew what I went through, or put up with. He cheated, and I looked bad. The OP needs to remember there is ALWAYS 2 sides to the story. What your friend said is a small snippet of a whole situation.

As for the comment she may do it to the next guy. Yeah, she very well could. Why do I know this? I was the mistress, then I became the gf. When I caught my ex, I became the new ex.....and his fling became his new gf. Haha, sadness gone...***** transformed for him. Yay! Just cheat and your life can be magically transformed!!!! Who cares about love and respect, when lieing and cheating is so easy!

Am I bitter? No. I have moved on, and my life has improved way beyond what it could have had I stayed in that relationship. Am I still single, yeah. By choice. I believe even more strongly now that cheating is unacceptable, and once a cheater always a cheater.

 

[SweetErika]

Don't let Mr Ed upset you, he is one of Erica's groupies. He sucks-up to her hoping that one day she might let him sniff her panties.

He doesn't need to suck up. For one thing, I respect his mind and heart immensely. For another, he has a lovely, open-minded, sexually-aware wife for any panty-sniffing or other pleasure, unlike the desperate losers here who have to resort to deceit and hookers to get their rocks off.

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

Well, she and I met for lunch yesterday and I talked to her about it. I'm generally a strong communicator and brought it up gently from the P.O.V. of a concerned friend. Concerned about the health of her marriage and about her behavior at the party. I said, "I've been feeling very worried about you over the past couple weeks. I'm not sure you were aware of what was on the phone or how many people may have seen what was on your phone's screen. I care about you and your family and want you to know you have a friend here. "

I was expecting that she'd express guilt or sadness or concern that people (coworkers...this was a work party) may know. The conversation did not go well. She became defensive and asked me if I was going to tell her husband. I had trouble responding to this without tearing up. I started to answer (stammer, really) and she cut me off with body language and told me that she was fine, that she was happy, and that nothing is going on but flirting. Then she got up and left.

She called about 2 hours later and apologized, said she was shocked, that she hadn't realized she'd been so careless at the party. She confided that she and her husband have been having serious problems for some time and that she's miserable. In tears she asked if we could get together again and said that she definitely needs a friend right now.

Thanks for all the advice (and the entertaining arguments, lol). I'm glad I brought this up with her. Although the initial conversation didn't go well, I'm sure it's a fairly expected and human reaction to become defensive.

There is only one problem with this, her husband already knows or he wouldn’t have mentioned it to you and your husband. If a man isn’t reasonable sure about something this serious, he won’t bring up to his friends. A woman might, but a man generally won’t. And secondly, she isn’t flirting, the message said, “I can't wait to fuck you again.”

The problem is, sooner or later her husband is going to confront her about this and since you are the only one she is sure knows about her infidelity, she is going to be convinced that you told him.

She isn’t screwing this guy because she is having trouble at home; she is having trouble at home because she is screwing this guy. Men aren’t as stupid as women think they are. When a woman suddenly starts making changes in her life for no apparent reason, (like suddenly losing weight, buying a new car without consulting her husband, or even suddenly dressing differently), a man knows the reason. Trust me, her husband already knows.

What happens next is most likely going to depend on whether her husband thinks the marriage is worth saving, or if he is done with it and wants a divorce. If he asks her for a divorce, be prepared for your friend to blame you for breaking up her marriage. Rarely will you ever meet a woman who blames herself for screwing up her marriage. It is always someone else's fault.

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

I respect his mind and heart immensely.

Is that what they call it now? LOL

 

[SweetErika]

The problem is, sooner or later her husband is going to confront her about this and since you are the only one she is sure knows about her infidelity, she is going to be convinced that you told him.

J said she told the friend that a bunch of other people could have seen the text, so I think her ass is covered on that count.

She isn’t screwing this guy because she is having trouble at home; she is having trouble at home because she is screwing this guy.

You don't know that. Without another component like addiction present, women almost always cheat because they're not getting what they need from their significant others, whether that's affection, sex, feeling desired, emotional support, or similar. Surely the marriage IS being impacted by the cheating and behavioral changes, but it was undoubtedly already severely damaged to some extent before the cheating started.

 

[Boundlife]

Rarely will you ever meet a woman who blames herself for screwing up her marriage. It is always someone else's fault.

It's rare to meet anyone who takes responsibility for screwing up their marriage. If speeding tickets aren't their fault, how can anything be?

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

It's rare to meet anyone who takes responsibility for screwing up their marriage. If speeding tickets aren't their fault, how can anything be?

Avoiding responsibility is the American way. In our society today, it's unpatriotic to take responsibility.

 

[sassylilthang]

It's rare to meet anyone who takes responsibility for screwing up their marriage. If speeding tickets aren't their fault, how can anything be?

I wholeheartedly agree. Even if the relationship is fractured, cheating involves a choice. There is intent to lie and deceive your partner. If things are bad, and you ask your partner to help you improve them...then you need to move on, or put your foot down and force a change. But saying "my husband doesn't pay me enough attention", or "my wife doesn't want sex", is not a valid excuse for cheating.

And if you make the choice to cheat, there will be repercussions for your actions.

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

I wholeheartedly agree. Even if the relationship is fractured, cheating involves a choice. There is intent to lie and deceive your partner. If things are bad, and you ask your partner to help you improve them...then you need to move on, or put your foot down and force a change. But saying "my husband doesn't pay me enough attention", or "my wife doesn't want sex", is not a valid excuse for cheating.

And if you make the choice to cheat, there will be repercussions for your actions.

I like your attitude.

 

[sassylilthang]

I like your attitude.

Thanks Groucho!

 

[silverwhisper]

nasty deeds, i love that you insist that you've got me on iggy but obviously don't. i love that your hypocrisy that started with your first few dozen posts continues so deliciously consistently.

what's so delightfully tasty about your brand of hypocrisy of course is that like a first-timer giving his or her first blowjob, you stumble on something so fundamental. you bristle at any hint of religion or faith, yet you go right on defining yourself through the lens of immorality that fundamentalists keep forcing on you. it's like watching a drowning man trying to drink his way out of his problem.

and that's why your continued presence here will never not be funny to me.

ed

 

[satindesire]

nasty deeds, i love that you insist that you've got me on iggy but obviously don't. i love that your hypocrisy that started with your first few dozen posts continues so deliciously consistently.

what's so delightfully tasty about your brand of hypocrisy of course is that like a first-timer giving his or her first blowjob, you stumble on something so fundamental. you bristle at any hint of religion or faith, yet you go right on defining yourself through the lens of immorality that fundamentalists keep forcing on you. it's like watching a drowning man trying to drink his way out of his problem.

and that's why your continued presence here will never not be funny to me.

ed

And this is why Lit needs a "like" button.

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

nasty deeds, i love that you insist that you've got me on iggy but obviously don't. i love that your hypocrisy that started with your first few dozen posts continues so deliciously consistently.

what's so delightfully tasty about your brand of hypocrisy of course is that like a first-timer giving his or her first blowjob, you stumble on something so fundamental. you bristle at any hint of religion or faith, yet you go right on defining yourself through the lens of immorality that fundamentalists keep forcing on you. it's like watching a drowning man trying to drink his way out of his problem.

and that's why your continued presence here will never not be funny to me.

ed

I never said that I put you on ignore, in fact I don't put anyone on ignore. It's too much fun picking on dickwad groupies like yourself. LOL

Maybe if you talk real nice to Erica, she will let you sniff her panties. LOL