The cheating friend

[Somehowyou]

i see the usual infidelity apologists are out in force.

ed

And if we dont agree with your little clique of yours...you know the one's that begin their conversation with a "Hi Ed" then we should not post our opinion? did anything I say sound like an apology? I happen to have a different opinion than you and your ilk and I will voice it.

See my earlier post.

 

[HornyVikingMN]

Sage Advice

As I often do, I agree with SweetErika on this one. http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=38026441&postcount=6

Someone very wise once told me, after I had gotten myself in a situation I shouldn't have, to "Never get involved in a family fight."

You're in a really tough spot because you have loyalties to both parties, but in spite of that I think the best solution is to go to the woman and confront the situation directly. The angle that you're concerned about her and her family is the right approach. Keep your own history out of it - it's not relevant to this conversation. It's about her behavior and her family, not you.

The fact is, at this point you don't have proof of anything - just an incriminating text message and some newly erratic behavior. As much as I might want to know if I were the husband, I would respect your position if it all blows up in the end. You can support and empathize with him, and even agree that her behavior is odd and that you're concerned, without spilling the beans.

 

[satindesire]

The thing that concerns me is the fact that she's friends with the husband as well, you know? A lot of people that I've spoken to personally about this subject, and who have commented on subjects like this who have been the Spouse and who have later found out that friends KNEW and didn't say anything...that hurts. The Spouse wants to know, "Why didn't you TELL me?! It would have saved me so much trouble!"

Often we overestimate how well we can perceive people that we are in relationships with. It's easy to see infidelity and dishonesty when we're an objective perspective, but love blinds us to MANY behaviors. Remember, we're dealing with an extremely unique position...we have knowledge and we can't assume the husband KNOWS that she's cheating.

Also remember, in this unique case, the husband only THINKS she's cheating, he doesn't know for sure, I'm pretty sure if he was willing to talk about the fact that he thought she was cheating, if he knew for sure he'd be open enough to admit that fact, too.

Not getting involved isn't denying you know something. And being silent is as good as approving of her behavior, in my eyes at least.

 

[Eilan]

The thing that concerns me is the fact that she's friends with the husband as well, you know? A lot of people that I've spoken to personally about this subject, and who have commented on subjects like this who have been the Spouse and who have later found out that friends KNEW and didn't say anything...that hurts. The Spouse wants to know, "Why didn't you TELL me?! It would have saved me so much trouble!"

Often we overestimate how well we can perceive people that we are in relationships with. It's easy to see infidelity and dishonesty when we're an objective perspective, but love blinds us to MANY behaviors. Remember, we're dealing with an extremely unique position...we have knowledge and we can't assume the husband KNOWS that she's cheating.

Also remember, in this unique case, the husband only THINKS she's cheating, he doesn't know for sure, I'm pretty sure if he was willing to talk about the fact that he thought she was cheating, if he knew for sure he'd be open enough to admit that fact, too.

Not getting involved isn't denying you know something. And being silent is as good as approving of her behavior, in my eyes at least.

I tend to agree with this, particularly the part that I bolded.

If I had found out that any of my "friends" knew what my ex had been up to and didn't tell me, I sure wouldn't consider them my friends.

 

[satindesire]

I tend to agree with this, particularly the part that I bolded.

If I had found out that any of my "friends" knew what my ex had been up to and didn't tell me, I sure wouldn't consider them my friends.

EXACTLY!

It's easy to say "stay out of it", but it's not very "friend-like" to basically ignore the fact that you know something that is literally hurting someone, and won't tell them out of fear of repercussions. People report crime to police even though they might get hurt because of it, because it's the right thing to do.

The only thing for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing.

 

[twister947]

And if we dont agree with your little click of yours...you know the one's that begin their conversation with a "Hi Ed" then we should not post our opinion? did anything I say sound like an apology? I happen to have a different opinion than you and your ilk and I will voice it.

See my earlier post.

Not exactly what I was thinking, but close enough.

 

[Somehowyou]

EXACTLY!

It's easy to say "stay out of it", but it's not very "friend-like" to basically ignore the fact that you know something that is literally hurting someone, and won't tell them out of fear of repercussions. People report crime to police even though they might get hurt because of it, because it's the right thing to do.

The only thing for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing.

But Satin - this is not a crime. I have seen first hand what happens to the "Narc" in too many cases. If the wife decides she wants to get back together she will change the story. Jilted hubby will want to believe the story. Guess who turns out to be the villian? It is not the OP's responsibility to police other marriges. Besides, the OP is not that stable herself. Maybe the jilted lover crying on her shoulders is not healthy either. This situation will spells disaster. the guys pretty much knows anyway. We all pretty much know when this kind of thing is happening anyway. We can feel it in our gut.

Sexiest Avatar - Satin Dreams
Most disgusting - Eilan

My work is done here

 

[satindesire]

But Satin - this is not a crime. I have seen first hand what happens to the "Narc" in too many cases. If the wife decides she wants to get back together she will change the story. Jilted hubby will want to believe the story. Guess who turns out to be the villian? It is not the OP's responsibility to police other marriges. Besides, the OP is not that stable herself. Maybe the jilted lover crying on her shoulders is not healthy either. This situation will spells disaster. the guys pretty much knows anyway. We all pretty much know when this kind of thing is happening anyway. We can feel it in our gut.

Sexiest Avatar - Satin Dreams
Most disgusting - Eilan

My work is done here

I couldn't care less what you think of my avatar. I find you a completely objectionable person with the moral radar of a cockroach. Don't speak to me, you make me want to vomit.

 

[culloden]

What's your obligation here? First, the wife put you in a terrible spot, one where you either have to tell the husband about his wife's behavior or lie to him if only through omission. She's not a good friend to you.

I think you have an obligation to tell the husband. He is the wronged party here. And if I were him, I'd want to know and would eventually be grateful.

But if you still want to remain a faithful friend to the wife, isn't telling her husband a betrayal? Well, maybe. Sometimes there's a price to be paid for your own integrity. You might sit down with the wife, explain the situation she's put you in, and say you're going to tell the husband about the text. That gives the wife a chance to come clean before you say anything to the husband.

Odds are you might lose one or of both these people as friends. But you'll keep your self respect, which is ultimately more important.

 

[bailadora]

Sometimes there's a price to be paid for your own integrity.

<snip>

Odds are you might lose one or of both these people as friends. But you'll keep your self respect, which is ultimately more important.

Word.

 

[bailadora]

It's easy to say "stay out of it", but it's not very "friend-like" to basically ignore the fact that you know something that is literally hurting someone, and won't tell them out of fear of repercussions.

This has been tapping away at the back of my mind since yesterday and today, it finally hit me as to why. Isn't this the heart of the of anti-bullying campaign we're trying to endow in our kids? That when you know someone is hurting someone else, it's your obligation to speak up, even though you might lose some friends, even though it might be hard. That the easy or the popular path is not always the right path. How can we expect our kids to take the moral high ground if we're not willing to do it ourselves?

(Note: this is not directed at any one person in particular. Just as a general observation).

 

[satindesire]

This has been tapping away at the back of my mind since yesterday and today, it finally hit me as to why. Isn't this the heart of the of anti-bullying campaign we're trying to endow in our kids? That when you know someone is hurting someone else, it's your obligation to speak up, even though you might lose some friends, even though it might be hard. That the easy or the popular path is not always the right path. How can we expect our kids to take the moral high ground if we're not willing to do it ourselves?

(Note: this is not directed at any one person in particular. Just as a general observation).

You...are...ABSOLUTELY...right.

You hit the nail on the head.

The culture of "snitches get stitches" causes more problems, and solves NONE.

The right path isn't easy. Being morally sound isn't always fun. But you can look yourself in the mirror knowing that you are not only a good person who does what's right no matter what the consequences, but you are an example to your children.

 

[Somehowyou]

I couldn't care less what you think of my avatar. I find you a completely objectionable person with the moral radar of a cockroach. Don't speak to me, you make me want to vomit.

The why don't you put me on ignore?

BTW - I do like your avatar

 

[thirty]

but I don't really want to confide that I was in a similar position in the not-too-distant past.

You mean you used to have an affair and she knew it?
But you also mentioned that you didn't fuck anyone else, I was confused?

 

[bailadora]

You mean you used to have an affair and she knew it?
But you also mentioned that you didn't fuck anyone else, I was confused?

Yes, you're confused. J was contemplating an affair because she was unhappy. In the end, she decided against that and opted instead to work with her husband to improve her marriage.

 

[satindesire]

The why don't you put me on ignore?

BTW - I do like your avatar

Yes, I know. You've stated that like three times now. Are you too simple to move on to a different subject now or are you going to continue talking about the "purty picture hurr hurr" like the Slingblade guy?

You mean you used to have an affair and she knew it?
But you also mentioned that you didn't fuck anyone else, I was confused?

Yes, you're confused. J was contemplating an affair because she was unhappy. In the end, she decided against that and opted instead to work with her husband to improve her marriage.

Don't bother telling him about things like "opted instead to work with her husband to improve her marriage", he doesn't comprehend basic human kindness like that.

 

[understated]

So yes I talked with her, she knew my feelings on the whole matter. She knew I had no approval of what she was doing. She still did it anyways and I'm wondering if it was even worth giving her the advice she kept asking for since she didn't listen.

God, I can sympathize with this feeling, but I think it worth mentioning.
When we tell our friends things to stop them from destroying themselves, it's because we don't want them to destroy themselves, not because we want them to do what we tell them to.
I mean, really, it's usually a little of both, sure.
But as frustrated and sick as her actions made you (or they made me, at least), think how much worse you'd feel if you'd said nothing.

To the OP.
I think the people counselling caution make a very good point. There is some risk there. On the other hand, you have to live with yourself. To me, a real friend would offer help, unwanted or not. I understand you aren't as tight with her as you once were, but it seems as if there is still a bond there.
Do what's right.

 

[understated]

Yes, I know. You've stated that like three times now. Are you too simple to move on to a different subject now or are you going to continue talking about the "purty picture hurr hurr" like the Slingblade guy?

HEY! Slingblade guy was awesome with motors, and he had a very clear moral compass.

Unless you meant the Dwight Yoakam character.

 

[satindesire]

HEY! Slingblade guy was awesome with motors, and he had a very clear moral compass.

Unless you meant the Dwight Yoakam character.

I meant his (Slingblade guy) mental faculties and mannerisms, not his excellent moral compass.

 

[understated]

I meant his (Slingblade guy) mental faculties and mannerisms, not his excellent moral compass.

well yes
there is that

but it is a purty pitcher
hurr hurr

 

[satindesire]

well yes
there is that

but it is a purty pitcher
hurr hurr

I'm starting to see that's been the general consensus.

 

[Somehowyou]

I meant his (Slingblade guy) mental faculties and mannerisms, not his excellent moral compass.

And you know what they say about their sex drives? I guess I have that in common...umhum

 

[unregistered]

 

[satindesire]

Well, she and I met for lunch yesterday and I talked to her about it. I'm generally a strong communicator and brought it up gently from the P.O.V. of a concerned friend. Concerned about the health of her marriage and about her behavior at the party. I said, "I've been feeling very worried about you over the past couple weeks. I'm not sure you were aware of what was on the phone or how many people may have seen what was on your phone's screen. I care about you and your family and want you to know you have a friend here. "

I was expecting that she'd express guilt or sadness or concern that people (coworkers...this was a work party) may know. The conversation did not go well. She became defensive and asked me if I was going to tell her husband. I had trouble responding to this without tearing up. I started to answer (stammer, really) and she cut me off with body language and told me that she was fine, that she was happy, and that nothing is going on but flirting. Then she got up and left.

She called about 2 hours later and apologized, said she was shocked, that she hadn't realized she'd been so careless at the party. She confided that she and her husband have been having serious problems for some time and that she's miserable. In tears she asked if we could get together again and said that she definitely needs a friend right now.

Thanks for all the advice (and the entertaining arguments, lol). I'm glad I brought this up with her. Although the initial conversation didn't go well, I'm sure it's a fairly expected and human reaction to become defensive.

I am so glad that everything is looking a little brighter for her and her husband.

Now is the critical time in which a strong shoulder to lean on could make or break this situation. I'm sure your understanding support and compassion is going to really help her and her husband out.

 

[aniowachick]

I found out my best friends husband was cheating on her. Feeling I was doing the right thing, I old her everything and even offered answers as to where he was when he didnt come home.. She had someone else telling her what they saw etc.

Well, she chose to believe him! His lies were ridiculous and I couldnt believe she went for it.

It ended our friendship.. yea we still talk on face book but I know now, I should have stayed out of it and kept to myself.

I would stay out of it.