The Candi Collection -- feedback requested

[NakedDesire]

Hi,

I've just had my very first story approved and would welcome feedback. I've provided a link below, but for info the story is called "The Candi Collection" and it resides in the "Erotic Couplings" section.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=432119

Many thanks

ND

 

[_Lynn_]

The POV drew me out of the story.

You use the ellipsis far too much.

There are punctuation issues throughout.

Because the piece is so short, I never learned enough about the characters to care one way or the other about them.

Not bad, for a first story.

I know this isn't much. Maybe someone else will offer a few thoughts as well.


Just my opinion.

 

[NicoliEstovich]

Ah, I love it when my pert breasts escape, bursting forth for all the world to see (me especially).

I have to agree with the Mistress, I don't dig 2nd person POV thing. I can deal with an "I" but a "You" just smells of a video game, less the video or the game part.

That being said, not a bad tale. It's quick, to the point, and the point is of a sudsy, pantiless lying on the floor sort, so I can't complain about that. I do have to say, it seemed a bit abrupt, and the fact that it ends with her getting a ginorous check for her "efforts" kind of makes the "you" of the tale feel like a whore.

Who knows, maybe I'm just a prude who likes to be bough dinner afterward

You might want to give it a once-over, as some of your sentences meander a bit. I think that's a penalty you'll pay for the odd POV perspective (it's hard for sentences to flow naturally in such a format... to me anyway) but there were a couple of things that could probably be buttered up fora smoother effect.

Keep up the work, and I'll be happy to give your next tale my one-handed typists solute!!!

- Nicoli.

 

[starscape]

Count me among those who's not crazy about Second Person. That being said, I thought you did a good job with it. I thought your descriptions were very sensual, and liked little details such as the buttons flying and the sound of them landing all over the floor. Her reaction when he was caressing her legs was quite erotic.

I have to agree you used way too many ellipses. Great during the conversation, but I believe using them sparingly in the narrative gives them more impact when they do appear. I think you can get the same effect of "trailing off" through word choice. Some sentences could be slow and languid when you're trying to get across savoring the sensations. Other times you can use action words and perhaps shorter sentences to get across the idea of urgency.

Watch your paragraph length. I generally try to keep to no more than 8-10 lines (eight is my usual max with a few tens sprinkled in if needed.). It's hard on the eyes to scan large blocks of text on a computer screen.

I do agree with NicoliEstovich that some of your sentences got wordy, and that the action started pretty abruptly. Would've been nice to see some tension building up to the deed. You definitely had the right idea and used some nice imagery. Just do a bit more of it so would help IMO. I think getting down to business immediately contributed to the feeling the check afterward seemed a little "dirty". Perhaps it would have seemed less so if they had discussed the Candi Collection first. During the discussion describe the tension building between them. That way when they do get it on you've got the characters realistically hot and bothered as well as your readers.

I think you have talent. Congrats on your first story.

 

[NakedDesire]

Thanks for the feedback. There are a lot of very useful pointers that I'll take on board if I decide to embark on another story.

This story was originally written for a friend, using a scenario that would strike a chord with her -- hence the POV. I tend to agree that this doesn't necessarily work unless you can imagine yourself in that situation. And even then, it may come across rather clumsily.

starscape -- thanks for the suggestion about building up the tension more. I'd certainly want my readers to feel the same tension as the characters.

Finally, I know I have a real problem with ellipses...in fact there I go again. Can anyone help...or do I have to go through life with this affliction?

ND

 

[starscape]

You're welcome. I'm glad you found the feedback useful.

You definitely should write again. You seem to have a natural affinity for it. The other stuff is fixable, and the more you write the better you get. Hell, I wrote a novel that I've posted a chapter at a time over nearly six months' time, and the later chapters are much better written than the previous ones because I learned so much as I was writing it. 'Course now I'll have to go back some time and revise/resubmit so the quality's consistent, but that's me. LOL

 

[CWatson]

As to ellipses, simple matter: after you finish with your story, do a "Find" for them. Change as many of them as you can. That'll get you into the habit of questioning them the instant you type them, not just later after the fact; and eventually you'll stop overusing them because your Internal Editor will be trained to catch them.

(It's also a good idea to do that with the adverb phrase 'ly' at the end of every story. Obviously, this causes problems if you have a character named Lynn, but, well, that's the price you pay.)

 

[Dragonstaff]

Are you British or American?

I noticed the English spelling of "favour" (with the "u") and the rather British reference to her "bum hole" along with the very American "ass" instead of "arse". I don't think I have seen an obvious American use anything but "asshole" or the occasional "butt-hole". I also noticed the American "check" rather than "cheque".

I don't mind which set of spelling and slang terms are used, British or American, but consistancy is important.

Overall a good story, although I agree that it went too fast, and I look forward to reading more from you.

 

[NakedDesire]

You certainly are very perceptive, Dragonstaff.

To answer your question, I am British but I wrote the story for an American friend. I guess I was consciously trying to make the story appealing and relevant to her, whilst subconsciously using the regular English spelling. It seems I ended up with a mixture!!!

Interesting you picked up on this.

ND

 

[Dragonstaff]

I'm Australian, and we tend to mix and match a lot of spelling etc. these days, so I am probably a bit better placed to pick it up.