The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, LIT style!

[ariosto]

Yeah I know, what's this doing here but where else do I put it and anyway this is sort of home for me.

Here's what it is...

The Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest is an actual yearly literary event in which contestants write the most atrocious opening sentence to a hypothetical dreadful novel.
Here's an example...
"It was larger than she thought it would be, and she stared in horror as the oblong fleshy object, foamy white substance escaping from one end, loomed towards her, and she squealed in mock terror,"no matter what you try to make me do, I will not put that THING in my mouth...even if Twinkies are an American tradition."

I thought it might be nice to try it here at our beloved LIT.
No contest though...
Just for fun and watch your grammer!


PS:
You can look up the current winners of the actual contest on the web. I dont have the addy but type Bulwer Lytton fiction Contest in your search engine and it will get you there.

Enjoy....

 

[ariosto]

Confessions of an Errant Soul

My cock lay coiled, soft as boiled squash in her hand as she slowly stroked it, willing it to a rampant formidability which alas it had never known, since being the son of an evangelist I'd been taught such states of repellent arousal were not only unnatural but also attracted sinful women like flies on a dog turd but I knew Amy wasn't one of those so I let her try anyway.

 

[ariosto]

Hot Nights on the Red Planet


The green skinned vixen's mammaries burst from her bustier like sky rockets on the fourth of July back on earth where by now they'd be wondering where we were but to be honest as the alien temptress drew my head down to those enticing viridian teats which resembled the delicious watermelons we'd consume on the warm afternoon of the Fourth before we set the rockets loose to shatter the summer evening, I didn't give a damn.

 

[ariosto]

Fifi of SunnyBrook Farm


"Come to me baby" he said, smiling that big sick gap toothed smile of his that reminded me of an open sewer and unzipping his greasy overalls with an obscene jerking of his hips which I guess was supposed to turn me on but didn't since my hands were full of wet laundry and I'd rather jack off a boar hog anyway.

 

[ariosto]

Cross Country Dreamin


Wind whipped across the flat prarie and pasted the thin dress to the lush body of the girl who looked so out of place standing by the wreckage of the yellow piper cub, tears drying on her dusty cheeks as I slowed down and stopped my minivan close enough to see the taught straining of her breasts beneath the sheer white silk of her blouse suddenly gone crimson as the plane behind her exploded in a huge fireball and her boyfriend told me to get lost.

 

[Why]

Wind whipped her face, missing the wobbly bits. This were a bloody mistake 'cause William Ian Nigel Davis were trying to hit the wobbly bits.

 

[Why]

Karl;

Karl handled his dick like a man. A man who had downed 21 pints and couldn't get up the kerb, let alone where Victoria wanted his dick to be.

 

[captainb]

An orgy of colored lights flashed through Bert's brain as his body shivered and convulsed, Betty's fingers tightly interlaced with his as she shrieked and an incredible wetness soaked into the curly hairs around his groin, their mutual panting mingling with his cry as they crested the pinnacle together just before the roller coaster car began its descent down the rickety tracks.

 

[Subo97]

A Tale of Two Clities

It was the best of sex, it was the worst of sex; he was satisfied, she was mystified; he thought she was hot, she thought he was not; he started snoring, she thought it was boring.

 

[chanaud]

Catcher in the Rye

If you really want to hear how I’ve become a Literocian authoress, the first thing you’ll probably want to read is my first erotic story, and how wet and proud I was of it, and how my English teacher redlined through the multiple orgasmic end and gave me an F, and how it all affected my writing profession, and all that Harold Robbins kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, I’ll just let you read the whole damn thread.

 

[Miltone]

Film Noir Detective Story

Kirk Steele, Private Dick, knew only too well that he should keep his thick raging 10-inch monster in his pants, but when he saw the tall slinky blonde dame saunter into the outer office of his 42nd Street walkup, her eyes blue as Antarctic ice, her hips swaying like an exotic Chinese pendulum, her full breasts sitting high and proud like a pair of brand new Brunswick bowling balls, and her unlit cigarette dangling from her red velvety lips like a dry torch begging to be enflamed on a hot day, he knew that he was a goner and that he’d either be driving the big pink bus into tuna town by noon or he’d be in the men’s room yanking the snake until he exploded like a 20-inch bottle rocket on the Fourth of July.

 

[Why]

Sharpe’s Pointy Thing;

It was big, long and had tassels. It put the fear of buggery into the French. But as far as the Marquesa was concerned she intended to use it long and hard till it seized up and rusted.

 

[captainb]

Driving the big pink bus into tuna town

OMG, that is hilarious!!

*************

Brian slowly crawled up the bed towards the naked ass, its twin mounds of smooth flesh pale and dimpled and round as the deeply rolling hills of northern West Virginia after two days of Lake Michigan snow, remnants of the blizzard which entombed Chicago earlier in the week under three and a half feet of icy, silent white and left the streets lined with rounded drifts over frozen cars, round and white much like the cheeks of Hillary's ass, he thought, noting the light snores that started to come from her and suddenly wondering if there was any beer in the refrigerator.

 

[ariosto]

Prologue to 'Swine and Tease'

The instigator of this literary 'poof' sat in front of his monitor chuckling, a sound which seemed to alarm both dogs and horses who were loudly baying and neighing in response to the unaccustomed sounds of mirth which drifted from the stark and gloomy confines of his frozen studio, but far from rudely disturbing his intense delight at seeing his creation, (well his and that Bulwer Lytton guys), attracting the attentions of his fellow Literaricans, the barnyard cacophany served only to inspire him to begin his infamous tale of rural lust and shocking bestiality.

 

[ariosto]

Swine and Tease


The attraction of the fat black pig for Gwendolyn was a puzzle to her father Emil Lunk, a hardworking Lutheran farmer who's 40 acres of flat Minnesota farmland now lay covered in a thick blanket of snow, hard white snow which contrasted startlingly with the coal black bristles of the excited porker as it cavorted with his blonde tressed and nubile daughter in ways that Missus Lunk found so disturbing that she left her tall silent husband standing by the window peering out at the strangely matched pair and turned her attention to Ralph the Great Dane who gave her the affection so lacking in her empty marriage.

 

[Miltone]

Murder By The Numbers In Accounting 102

Professor Ronald D. Smith just knew that every cubic inch of her story was all wrong, from the moment that she took only 6 steps to walk into his accounting classroom, her 38DD bust line bursting through the seams of her $69 size 6 dress, bought at Target’s 50% off post-Christmas sale, that was pulled snug over her voluptuous size 12 body, making his 7 ½-inch cock surge upward in his size 32 Fruit-Of-The-Loom boxer briefs, to when she took her seat careful to keep her knees 89 mm apart, enough to show off her 0.05 mil sheer white panties, and looked up to him, her rouged lips parting 0.250 inches to show off the first 0.1875 inches of her sweet pink tongue, he rose up to his full height, which was approximately 69.73587 inches, and puffed his chest out an additional 3.75 inches and asked her, “Miss Haynes, do you realize that you are nearly 5.875 minutes late?”

 

[Moi]

"But incest isn't proper, is it, Father dear?" my eighteen-year-and-ten-second aged convent-raised daughter asked as she slipped out of her habit.

 

[Why]

British comedy Classic; The Titfield Thunderbolt.

Arthur's hand rubbed up the inside of Mavis' thighs. "By heck lass, I can feel the heat of your firebox from here. " He rasped (the affect of inhaling the smoke from the engine having destroyed his vocal cords.)

"Well, stick your bolt in there luv and watch the gauge go into the red, chuck." Mavis lisped taking a final drag on her woodbine, before flicking it back into the coal bunker.

Arthur obliged, his gauge overheated and his valve stuck, resulting in his train blowing its gasket before Mavis was half way down the track.

"Bloody train drivers, " Mavis cursed as she looked for her knickers, " never arrive on time"

 

[ariosto]

Fast Times at Aaardvark High...

"FUCK ME HARDER! OHGODJACKFUCKMELIKEANANIMAL!!!",she said tightening her thighs around the wiry form of Little Jack Wilson the boy they never thought would get to firstbase with any girl but especially Gretchen, the tall sexy exchange student from Copenhagen that was giving every male at Aardvark High School wet dreams, like the one he was having right now and wouldn't you know it, there goes the damned alarm clock just as he's about to shoot his load....again.

 

[Why]

Whithering Heights.

His prick whithered when it was at its height. "Damn" Heathcliffe swore as his cock deflated like a popped ballon. "should not have had that last pint"

"You said it" Kathy replied and pulled the checked rug from under him and started down off the moor.

"Kathy! Kathy!" Heathcliffe's mornful cry carried over the heather all the way to Skipton.

 

[ariosto]

Lord of the Manor


Grunting like a rutting boar hog, Lord Carlton thrust his rapier of hot dripping flesh into the quivering quim of Maude the serving wench and part time nanny, making her whinny like a mare in heat while the entire domestic staff of Hardwick castle looked on and cheered like so many bawdy patrons of the village cockfights on Sunday afternoons held behind the Vicker's house weather permitting.

 

[ariosto]

Debbie Norris the Receptionist Who Couldn't

"You'll never be able to have normal sex again Miss Winqwyst", Doctor Miles Lungg said as he stood, back towards the sobbing girl, staring out the tall windows over the midtown rooftops far below the 77th floor office that he shared with his colleague Doctor Dominic Flane, who even now was on his way to Cabo San Lucas with his sexy new mistress and probably wondering if Doctor Lungg had given her the real reason whyhe couldn't.

 

[Original_Cyn2]

She woke up bemused, confused and distinctly unamused, her fingertips running lightly over the sore throbbing areas that would soon darken into bruised angry flesh. Feeling the heavy calf that pinned hers to the bed she glanced over at the soundly sleeping redneck she’d found so fascinating in her drunken state of oblivion the night before.

Shame and anger flooded her as she remembered the humiliating, degrading and uneducated definition the figure next to her had considered kinky sex. In a heartbeat those emotions were swept aside in bewilderment, searching her memory for the faintest trace of remembrance as her glance swept across the mountain of nude male and obscenely obese flesh that sprawled on the far side of the redneck next to her. She may not remember where he came from but she was satisfied he had not participated in their play last night.

A subtle, mocking and devious grin crept across her features as she pulled herself slowly from beneath the heavy calf and quietly off the bed, searching for her scattered clothing. She dressed quickly and then stooped over the snoring redneck, her fingertips drawing intimate pictures across the skin of his palm. She smiled to herself as she watched him harden in his sleep, a hand reaching out searching for her and coming up across the broad expanse of the other occupant. She retreated to the cheap door of the walkup flat as she watched the redneck creep closer to the mound of flesh, chuckling softly as she heard the responding rasp of interest from the unconscious mountain next to him. She slipped out the door, vengeance a dish well served, cold and sober.

 

[patrick1]

Call me, Ishmael, is it so much to ask to just pick up the phone, I mean, I'm your mother aren't I?

 

[Original_Cyn2]

*LMAO*

The fun thing about lit is there is no inflection...the scary thing is that this passage quotes, tone or no tone, my mother *laughing*.,..nice job, great for a laugh.

Call me, Ishmael, is it so much to ask to just pick up the phone, I mean, I'm your mother aren't I?