The Brokens

[Homburg]

The mark of a real man is not to not make mistakes. The mark of a real man is to own up to them and try to make the situation better. Were you to do anything else, you'd be a coward.

*nods*

Well, you know how I feel about cowards. To be frank, I'm the first person to point out my own errors generally, and I've spent time apologising to her over this too, as my hand certainly played a part.

We've had a few more good talks since. A lot of talking going on. Good stuff now, though, not the yelling and accusations and harsh words of before. I'm sure there will be more harsh words, but, for now at least, we're being civil. We even laughed a bit....

One day at a time, one hour at a time.

 

[BiBunny]

*nods*

Well, you know how I feel about cowards. To be frank, I'm the first person to point out my own errors generally, and I've spent time apologising to her over this too, as my hand certainly played a part.

We've had a few more good talks since. A lot of talking going on. Good stuff now, though, not the yelling and accusations and harsh words of before. I'm sure there will be more harsh words, but, for now at least, we're being civil. We even laughed a bit....

One day at a time, one hour at a time.

Alas, if fewer "men" were cowards, we women would be far better off. Hint, hint, motherfucker, because I know you still stalk me.

Best of luck to both you and V., Homburg.

 

[Homburg]

Alas, if fewer "men" were cowards, we women would be far better off. Hint, hint, motherfucker, because I know you still stalk me.

Best of luck to both you and V., Homburg.

Thank you, BiBunny. And I cannot express how deeply I agree with you on how much better not just women, but everyone, would be if less "men" were cowards. Wow, that behaviour just burns me.

 

[coy_one]

Broken but mended

I have been broken, more times than not.
My tale is long, but the only way to understand is to have some background. I am currently in the throes of separation from my husband. While I started out as a great communicator, he never really was… but he appeared to have his heart in the right place. When our son was born, I herniated the last disc above my tailbone in my spine. I had severe post partum depression as well. I felt that my husband failed me at that time…. We had moved away from family and friends and I felt alone. He rarely ever spoke, he tried to solve the problems the best he could, but really, I was mostly upset over not just his shortcomings, but my own – and my own family. My Mother came to help me with the baby, and instead told me that she was too depressed and basically went home the following day – when she was expected to stay for a week.
It was during this time, that I had past issues that surfaced. I was ultimately dx’d with post traumatic stress disorder.
I had also past feelings about a guy I had dated in high school, which is when the trauma happened. I became a bit stunted in my emotional growth at that point of the trauma.
I had an emotional affair with him. My husband knew – told me that it was important for me to figure out what I wanted. Ultimately, while I tried to understand the trauma that I underwent, and I tried to talk to that exboyfriend from high school, he eventually quit talking to me. I then gave him up completely as a friend at that time in my life, and focused on working on myself and my marriage.
That sent me reeling out of control. Also, since I started to go through very extreme therapy for PTSD, I hit rock bottom. I had days I was so down that I wondered if I’d ever see happiness again. Add to it, my back problem – and my husband now had basically decided to instead of talk to me – he just began withdrawing completely. The husband and I went through one therapy session together. In which, I was talking about how I was under doctor’s orders not to mop the floor. The therapist asked my husband why he didn’t want to do it, and he just laughed. So, my therapist told him that he needed to suck it up and do it. One and a half years later, he still was not mopping the floor. I had reached the point where I just got on my hands and knees and did it a la Cinderella style. I felt alone in that realm.
Time went on, and I eventually overcame the trauma and what it did to me roughly 1.5 years from the “awakening” – that is the term that is sometimes used when people don’t process trauma, but instead suppress it until something triggers them.
The damage with my husband was done. He was hurt, he was hurting me continuously – and was quite emotionally abusive. I tried many times to get him to come to therapy. I’d make the appointment and show up alone. I started having online emotional affairs – and ultimately got involved with a man. I was starving for emotional fulfillment of any type. I remember the man making comments to me, and I hated it cause I felt manipulated. Yet, I pressed on, and ultimately left my husband and allowed this guy to move in with me and my son. My husband didn’t seem to care about what I did. I begged for months over and over to go to therapy prior to leaving the marriage, and he told me that I was the one with the problem – not him. There was no need to go to therapy. By this point, I had been discharged from therapy because my psychologist and myself both were confident with my ability to process and I had changed my distorted thinking into a very healthy frame of thought.

Now, there came a time that I heard from my exboyfriend from high school again. I can’t remember who contacted who first. I think he contacted me. And I blasted him one good. He said he needed a friend. And I told him that it was tough shit, because when I needed him in my absolute darkest time in my life, he wasn’t there.
A month and a half later, he apologized and gave me the closure that I had begged from him years prior. We are still friends, though I am no longer stunted, but see him in a different light.

My husband has lied, and I’ve caught him in lies. The most famous one was when I was dropping our son off at his house one evening and I asked if I could use the bathroom real quick (he lived at that time, 2 hours away). I admit, I was snooping around, looking for any evidence of a woman – as I had suspected. When, viola! There in the trash next to me was a used condom.
I walk out in the living room, and ask him if he’s seeing someone.
He said no.
I asked him if he was having sex.
He said No.
I said, “Well, that sure is interesting, since you live by yourself and there is a used condom in the trash.” He knew he was caught.
But, it gets better. When I brought up that scene another time, he swore that he never answered in the negative or in the affirmative.
And I was able to look at my entire marriage and see where he did something called “crazymaking”. There were so many times that I swore something was X, and he would tell me it was K.
But, because we were married, I just put my confusion aside. It wasn’t until I was able to go through therapy and step back from the marriage that I could see where the distortion truly was – and it wasn’t me.

Now, as to trust – I have come to trust my exboyfriend from high school again. I underwent grief counseling that allowed me to work on my feelings for him.
I had to learn that he was limited. Just like my husband is limited. They will always be them, and I may never receive that “I’m sorry” or the outcome that I would like. What I have learned – and this is the part that has allowed me to trust again – is that I needed to accept those limitations. That we are all flawed, and I made mistakes as well – but to own up to those mistakes. I have the courage to own up to my wrongdoings. Did I screw up? Hell yes. Many times, and I probably will again. I learned that forgiveness is not about allowing the action to have a free pass, but forgiveness is really about letting go of the hurt. The more that you hurt, and you allow that person and their actions to keep on hurting you – they still have control over you. The only way to get through that hurt, is to process the grief from whatever has happened to you. It takes time and you can’t just snap out of it, but it is important that you allow yourself that time to process those feelings.

I remember one time telling my therapist that I really hated my exboyfriend from high school. REALLY hated him. He told me the best thing – that it was absolutely okay that I hated him. That maybe I’ll hate him for 10 years – and then someday I’ll decide that is no longer working for me, so that I’ll need to move on to the next step in grief processing.
By simply telling me that it was okay to be hurt – my mind started to process that anger and I was able to get through it in less than 10 years.

I also don’t believe in allowing my labels – the fact that I have PTSD – PMDD and that I’m bipolar to infringe upon my level of becoming a healthy minded individual. They are just parts of me – they do not define me.

I’ve been to rock bottom. I’ve been hospitalized, the whole deal. But I came out a healthier, stronger individual because of those experiences. It scared the living hell out of me to think about my traumatic experience and then having to write it down and own it.
That’s something else – I think that if you look into any type of grief counseling, you will have a more defined method of working towards feeling better. It is hard to deal with when everything seems so abstract and there isn’t any direction to kind of help steer you into a better frame of thought.

M.

 

[rida]

Here' a question for you women. Both Homburg and I are currently in similar situations with our significant other/wives. Both involve trust and lying.

My wife should be asking this question. But, how do I ever trust her again?

I never had my trust broken. But than again my concept of trust is hard to break.

I trust that human are only human, and us such not perfect. I trust that things will happen, decision and action will be taken that will carry consequences not always fully understood. I trust that even with the better of intentions promise my end up being broken.

As such, I rarely make promises or hold people to them. As such I do not have cast in stone rules.

But what I do is value the effort and the commitment. If you are doing your best, if you are doing/being the best you know how to be given the situation, the emotions involved, I will forgive.

I value honesty and dispise deceipt. Lying however can be forgiven. Lying can be circumstantial. Lying can be a momentarly panic reaction. Lying can be the incapacity of dealing at the moment with the reality and consequeces. And I will forgive, you will own up to them.

How do you get to be able to trust her again?
In my case will be by talking it out, over and over, to understand the motifs, the origin of the action, to understand the causes. And to see if the person you felt in love with is still there. If the person you were when you felt in love is still there. If the future you saw for the two of you is still there.

And if you decide to trust her again, it should be totally, not with conditions.
I understand what the posters above say that you will always be suspicious, you will always feel uneasy when she is late. But if you decide to trust her again, you need to be able to not let those insecurities gets to you.

As a disclaimer, I would like to point out that this is how I live my life. I am not claiming is the perfect way.

You are now in a very rough spot. I wish for you that it will work out for the best of everybody involved. It is going to be very painful, maybe even more than now. But you will all be better person at the end.

 

[Homburg]

And if you decide to trust her again, it should be totally, not with conditions.
I understand what the posters above say that you will always be suspicious, you will always feel uneasy when she is late. But if you decide to trust her again, you need to be able to not let those insecurities gets to you.

I would think that this is indeed the goal, and you make a point that is causing me to think hard about my own insecurities. This is very much where I want to be, it's getting there that is proving to be the problem. My wife and I are taking the steps though.

Thank you, rida-chan.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m71/worldrebecca/Wiggles2.jpg

http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m71/worldrebecca/wiggles.jpg​

Wiggles Playground Link ~ US Version

MUSIC YAY

Romp Bomp A Stomp

Go Captain Feathersword

Rock A Bye Bear

Mr Bholderman, I have decided to retract my initial offer to pass on tales of woe or words of advice in lieu of the Wiggles. I have uploaded a few songs for your kidlets, which you will be able to download directly from the 3 links above, should you desire to. Ohhh and you should know, I can both sing the aforementioned as well as provide all the appropriate ( few inappropriate if in the mood as well ) actions to accompany.

Hope this entices a focus to a few smiles in a difficult time

 

[bholderman]

Who says it for the kids? hahaha, thank you kindly.

I also want to thank everyone who chimed in. Its been helpful for me at least.

http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m71/worldrebecca/Wiggles2.jpg

http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m71/worldrebecca/wiggles.jpg​

Wiggles Playground Link ~ US Version

MUSIC YAY

Romp Bomp A Stomp

Go Captain Feathersword

Rock A Bye Bear

Mr Bholderman, I have decided to retract my initial offer to pass on tales of woe or words of advice in lieu of the Wiggles. I have uploaded a few songs for your kidlets, which you will be able to download directly from the 3 links above, should you desire to. Ohhh and you should know, I can both sing the aforementioned as well as provide all the appropriate ( few inappropriate if in the mood as well ) actions to accompany.

Hope this entices a focus to a few smiles in a difficult time

 

[bholderman]

A lot of my real friends are having tough times right now, as our a lot of us in the forum.

Is it a cycle for people to get shit on?

 

[Homburg]

A lot of my real friends are having tough times right now, as our a lot of us in the forum.

Is it a cycle for people to get shit on?

I've been wondering the same thing. It's doing nothing good for my tendency towards cynicism.

 

[tanijaana]

I'm breaking right now. Not because of the abuse I dealt with as a child, but because of how my partner is now choosing to deal with it...

 

[bholderman]

For all the busting hearts, I've reached a point of really needing to talk to someone (thanks so far, Homberg).

Anyone up for yahoo chatting tonight?

 

[tanijaana]

I'm up for it. My screenname is hellstryder or reverendtorres; take your pick. Anyone else feels like chatting, feel free to send me a message. Heck, maybe we can open up a conference or something, heheheheh.

 

[Homburg]

For all the busting hearts, I've reached a point of really needing to talk to someone (thanks so far, Homberg).

Anyone up for yahoo chatting tonight?

No sweat, Brad. I'm online now. Feel free to ping me when you get on. I'll be at my desk, probably working the rest of the evening.

 

[bholderman]

So I wake up early this morning, 3 am, cant sleep. Go for a drive. I go home. I find the back door unlocked, one of our children on the couch sleeping. My bedroom is locked with my wife in it and who knows what else.

I easily could have walked away with one of my children.

So after locking the door and leaving, I called the house and told her to be out by Sunday afternoon.

I am Daddy.

 

[Homburg]

Damn. That is fucked.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing by your kids, Brad. I'm just sorry that you have to do it. Regardless of how she feels about your marriage, you'd think she would give more of a damn about the kids.

 

[wayfarm]

So I wake up early this morning, 3 am, cant sleep. Go for a drive. I go home. I find the back door unlocked, one of our children on the couch sleeping. My bedroom is locked with my wife in it and who knows what else.

I easily could have walked away with one of my children.

So after locking the door and leaving, I called the house and told her to be out by Sunday afternoon.

I am Daddy.

Really sorry. Really sorry. I was hoping the best for you. What type of inner reflection you did at the door to your bedroom only you will know. I think given the circumstances, what you did was best. I'm assuming someone was in the bedroom with her. Why elese would a parent lock out there kids?

Did she admit to it?

One day at a time Amigo.

Best.

 

[Tabea]

I'm assuming someone was in the bedroom with her. Why elese would a parent lock out there kids?

Maybe she was upset and crying and didn't want her kids to see her that way? Or just needed some peace and quiet? Who knows?

Is it necessary to always assume the worst of people?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Homburg]

I can see closing and locking the door to cry. I can see closing and locking the door to go to the restroom in peace. I can see closing and locking the door for a few minutes to get a breather.

I can't see sleeping with the door locked when there are kids in the house.

 

[EmpressFi]

I can see closing and locking the door to cry. I can see closing and locking the door to go to the restroom in peace. I can see closing and locking the door for a few minutes to get a breather.

I can't see sleeping with the door locked when there are kids in the house.

I guess what bothers me most about what was described..is that she remembered to lock her own door.. but forgot to lock the door to the house.. and didnt even think to put the kid in bed.

Now... not in defense..but in the spirit of not wanting to always think the worst..maybe the kid's older..maybe the child is used to falling asleep on the couch while watching TV..

but the locked door troubles me more

 

[HottieMama]

I can see closing and locking the door to cry. I can see closing and locking the door to go to the restroom in peace. I can see closing and locking the door for a few minutes to get a breather.

I can't see sleeping with the door locked when there are kids in the house.

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!! Homburg, you can tell we're parents of little ones... i can't tell you how many times i beg my 3yo to just let me pee in peace.


My thoughts are with you, Brad.

 

[FurryFury]

So I wake up early this morning, 3 am, cant sleep. Go for a drive. I go home. I find the back door unlocked, one of our children on the couch sleeping. My bedroom is locked with my wife in it and who knows what else.

I easily could have walked away with one of my children.

So after locking the door and leaving, I called the house and told her to be out by Sunday afternoon.

I am Daddy.

That sounds pretty shocking and as a parent somewhat terrifying.

I'm so sorry.

 

[intothewoods]

Oh no. That really upsets me. How could a parent do that?

 

[SubKekiLee]

Oh Brad, My heart goes out to you, I am so sorry you had to find that.. Go home and be with your kids and let her leave I know you love her immensely but for every Acion there is a Reaction.. this is it.. she must know this..

In the meantime,, My heart and prayers go out to you and yours..