The Brokens

[Kajira Callista]

I have come close a few times and reached that point once for sure where I basically slept a couple of years of my life away in depression. The alarm clock was my best friend so I knew I would be awake to get my children to school and home again, fed, bathed...the rest of the time I was asleep and beyond caring. I eventually pulled myself out of it, started planning my future, then made positive steps toward making that future a reality. I never ever want to go back there again.

Catalina

sounds like me since the day after I burried my father. I expect it is ok to withdraw a bit so I'm allowing it for now. I also know that somewhere in my head i know i could stay where I am forever and maybe even like it...but I get up and out of bed and put those two feet on the floor and force me to do what needs to be done daily for my kiddos. Where would I be without them?

 

[FurryFury]

I can totally agree. I've made much better decisions for my life thinking about the embryo inside me and beyond that time than ever before!

I also agree that taking some down time is a valid choice. As I've said before, I think it's important to fall apart some, give yourself permission to grieve and feel all those feelings that are so scary and overwhelming at times.

 

[bholderman]

Yeah, so it seems Ive spent 12 years being the gallant knight, cooking, cleaning, all the domestic stuff simply to please her. It turns out it did more damage than anything, not allowing her to function as an adult.

So Im staying at my folks for awhile so she can practice or expereince her own required functioning. But here's my fear, she says she still thinks of HIM. SO I retreat for the good of the marraige and her, trying to repair myself in this overwhelming depression. HE'S sitting back and waiting. I feel like Im being escorted away from my family and my wife.

 

[FurryFury]

It sounds like she is blaming you for everything. I personally think that is shit. Don't let her make you feel that's legitimate. She has a brain and a mouth, she could have used them to let her "needs" be known to you.

 

[intothewoods]

Yeah, so it seems Ive spent 12 years being the gallant knight, cooking, cleaning, all the domestic stuff simply to please her. It turns out it did more damage than anything, not allowing her to function as an adult.

Well, that was her choice too! Is she taking any responsibility here?

So Im staying at my folks for awhile so she can practice or expereince her own required functioning. But here's my fear, she says she still thinks of HIM. SO I retreat for the good of the marraige and her, trying to repair myself in this overwhelming depression. HE'S sitting back and waiting. I feel like Im being escorted away from my family and my wife.

Of course she still thinks of him. He's new (or at least the sex is) and forbidden. Of course that's alluring and attractive. But if she shacks up with him for five years, it won't be so exciting anymore. You can't make decisions based on your pussy. Er, well, not that decision anyway.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[bholderman]

Thanks all for the input. It helps.

I did want to comment on Fury's comment though. She continually says that its not my fault, shes the one who screwed up, etc. But it seems like all the actions, not just her included, family, therapists etc, seem to be removing me and it scares the hell out of me.

It sounds like she is blaming you for everything. I personally think that is shit. Don't let her make you feel that's legitimate. She has a brain and a mouth, she could have used them to let her "needs" be known to you.

 

[intothewoods]

But it seems like all the actions, not just her included, family, therapists etc, seem to be removing me and it scares the hell out of me.

What do you mean?

 

[bholderman]

Ive been functioning for her for so long, se never became her own person, not does she know how to be. So, the reasoning is, I go away and she learns that aspect.

Im just worried about her snapping (she's clinically depressed with PMDD) along with a wide open door for "fantasy man" to step into. She says that won't happen, but unfotunately, my trust in her has been severly damaged. I think my fear is rooted more in the damage caused to my confidence in the last week more than anything.

 

[Luvkitty33]

I agree with FF, ITW, and CM. You can't change her behavior, but you can change how you respond to it. Trust me, I know that is WAY harder than it sounds, but at least it's something to work towards. I know that I'm always working on that myself.

I'm sending you hugs and reminding you that you have people here who care about you, and even more importantly, you have the love of your children. When you're at your lowest of lows, try to focus on them for awhile. I don't mean to suggest that you should try to escape all the painful emotions because at some point you do need to deal with them and to feel them, but when you need a break, just surround yourself with the love of your children.

 

[intothewoods]

Ive been functioning for her for so long, se never became her own person, not does she know how to be. So, the reasoning is, I go away and she learns that aspect.

Im just worried about her snapping (she's clinically depressed with PMDD) along with a wide open door for "fantasy man" to step into. She says that won't happen, but unfotunately, my trust in her has been severly damaged. I think my fear is rooted more in the damage caused to my confidence in the last week more than anything.

Maybe it's also quite scary for you to not have to function for her?

My heart just breaks for you and your family, Brad. But you all will be stronger for it, I think. All you can do is be honest, and conduct yourself with integrity. And you are more than up for that task, my dear.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[catalina_francisco]

You can't change her behaviour, or who she is, only she can do that. What you can do is change yourself in relation to her, take care of you, and not continue to enable her behaviour through your actions or words and acceptance of what she says and does. While she tells you it is not your fault etc., etc., etc., she is also telling you it is your fault because you never let her find out who she was etc., etc., etc....isn't this a bit rich? She is playing with your head and heart, stalling for time to decide what her next move is...why did she get married and worse still, have children if she didn't know who she was and hadn't had time to grow into being an adult?

You do not have to give her that power by sitting by waiting for her to decide what she wants, how, and when. It is sad to say, but most people who cheat do not change, and are more likely to do it to someone else...stop drifting to suit her whims, make decisions which are right for you and definite, and most of all, unrelated to what she is going to do or how she feels about it. You have a right to your life and happiness and I don't think you will have either if you stay in this situation.

Catalina

 

[wayfarm]

I'm the last person to give advice on interpersonal matters. But her admitting that she still thought of him admits to some level of honesty, and quite well serves as a bridge of some sort.

 

[bholderman]

From me, thanks all. I have a clearer understanding now.

Thats pretty much all I can say.

 

[bholderman]

Here' a question for you women. Both Homburg and I are currently in similar situations with our significant other/wives. Both involve trust and lying.

My wife should be asking this question. But, how do I ever trust her again?

 

[Recidiva]

Here' a question for you women. Both Homburg and I are currently in similar situations with our significant other/wives. Both involve trust and lying.

My wife should be asking this question. But, how do I ever trust her again?

I have a very tough answer about trust.

People are flawed. I am flawed. I cannot be always right, always perfect (extraordinarily far from it, in fact.)

What I rely on instead of trust, is gambling. I do not think anything is a sure thing. I gamble.

And I don't think that every loss means I'll always lose. I don't count on winning, but I don't bet with what I can't lose.

Life is a gamble, not an insurance policy. You calculate your best odds, you take the losses as what's probably going to happen...but if you don't play, you can't hit that jackpot.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[HB1965]

Here' a question for you women. Both Homburg and I are currently in similar situations with our significant other/wives. Both involve trust and lying.

My wife should be asking this question. But, how do I ever trust her again?

It's a two way street Brad. When people cheat in a marriage there is a fundamental problem at the heart of things. It's all about communication and sharing with one an other what you see in the other that troubles you. When someone in a marriage goes astray it's because two people didn't talk to about their real concerns. To trust again Brad, you have to be able to do that, and more importantly listen to her side of things.

 

[EmpressFi]

Here' a question for you women. Both Homburg and I are currently in similar situations with our significant other/wives. Both involve trust and lying.

My wife should be asking this question. But, how do I ever trust her again?

Sadly, I dont know that you can. Not in the same manner as before. You can try. You can look at the issues within yourself and the marriage..and as was mentioned, in her character that brought things to where they are now and try and fix what can be fixed.. communicate with each other... and if you choose to.. move forward.

I'm not saying it's hopeless. I'm speaking from my mind. I know how my mind works. Trust can be earned again, over time, but it'll be more difficult. I'll speak for myself... I know me.. my mind would always be whispering in my inner ear...is he telling the truth? was he really <insert action here>? why did he delete that email or close that IM window when I came into the room? If I extend this trust.. will I get hurt again? That's why I say, that if you can, it might not be the same as before.

I am sorry that both of you are going through this.

 

[FurryFury]

I agree that it's a building thing. She has to be willing to behave in a way that you find reassuring consistently and to understand that even so your trust has been broken, you will have anger and doubt. Most partners are simply not willing to do that work. The therapists I've know have acted like the cheated on spouse had to "just get over it" and was in fact in the wrong. That's a load of crap IMO. Sure your relationship might not have been perfect, whose is? There are still other options to breaking trust, better ones. I'm not into blaming the victim and yet the victim has to do a huge stubborn leap of faith to try to restore their own trust in another. It really sucks.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Luvkitty33]

Here' a question for you women. Both Homburg and I are currently in similar situations with our significant other/wives. Both involve trust and lying.

My wife should be asking this question. But, how do I ever trust her again?

I believe that I told the story of walking in on my boyfriend of many years with another woman in his bed.........the same bed that I nearly spent evey night in sleeping next to him. I broke up with him after that, and it took a very long time before I was able to take him back. For me, the trust was never there again. I just couldn't erase that image from my mind, nor could I get over what he had done. I wanted to desperately, and I really, really gave it my best shot. BUT, what ended up happening was he wasn't willing to do what was needed to help regain my trust or to help me through the process.

In my opinion, once someone has broken someone else's trust in as huge a way as that, then they need to be willing to be an open book. They have lost the right, in my opinion, to get angry or to feel like they're being nagged when the one cheated on has insecurities that make them ask questions. For example, the person cheated on has the right to ask as many questions as they need to to feel comfortable if their SO was late, such as asking where the person was, with whom, etc. I just feel it's that person's responsibility to work at regaining their SO's trust, but I DO agree that the person cheated on or lied to also needs to be very open about how they're feeling and not start acting passive-aggressive. Basically, it comes down to both people be willing to be open books for each other without anger and resentment AND be willing to COMMUNICATE about emotions, thoughts, and feelings.

In my situation, that didn't happen. I do believe it's possible though, and I wish you and your wife lots of luck and hope it works out for you two. You have children......a family.....all the more reason to both put in the extra effort it will take to get through this.

My thoughts and prayers remain with you.

 

[Homburg]

It's very fresh for me, very raw. I find myself questioning her motivation on everything. Hell, just questioning everything. I ask the questions again, in different ways, just in case. It's not really all that healthy, but I can be a bit obssessive about certain things. I told her that it would be like this, warned her, and asked if she was capable of accepting that. Her response was that she deserved it, and would basically bear any burden.

I'm not sure how to handle that. Yes, I am glad that she will take whatever to keep this marriage together, but can I stand myself? Can I live with what I might do and how I might be?

I don't particularly like myself when I get like this. Frankly, I'm an utter bastard, and I've said some very, very vicious things. Things that I know will haunt both of us probably forever. I'm trying to get a handle on that.

We had a bit of a break-through today. It caused her to feel worse, because it was bringing her own motivations to light, and she realised that she'd been dluding herself. Given the circumstances though, I felt better. What she did was out of hurt and anger, not out of something more fundamental. I can understand hurt and anger, and I can accept it better than the reasons she'd stated earlier. I can work with hurt and anger because I can help to not cause it. I can't work with the sort of 'fantasy escape' scenario that Brad talked about, as that was similar to her initial explanation. the former is based on controllable circumstances, the latter is not.

Whether it is rational or not, it helps me. It gives me hope.

 

[BiBunny]

It's very fresh for me, very raw. I find myself questioning her motivation on everything. Hell, just questioning everything. I ask the questions again, in different ways, just in case. It's not really all that healthy, but I can be a bit obssessive about certain things. I told her that it would be like this, warned her, and asked if she was capable of accepting that. Her response was that she deserved it, and would basically bear any burden.

I'm not sure how to handle that. Yes, I am glad that she will take whatever to keep this marriage together, but can I stand myself? Can I live with what I might do and how I might be?

I don't particularly like myself when I get like this. Frankly, I'm an utter bastard, and I've said some very, very vicious things. Things that I know will haunt both of us probably forever. I'm trying to get a handle on that.

We had a bit of a break-through today. It caused her to feel worse, because it was bringing her own motivations to light, and she realised that she'd been dluding herself. Given the circumstances though, I felt better. What she did was out of hurt and anger, not out of something more fundamental. I can understand hurt and anger, and I can accept it better than the reasons she'd stated earlier. I can work with hurt and anger because I can help to not cause it. I can't work with the sort of 'fantasy escape' scenario that Brad talked about, as that was similar to her initial explanation. the former is based on controllable circumstances, the latter is not.

Whether it is rational or not, it helps me. It gives me hope.

The mark of a real man is not to not make mistakes. The mark of a real man is to own up to them and try to make the situation better. Were you to do anything else, you'd be a coward.