The Book of Heroic Failures

[rgraham666]

I was rooting through my library, looking for something to read over dinner.

And I found an old favourite, The Book of Heroic Failures. It's got the worst of everything in it.

Here's an example.

The Vet Who Surprised A Cow

In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire to some bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimated at over $65,000. The vet was later fined $182 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to the magistrates.

The cow escaped with shock.

I'll post more as they amuse me.

 

[deathlynx]

I can't wait to see more!

 

[rgraham666]

OK.

The Least Successful Police Department

In 1978 a man charged with murder escaped from custody of the Irish police. The Garda Press Office issued a statement to the effect that, "He is no more dangerous than any other murderer."

 

[deathlynx]

Yeah, I heard a news report today about a man who killed three people in a robbery...the police stated that he's armed and assumed dangerous...

 

[rgraham666]

More. And in keeping with this place.

The Least Successful Embrace

In 1976 Dr. Brian Richards of Deal in Kent discovered one of the great love stories of all time, while in Regent's Park, London.

He came across a semiclad gentleman who had slipped a disc while enjoying himself in the back of a sports car with his girlfriend.

Since the man was transfixed with agony, his girlfriend was unable to get out for help. In desperation she jammed her foot against the horn.

This attracted Dr. Richards, an ambulanceman, a fireman and a large crowd of passersby who formed a circle around the car. "You'll never get him out of there," said the fireman, who then set about cutting the back off the car.

Trained for desperate situations, two women voluntary workers arrived and began serving hot sweet tea through the window. "It was like the blitz," one of them commented.

Eventually, the lover was carried off in agony. Ambulancemen told the girlfriend that his recovery prospects were good. "Sod him," she replied. "What's worrying me is how shall I explain to my husband what's happened to his car."

Snerk.

I'll see if I can find the entry for the Polish translator who didn't speak Polish.

 

[rgraham666]

Another entry. Those who love the English language will love this one.

The Worst Phrasebook

Pedro Carlino is one of the all-time greats. In 1883 he wrote an English-Portuguese phrasebook despite having little or no command of the English language.

His greatly recommended book The New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English has now been reprinted under the title English As She is Spoke.

After a brief dedication:

"We expect then, who the little book (for the care what we wrote him, and for her typographical correction) that may be worth the acceptation of the studious persons, and especially of the youth, at which we dedicate him particularly."

Carlino kicks off with some "Familiar phrases" which the Portuguese holidaymaker might find useful. Among these are:

Dress your hairs
This hat go well
Undress you to
Exculpate me by your brother's
She make the prude
Do you cut the hairs?
He has tost all his good

He then moves on to "Familiar Dialogues" which include "For to wish the good morning," and "For to visit a sick."

Dialogue 18 - "For to ride a horse" - begins: "Here is a horse who has bad looks. Give me another. I will not that. He not sall know to march, he is pursy, he is foundered. Don't you are ashamed to give me a jade like that? he is unshoed, he is nails up."

In the section on "Anecdotes" Carlino offers the following guaranteed to enthrall any listener:

"One eye was laied against a man which has good eyes that he saw better than him. The party was accepted. I had gain, over said the one eyed; why I se you two eyes and you not look me who one."

It is difficult to top that, but Carlino manages in a useful section of "Idiotisms and proverbs." These include:

Nothing some money, nothing of Swiss
He eat to coaches
A take is better than two you shall have
The stone as roll not heap up not foam

And the well know expression:

The dog than bark not bite

Carlino's particular genius was aided by the fact that he did not possess an English-Portuguese dictionary. However, he did possess Portuguese-French and French-English dictionaries through both of which he dragged his original expressions. The results yield language of originality and great beauty. Is there anything in conventional English which could equal the vividness of "To craunch a marmoset"?

 

[Guest]

"To craunch a marmoset"

I love it!

 

[rgraham666]

"To craunch a marmoset"

I love it!

It took me five minutes to write that. I was laughing too hard.

 

[Guest]

It took me five minutes to write that. I was laughing too hard.

I'm trying to figure out how to put it in my sig line.

 

[sutherngent985]

In 1976 Dr. Brian Richards of Deal in Kent discovered one of the great love stories of all time, while in Regent's Park, London.

He came across a semiclad gentleman who had slipped a disc while enjoying himself in the back of a sports car with his girlfriend.

Since the man was transfixed with agony, his girlfriend was unable to get out for help. In desperation she jammed her foot against the horn.

This attracted Dr. Richards, an ambulanceman, a fireman and a large crowd of passersby who formed a circle around the car. "You'll never get him out of there," said the fireman, who then set about cutting the back off the car.

Trained for desperate situations, two women voluntary workers arrived and began serving hot sweet tea through the window. "It was like the blitz," one of them commented.

Eventually, the lover was carried off in agony. Ambulancemen told the girlfriend that his recovery prospects were good. "Sod him," she replied. "What's worrying me is how shall I explain to my husband what's happened to his car."

You had to know that was coming.

 

[Boxlicker101]

"To craunch a marmoset"

I love it!

I don't think that's funny. I really feel sorry for the marmoset. How would YOU like to be craunched? And it's even worse for marmosets.

 

[Guest]

I don't think that's funny. I really feel sorry for the marmoset. How would YOU like to be craunched? And it's even worse for marmosets.

I don't know, Box.

Being craunched sounds kind of sexy.

 

[rgraham666]

I don't know, Box.

Being craunched sounds kind of sexy.

Shall we try it out and find out for sure?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I don't know, Box.

Being craunched sounds kind of sexy.

Marmosets are fundamentally unfit for rough sex.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Boxlicker101
I don't think that's funny. I really feel sorry for the marmoset. How would YOU like to be craunched? And it's even worse for marmosets.

I don't know, Box.

Being craunched sounds kind of sexy.

I will admit that some people take a perverse pleasure in being craunched but marmosets don't.

 

[rgraham666]

Marmosets are fundamentally unfit for rough sex.

And you know this, how?

 

[Stella_Omega]

And you know this, how?

Just what are you insinuating? I must point out that I have never, nor would I ever, craunch an unwilling partner. Hmmph!

Anyway, all you have to do is look at the poor little things-- it's obvious.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Just what are you insinuating? I must point out that I have never, nor would I ever, craunch an unwilling partner. Hmmph!

Anyway, all you have to do is look at the poor little things-- it's obvious.

This is pretty much common knowledge, at least among zoologists. The sexual activities of marmosets are similar to those of most small monkeys, except for their unusually strong aversion to being craunched.

 

[Guest]

Definition: craunch

Source: WordNet (r) 1.7

craunch
v : press or grind with a crunching noise [syn: crunch, cranch,
grind]


Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (1913)

Craunch \Craunch\ (kr?nch), v. t. & i. [imp. & p. p. Craunched
(kr?ncht); p. pr. & vb. n. Craunching.] [See Crunch.]
To crush with the teeth; to chew with violence and noise; to
crunch. --Swift.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Definition: craunch

Source: WordNet (r) 1.7

craunch
v : press or grind with a crunching noise [syn: crunch, cranch,
grind]


Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (1913)

Craunch \Craunch\ (kr?nch), v. t. & i. [imp. & p. p. Craunched
(kr?ncht); p. pr. & vb. n. Craunching.] [See Crunch.]
To crush with the teeth; to chew with violence and noise; to
crunch. --Swift.

NOT with the TEETH!

 

[Guest]

So in essence, you could say that "Craunch Me" would be the same as "Eat Me"?

Craunch me, baby!

 

[Stella_Omega]

So in essence, you could say that "Craunch Me" would be the same as "Eat Me"?

Craunch me, baby!

Now you're just teasing. *pouts*

 

[Guest]

Now you're just teasing. *pouts*

I know.

It's a sickness.

 

[Boxlicker101]

So in essence, you could say that "Craunch Me" would be the same as "Eat Me"?

Craunch me, baby!

Only if you were addressing a cannibal.

 

[NoJo]

The Worst Phrasebook had me in pain with laughter. Priceless. You wonder if the Monty Python team knew about it.