The Blue Dress Part 2

[Emerson560406]

The second part of my short story about Kyle and Becca posted overnight. It's in the romance section and it's relatively short - around 2000 words, I believe. I took the story on a slightly different 'path to orgasm' than what seems typical here on Lit, and I'd love any feedback or suggestions.

Here's the link
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-blue-dress-pt-02

Here's the link to part one, if you're so inclined. It's also a pretty quick read -- about 2,800 words.
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-blue-dress

Disclaimer -- I've been hopelessly searching for an editor with zero luck. Any suggestions of someone who I can reach out to would be marvelous.

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read me!
-E

 

[NotWise]

Disclaimer -- I've been hopelessly searching for an editor with zero luck. Any suggestions of someone who I can reach out to would be marvelous.

Post your request to the Editor's Forum. Include the category, the length of the story in words and maybe a brief description of the story. Their response will probably come by PM, so you need to make sure that you have Private Messaging enabled so that regular users can reach you.

There is also a sticky thread at the top of the forum page where editors offer their services. One of the offers there right now seems to be a creeper.

It can take a while before an editor responds to your request. Be patient. They seem to be pretty busy right now.

 

[NotWise]

I read it, which is an easy thing to do since it is only 1234 words. The sex is quite erotic. I have mixed feelings about the diversion into her past. It was a facet of the character, but (at least for me) it didn't contribute to the eroticism.

Don't pay attention to the comment that it should go to Loving Wives. It should not. If it were to go somewhere else then Erotic Coupling might be a choice.

You do need an editor, probably to help your style more than anything else. Writing style is (at least to some extent) a personal thing, so take the comments that follow with whatever measure of cynicism you like.

I put your story through a program that measures (among other things) the reading level. This story came up with an average reading level of 8.2. My understanding is that most popular literature comes in around grade 5 (using an average of five methods).

You also have a fairly high frequency of passive sentences (26%); that seems odd in a story that is largely one person performing an act on another and it doesn't help with making the story readable. I struggle with the same problem.

The sentences tend to be a little complex, with commas used to splice in clauses that could be separate sentences.

Like part 1, the story contains quite a bit of description that is extraneous to the story. You might regard some of that as necessary for establishing the environment. For my tastes you stepped over a line. The description goes to the point of clogging up the story. Some of it isn't doesn't even seem very meaningful, i.e. "the simplistic intensity of the morning."

 

[Emerson560406]

Thank you Not. As a noob, I really appreciate the insider information . I'll try the forum again and see if I have any better luck this time.

 

[Bramblethorn]

As with the previous chapter, pretty good, some minor suggestions:

The combined sensations were hypnotic, no doubt aided by the last remnants of sleep ricocheting through her body.

"ricochet" seems like an odd word to pair with "sleep" here; it's dynamic and harsh, the opposite of sleep.

a tall man wrapped in taught bulk

"taut"

I found the "Companion" metaphor distracting - it felt more like the way somebody might talk about a literal ghost or something, so I was focussing more on "huh why is the author using this style?" than on the emotional development you were narrating.

 

[8letters]

Disclaimer -- I've been hopelessly searching for an editor with zero luck. Any suggestions of someone who I can reach out to would be marvelous.

I recently had Tigersman edit a story for me and I was really happy with the experience. He contacted me when he got the story and gave me a general timeline, he updated me as he finished stories ahead of mine, he let me know when he started editing my story (which was sooner than he had initially forecasted) and he finished editing it quickly. For the most part, I agreed with his edits. My story was much better for having him edit it. You can send him a PM to ask about editing.

I rarely read the "Romance" category, but the story was what I would expect in that category. Romance stories to me are ones where two people who aren't romantically involved become romantically involved. I don't know what would be a better category.