the annoyances of being trans and interested in bdsm

[mellian]

okay, been trying to find chat rooms, message boards and etc where i can relate to. i go to one chat room on irc called dommesfemsubs, but i end up being ask to leave because i am a pre-op ts after wondering why i am also at a chat room called transgender_dungeon i was checking out. it is pretty like some of the lesbian chat rooms i been to after they somehow find out i am ts. :/

then i go try to find anything on the net via google, and i can only find porn porn porn, and forced fem type sites....while i may have some interests in forced fem, it is just wouldn't be forced for me, as i am already a fem.

heck, to ever find a Domme that i can trust, like and etc and her accepting me for who i am, a twenty year old ts female, okay to take on an inexperient person, and lives at least in or around ottawa is going to be hard indeed. I could try personals, but i suck at those.

I don't what to do really...and it is getting a bit annoying, and also the fact i seem to be to innocent too :/

what to do....

-mellian

...sorry for the rant...

 

[Shadowsdream]

Hello and welcome

Believe it or not being a trans is neither a positive or a negative when searching for a Domme. Whether you are transexual, bi sexual, heterosexual, gay or even just a bit of this and that you will find it is not easy to find a Domme at all and wanting one in your area increases the difficulty.

But you can take heart in knowing it is nothing personal just simply the way it is.

Accepting someone for their sexual orientation is much more common than you may think so don't get too uptight about the difficulty of finding a Domme interested in you. It is a longgggg journey from the thought to the actuallity in this BDSM world.

I count several trans in My circle of D/s friends and or toys and will in fact have a delightful "girl" in My home tomorrow morning doing some work for Me.

I hope you will find Lit to your liking and get to know the kinksters amongst U/us. Good luck in your search for your magic!

 

[Mr Blonde]

[Edit: Supportive comments removed but mellion is just a stupid troll. Everyone please join me in putting him on ignore.]

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Damn, dude...chica...dude...chica...you've got it rough, don't you?

 

[mellian]

Damn, dude...chica...dude...chica...you've got it rough, don't you?

first of all, i am not a dude, and never will be.

second, don't confuse gender identity with sexual orientation, as they ARE different. for some CDs and TVs it may be a fetish and sexual thing, but for TSes like me, it is not....

third, i am aware that subs tend to have a harder time to find someone, just me ranting...which tend not to involve not all that much rationality.

-mellian

 

[NCShin]

all I can say is that it's hard for vanilla people to find the right person for them.

Add to that BDSM and it compounds that difficulty.

Now, from the small circle of people into BDSM you're adding yet another thing on top of that to the mix. Of course it's going to be hard to find what you're looking for.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

first of all, i am not a dude, and never will be.

second, don't confuse gender identity with sexual orientation, as they ARE different. for some CDs and TVs it may be a fetish and sexual thing, but for TSes like me, it is not....

third, i am aware that subs tend to have a harder time to find someone, just me ranting...which tend not to involve not all that much rationality.

-mellian

LOL, I just think some things are funny at 4 AM, ok?

Seriously, I have a pretty good grasp of the whole TS thing(as much as anyone not living it can, anyways).

And, from talking with friends of mine, it seems that there are even less Dominants out there than it appears, on account of there being alot of subs pretending to be switches, to snag a switch of their own to beat them.

(BTW, and you can ignore this if you want to, but isn't your life chaotic enough without looking for a relationship too? Maybe you should get your genitalia straight, and look for kinky sex later?)

 

[lark sparrow]

Try surfing here, lots of avenues, little to no porn, and includes transexuals: http://directory.google.com/Top/Society/Transgendered/

Just to turn the lesbian issue around a little bit, from another perspective; I have noticed that many ts/tg people often only want to serve "real" Dommes, as in born female Dominants, or are seeking only female, as in born female submissives. Perhaps that is not the case for you, but maybe you can see how easy it is to make that distinction for some lesbian women looking for another woman. It's a challenge and I do wish you the best in finding your place, but you can't really have it both ways most places unfortunately. Perhaps particularly online in gender or orientation specific rooms. There are many RL groups that have a broader and less specific definition of gender though - many women's BDSM groups do include anyone who identifies as female, regardless of birth status, as well as including those who are born female, but identify as male.

Another more specific link Can't promise no porn, but I did see some positive looking links!

 

[mellian]

Seriously, I have a pretty good grasp of the whole TS thing(as much as anyone not living it can, anyways).

if you did, you wouldn't be as insulting as you been so far in this thread.

(BTW, and you can ignore this if you want to, but isn't your life chaotic enough without looking for a relationship too?

funny how you say that and know practically nothing about my life.

Maybe you should get your genitalia straight, and look for kinky sex later?)

i wasn't aware you have to be into sex to be interested in bdsm.

-mellian

 

[Hecate]

heck, to ever find a Domme that i can trust, like and etc and her accepting me for who i am, a twenty year old <..> female, okay to take on an inexperient person, and lives at least in or around ottawa is going to be hard indeed. I could try personals, but i suck at those.

mellian,

that above quote - I took the liberty to delete the ts-bit to make my point - could be written just by any submissive of any gender and inclination looking for a Domme.

You are 20 years old - have a look and check how many 20 year old male or female subs have found a rl Domme to satisfy their dreams and desires.

The answer: hardly any at all - for the simple fact that us Dommes seem to be a rather rare species in relation to any-gender subs!

So do not "blame" your gender - it is like that for MOST submissives, you are in good company!

As for chat rooms - they may or may not work for you; but if you really are seeking rl, what is wrong with personals?
You don't have to put one up yourself, but hey, what about answering a few?

As a Domme I have to wade through piles of unsuitable and frankly annoying approaches - but I found real gems among them! Is it asking too much to go through the same from a submissive?

Most Dommes are quite open to their physical criteria for submissives - if their character and "dedication"-requirements are met ... do you KNOW what you really want? .. what you are willing to give?

Have you established your desires - wants - and "NO's"?


I am perfectly aware that your post was a rant to "blow off some steam" - but I just wanted to take the chance for some encouragement for all subs.

It is hard and at times humiliating to seek, offer onself and beg to be "used" - but if in the end you find that one Special Someone (as I can attest is possible!) it will all be worth it.

On the other hand, don't rely on "online only" - jump your shadow and seek out local munches; a good way to meet likeminded people without obligation.

Good luck in your search, mellian and all the other seekers.
Please don't despair if it takes a while to find what you seek - even without BDSM our time and age are not really supportive of finding your "counterpart", your "soul mate" or whatever you want to call it - be patient (after all, isn't that one of the main sub virtues? ) Use that search to learn more about yourself and your needs, cravings and desires so that once you "click" with your Dom/me you can enjoy your lifestyle choice fully, deeply and completely.

Hecate

 

[rosco rathbone]

Some of us dominant masters think that TV -TS subs are smokin'. Don't give up!!!

rosco

 

[Etoile]

Try surfing here, lots of avenues, little to no porn, and includes transexuals: http://directory.google.com/Top/Society/Transgendered/

Wow! Somebody else knows about ODP! I've actually even done a bit of work in that category.

A better URL, though, is this:
http://dmoz.org/Society/Transgendered
That's the CURRENT version. Google uses ODP data for their directory, but they don't update it very often. The dmoz.org version will always have the latest and greatest!

Also, the Society section of ODP only has non-explicit sites. There's not a lot of trans stuff in the adult section, but it's here and fun to browse:
http://dmoz.org/Adult/

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

if you did, you wouldn't be as insulting as you been so far in this thread.



funny how you say that and know practically nothing about my life.



i wasn't aware you have to be into sex to be interested in bdsm.

-mellian

LOL, you are a touchy thing, aren't you? Must be the hormones...(I'm assuming you have started the hormones, or plan to in the near future?)

And, of course, no surprise that you wouldn't want any real advice. You are 20, you probably need to take things down a notch or two until you grow up, don't you think?
See, I'm just trying to picture it...20 years old, got the wrong plumbing, taking pretty life-altering hormones, having to adjust to such a huge change. Then, you get yoiur bits swapped out, which means surgery and lots of recovery, and then getting used to the 'new you'...and you want to start a D/s relationship in the middle of all that?

*edited to add* Do I really need to know a whole lot about your life to sense some chaos? You are 20 years old!! That is enough to cause chaos, and the trandgender business is almost guaranteed to make it tougher. I know you don't want to hear anything but validation, but you know what? I was young too, and maybe if someone had told things to me straight, I wouldn't have made so many mistakes.

 

[Quint]

I was young too, and maybe if someone had told things to me straight, I wouldn't have made so many mistakes.

Probably not...even I have difficulty listening to my elders, and I'm at least half as much of a self-righteous prig as you are.

 

[mellian]

again, you don't know me or how my life as been and currently is at. just because I am twenty and a transsexual doesn't mean my life is chaotic...heck, life would be more interesting if it was. i am already done going through all the most of the BS before and the two years after i came out, so for the past year and the half, things as been quiet and not to interesting....while waiting to see what kind of changes the mones would do and looking into how i could possibly afford SRS and so on. so life is stable enough for me to get into BDSM, and to potentially have D/s relationship.

so overall, you know practically jack shit about me.

snip

-mellian

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Probably not...even I have difficulty listening to my elders, and I'm at least half as much of a self-righteous prig as you are.

Yeah, well...I've earned the right.

Kids today...just exactly like kids throughout history, think they know everything, and think they are somehow special and different.

 

[sunfox]

again, you don't know me or how my life as been and currently is at. just because I am twenty and a transsexual doesn't mean my life is chaotic...heck, life would be more interesting if it was. i am already done going through all the most of the BS before and the two years after i came out, so for the past year and the half, things as been quiet and not to interesting....while waiting to see what kind of changes the mones would do and looking into how i could possibly afford SRS and so on. so life is stable enough for me to get into BDSM, and to potentially have D/s relationship.

so overall, you know practically jack shit about me.



-mellian

I'm sensing some repressed hostility... or wait. I guess it's not really very repressed at all.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I'm sensing some repressed hostility... or wait. I guess it's not really very repressed at all.

LMAO!!!

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Now, let's be fair, ok? If you were walking around with the wrong genitalia, you'd be kind of pissy too....

You would think, though, that you would have to develop a sense of humor about the whole thing, but maybe not.

 

[sunfox]

I have a sense of humor about nearly anything, or I try to anyways

I cannot possibly know what mellian is dealing with, but chewing off people's heads when they were clearly only teasing is probably not in the book of How to Make Friends and Influence People.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I have a sense of humor about nearly anything, or I try to anyways

I cannot possibly know what mellian is dealing with, but chewing off people's heads when they were clearly only teasing is probably not in the book of How to Make Friends and Influence People.

No probably not...

I mean, Jesus, it is a sort of funny situation, isn't it? I usually suggest that younger submissives(and young folks in general) slow down anyway, get some experience, do the 'play' thing for awhile, not get into anything serious for a couple of years if at all possible. Life at 20 is generally sort of strange, you may still be in school, looking for a career, trying to figure out your place in the adult world, etc. Add to it the whole gender issue, and the associated trauma, and the suggestion to back off a little becomes even more appropriate, IMO. With the surgery and everything...I would have similar advice for someone who was 20 and was about to start chemotherapy or something. I mean, you can go for it if you like, but if you get too serious, you are just setting yourself up for some hurt.

 

[Etoile]

I'm in agreement with Johnny on this one. While mellian may be one of those rare 20-year-olds who can juggle a lot of things at once, most 20-year-olds can barely handle their lives as they are without dealing with being trans or into BDSM. Hell, I'm 23 and I can barely handle it. 20 is just too young to say "oh, I've got it all under control." If mellian feels she's doing okay, more power to her, but I wouldn't blame difficulty finding a kinky relationship on being trans.

 

[rosco rathbone]

"You are too young--you can't handle it--don't even try" seems like utterly dubious "advice". The aspects of our sexuality do not come in discreet packets---"ok, now I've got the trans part under control; time for the bDSM part."

As anyone into this kind of shit (extreme sexuality) knows, the associated emotions and needs are overwhelming and when it's time for you to seek what you need; you are going to do so regardless of whether you are 20, 40 or 80.

Someone at this stage needs help integrating themselves--good luck kid; I hope you find what you need.

 

[MissTaken]

Well, mellian,

It is a difficult time, at best, no matter your preferences, gender etc when you begin exploring or decide to move outward with your BDSM interests....trannie or not.

Actually, I do know what you mean. I was looking for a bulletin board type atmosphere for Dominant women or switches and met with the same frustrations, porn and pick up sites. I have done the chat room search, but don't want to be called Mistress by some stranger, nor do I want to play the little chat room games. Of course, these are my own opinions based on my own tastes.

As for being old enough, wise enough and have a life stable enough to incorporate more kink stuff and potentially SRS etc....only you know what you are facing and what it takes to do that. Move slowly and think through each step and understand that the search to find your place in terms of BDSM can be a rollercoaster ride. My own has been just that.

My advice to you as a poster, as if you haven't had enough advice, is to read everything and everyone. Mix it up with two parts personal knowledge, one part poster's wisdom and draw your own conclusions.

Caution: Whatever choices you make are yours to live with.

Best wishes,

MissT

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

"You are too young--you can't handle it--don't even try" seems like utterly dubious "advice". The aspects of our sexuality do not come in discreet packets---"ok, now I've got the trans part under control; time for the bDSM part."

As anyone into this kind of shit (extreme sexuality) knows, the associated emotions and needs are overwhelming and when it's time for you to seek what you need; you are going to do so regardless of whether you are 20, 40 or 80.

Someone at this stage needs help integrating themselves--good luck kid; I hope you find what you need.

It is the exact 'extreme' nature of this sort of thing, and the feelings involved, which make it vitally important for people to consciously take a step back on a regular basis, and make sure they aren't moving too fast. A 20 year old has lots of time...there's no need to rush into anything.