Thanks for the positive feedback on my first submission

[Lizzy_Beth_26]

I just wanted to thank those who read my story and gave me, what I think is positive feedback. I hope to write more and the more feedback I get, the better I will do in the future. Please take time to read my story and tell me what you think.
Keep up the good work you writers out there. You are the ones that inspired me to give it a go in the first place.

My story: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=207511

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Lizzy Beth,

I just finished your story. I can't say it stirred me, but it was sweet and I smiled a time or two.

Like many masturbation stories, I think it suffers from a lack of tension. Masturbation is so often the epitome of gentle, caring sex that it's difficult to generate conflict. The voyuer scene was, for me, the more erotic of the two, but it still seemed just a bit flat.

For instance:

Beth did not know how to react. She just stood there, looking at the glistening pussy lips and wanting nothing more than to lick this woman's pussy. What a strange feeling that was for Beth.

The reader is told what Beth wants and that it's a strange feeling for her, but the reader never sees it, thus Beth is kept at arm's length, so to speak. Make sense?
What about something like:
Beth's eyes glazed as they lingered on her friend's glistening pussy. Her tongue began to play across her own lips, though she was imagining it elsewhere. Her nose twitched as she caught a waft of her friend's musky aroma. Without a conscious thought, she leaned, bringing her nose a few inches closer.

Some of the dialogue seems a bit stiff too, such as:

"I'm sorry I'm not dressed Beth" Cindy said " I had a phone call after I got out of the shower and I couldn't even use my hair dryer... sorry about the wet look."

"No problem Cindy," Beth stammered as she handed Cindy the bottle of wine. "I completely understand."

"Why, how thoughtful of you Beth" Cindy said as she reached for the wine glasses on the rack.

Doesn't this exchange seem a too formal? Plus, how often do friends really address each other adding their names to the ends of the sentences like that, especially three times in a row? On a positive note, the characters are doing other things while they chat.

You might have skipped the flashback structure too, in such a short story I'm not sure it was the best choice, but you did a pretty good job weaving it in.

In spite of the possible issues noted above, I think you should be pleased with your first story. Easy to overlook things like pace, flow, sentence and paragraph structure, plus the concept of a scene- good job on these; they make your tale an easy read. Even though it didn't stir me, it didn't bore me either.

May I ask what the theme of your next story might be?

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Lizzy_Beth_26]

I appreciate your candidness. I will work on the details and redundancies. Constructive criticism is a good thing.

As far as my next story line and where I am going with this ... I'm all ears.

Thanks Penelope.

 

[LaJovena]

Show, don't tell

You wrote, "Beth did not know how to react. She just stood there, looking at the glistening pussy lips and wanting nothing more than to lick this woman's pussy. What a strange feeling that was for Beth."

Get us into Beth's head. For example:

"Beth didn't know how to react. She just stood there, looking at the glistening pussy lips and wanting nothing more than to lick them. What a strange feeling."

I turned "did not" into "didn't" because it sounds more natural. Ditto "this woman's pussy" to "them". And "What a strange feeling that was for Beth" tells us how Beth felt. Simply saying "What a strange feeling" is a thought straight from Beth's mind. Expand on this by showing why it is a strange feeling.

Hope this helps.

 

[Lizzy_Beth_26]

More useful feedback...

I do appreciate the feedback. I see that I need to be more "natural" in my writing. Looking at it now, I see where it messes up the flow a bit. I need to be more descriptive in order to peak the readers interest.

Thank you LaJovena

 

[Singularity]

A few other thoughts

Your earlier feedbackers were spot-on, lizzy-beth. I'll add a few other ideas of my own.

First some phrasing and tese-matching.

Cindy was an old friend. They grew up together and attended the same high school. They remained friends and manage to do things together when they have the opportunity.

With 'Cindy was an old friend.' as the first sentence, I would make the second one "had grown up" to match it. And your spell checker didn't catch'manage' where 'managed; should be. These are both very minor things, but the smallest thing can divert or worse, annoy, some readers.

The other thing you should be careful of (and I am as guilty of this as many others) is the "mirror look" and the insertion of the physical description of a character all in one quick lump of description.

Beth carried the vibrator to her bedroom and placed it on the nightstand next to her bed. Thoughts of what led to getting this strange gift danced through her mind. She pulled her sweater over her head and took off her bra. Standing in front of the mirror she noticed how hard her nipples had become. She had a slender body and long dark hair. Her ample breasts were a sight to behold, especially with the way her hardened nipples jutted straight out. She was very aware of her appearance and took pride in keeping herself in excellent shape

And while you didn't succumb to the tit-size description of inches and cups like many male writers often do (thank goodness), the recitation of hair and breast and nipple and body descripiton sounds a bit 'forced' when all put together at once. I would suggest inferring her description throughout the story, a bit at a time, as we get to know her; instead of all at once.

Overall, you've done pretty well. So make each next one better than the one before it and before you know it, you'll be hitting some real home runs.


Sin.