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Ishmael
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TOO FUNNY
ROFLMAO
Grew up in El Paso Tx. Concentrated green chile relish was the dirty trick of choice for use on the 'new comers'. Damn can I empathize with this joke.
There is an old West Texas joke about the guy that had chili for the first time he burned his gizzard out so he ordered ice cream for desert to cool his mouth.
The next morning all that was heard from the bathroom was "Come on ice cream."
Ishmael
ROFLMAO
Grew up in El Paso Tx. Concentrated green chile relish was the dirty trick of choice for use on the 'new comers'. Damn can I empathize with this joke.
There is an old West Texas joke about the guy that had chili for the first time he burned his gizzard out so he ordered ice cream for desert to cool his mouth.
The next morning all that was heard from the bathroom was "Come on ice cream."
Ishmael
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Re: TOO FUNNY
KillerMuffin
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Here's the real essay.
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/pages/columns/chilijudge.htm
It's much funnier than that thing floating around the net.
********
Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/
====> Please do NOT remove the copyright from this essay! <===
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled—it's kinda cute.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma?
Write to the author at bruce@wbrucecameron.com
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/pages/columns/chilijudge.htm
It's much funnier than that thing floating around the net.
********
Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/
====> Please do NOT remove the copyright from this essay! <===
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled—it's kinda cute.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma?
Write to the author at bruce@wbrucecameron.com
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KillerMuffin
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No, you're okay. He doesn't care about that s'long as he's properly credited. Been done. You're cool.
You're cool.
DustyWolfe
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Re: TOO FUNNY
*snickers* I grew up in Midland, Tx. We had that joke around there too. We would initiate Yankees by giving them stuff with habanero peppers in it!
And yes.. I love that story about the chilli taster. I got that a few years ago and printed it up because it is true.
In Austin there is a place called the Texas Chili Parlor.
They have 5 kinds of chili and each is represented by an X.. If you order the XXXXX you have to sign a medical release.
Ishmael said:ROFLMAO
Grew up in El Paso Tx. Concentrated green chile relish was the dirty trick of choice for use on the 'new comers'. Damn can I empathize with this joke.
There is an old West Texas joke about the guy that had chili for the first time he burned his gizzard out so he ordered ice cream for desert to cool his mouth.
The next morning all that was heard from the bathroom was "Come on ice cream."
Ishmael
*snickers* I grew up in Midland, Tx. We had that joke around there too. We would initiate Yankees by giving them stuff with habanero peppers in it!
And yes.. I love that story about the chilli taster. I got that a few years ago and printed it up because it is true.
In Austin there is a place called the Texas Chili Parlor.
They have 5 kinds of chili and each is represented by an X.. If you order the XXXXX you have to sign a medical release.
DustyWolfe
Proud Transman
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Re: Re: Re: TOO FUNNY
oooh.. I wanna hear... tell me please!
Ishmael said:
Good story about Midland/Odessa floating around too.
Ishmael
oooh.. I wanna hear... tell me please!
DustyWolfe
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Dillinger said:
LOL... well you will be nowhere near the chili parlor.. it's down by the capital
Ishmael
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Re: Re: Re: Re: TOO FUNNY
Seems two fellows from Midland/Odessa went to a banker and asked for a 3 million dollar loan. The banker asked "What for?"
They told him that they were going to start an automobile company. Use the old oil derricks as frames.
The banker thought that was a fine idea, but wanted to see a prototype. Told the boys that he's loan them $30,000 to build one.
Well, the fellows got a derrick, donkey engine, wheels, tires, etc. and slapped a prototype together.
The banker went down to look at it and was a little shocked to see that there was no steering wheel or seats.
The two boys said, "Well, don't need any. Most the folks around here have lost their ass and don't know where they're going anyway."
Ishmael
Dustygrrl said:
Seems two fellows from Midland/Odessa went to a banker and asked for a 3 million dollar loan. The banker asked "What for?"
They told him that they were going to start an automobile company. Use the old oil derricks as frames.
The banker thought that was a fine idea, but wanted to see a prototype. Told the boys that he's loan them $30,000 to build one.
Well, the fellows got a derrick, donkey engine, wheels, tires, etc. and slapped a prototype together.
The banker went down to look at it and was a little shocked to see that there was no steering wheel or seats.
The two boys said, "Well, don't need any. Most the folks around here have lost their ass and don't know where they're going anyway."
Ishmael
DustyWolfe
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LMAO... that is too funny
I used to have a bunch of jokes about George Bush (since he lived in MIdland for awhile) and Clayton Williams
I used to have a bunch of jokes about George Bush (since he lived in MIdland for awhile) and Clayton Williams
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