Terry Jones' letter to the observer

[Spinaroonie]

A letter to the London Observer from Terry Jones (yes, of Monty Python).

Letter to the Observer

Sunday January 26, 2003

The Observer

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people.

Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.

That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq.

Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one.

 

[Lost Cause]

Terry's still got it....

I expect a Pythonesque movie on this subject, or I will be disappointed.

 

[sexy-girl]

lol i like terry jones

 

[BgMma]

I, too am expecting a movie.

I love this humour!

 

[The Heretic]

Not half-bad satire, but not very good. To have good satire it has to stand up to the light of logic. The difference between Mr Johnson/Mr Patel and Saddam Hussien is that Saddam has essentially been convicted of mass murder, he just was never put in jail for it because he was a head of state. To say there is no proof that Saddam has murdered anybody is to ignore all the dead bodies laying about his country - especially the Kurds and Iranians that he gassed with chemical weapons. It ignores the Israelis killed and injured by Iraq's SCUD missiles. It ignores the Kuwaitis murdered and tortured during Iraq's invasion and occupation of Kuwait.

If you want to pretend that Iraq has no WMDs now then fine, pretend away (you will be naive to do so). If you want to discuss the pros and cons of an invasion of Iraq, then fine - discuss them. But don't pretend that Saddam hasn't murdered thousands of innocent civilians, and that there isn't proof that he committed these murders. Don't pretend that Saddam hasn't used WMDs in the past, and don't pretend that he isn't threatening to use them now. These are all well known facts - and I rarely use that word.

So yeah, Terry Jone's humor falls flat because he is comparing apples and oranges - in fact I would go so far as to say he is comparing Mr Johnson and Mr Patel to the 21'st century's Hitler.