PrevertOne
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- Oct 21, 2009
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Just dropped https://www.literotica.com/s/teresa-grey-witch-high-school-pt-01 Enjoy folks 
Teresa Grey: Witch: Part One
- Thread starter PrevertOne
- Start date
darwin1859
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- Nov 7, 2017
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... And you're posting here because you want feedback? I started to read. I'd like to try again. The writing is "good" in a way and the content seems awesome (very interesting).
But... hard to read. Hard. Fragments--lots. Every sentence--SUPER URGENT! (That's how you write... like William Shatner delivers lines). I think you're writing a script, more than a novel.
Also, and I know this is pathetic--and maybe this is just because I didn't get far into the story--but FWIW I'd find it easier to keep track of characters if they had names that knew (or memorable). "Sissi" is not either for me and giving your characters nicknames (Teresa and Teri) and flipping back and forth doesn't make it easier. I'll admit I'm pathetic, but when I name my characters, I won't even let two characters have similar names (i.e., that begin with the same sound/letter or which rhyme) unless I'm trying to imply that they're similar (like sisters Merry and Terry). In a lot of stories, this is a non-issue because there are like 2-3 main characters but in the first few lines we meet Sissi (who, being dead, I'm assuming may not be a main character?) and Teri and her mom and Sissi's parents and Derek and Courtney. And whomever created, and possibly was in, the "show" in the first line.
I'm not saying it's impossible for a reader to follow. I'm asking, "How hard do you want to make it?"
OTOH, you're other stories are VERY highly rated. I assume this one will be too. Maybe you shouldn't take my advice.
But... hard to read. Hard. Fragments--lots. Every sentence--SUPER URGENT! (That's how you write... like William Shatner delivers lines). I think you're writing a script, more than a novel.
Also, and I know this is pathetic--and maybe this is just because I didn't get far into the story--but FWIW I'd find it easier to keep track of characters if they had names that knew (or memorable). "Sissi" is not either for me and giving your characters nicknames (Teresa and Teri) and flipping back and forth doesn't make it easier. I'll admit I'm pathetic, but when I name my characters, I won't even let two characters have similar names (i.e., that begin with the same sound/letter or which rhyme) unless I'm trying to imply that they're similar (like sisters Merry and Terry). In a lot of stories, this is a non-issue because there are like 2-3 main characters but in the first few lines we meet Sissi (who, being dead, I'm assuming may not be a main character?) and Teri and her mom and Sissi's parents and Derek and Courtney. And whomever created, and possibly was in, the "show" in the first line.
I'm not saying it's impossible for a reader to follow. I'm asking, "How hard do you want to make it?"
OTOH, you're other stories are VERY highly rated. I assume this one will be too. Maybe you shouldn't take my advice.
