Love In An Elevator: Part One

[PrevertOne]

Just dropped https://www.literotica.com/s/love-in-an-elevator-pt-01 Enjoy and thanks for reading

 

[MythicMind]

Unless the narrator is a character and is talking in a real voice, you want to keep the narration tight and straightforward. When you say something like, "It should be mentioned, some of the grovelers loved groveling before Alexa", I wonder: why does it need to be mentioned? Why not simply say: "Some of them loved to grovel. Plus, they knew this was a factor in which partners she chose."

This is a fun paragraph:

In straightforward, cut to the chase manner, Alexa was all of six foot, one hundred and eighty pounds of rock hard, double D'ed, long-legged, broad-shouldered, redheaded, Amazonian muscle; with a man eating, ball-breaking, clit- munching, pussy tribbing carnal philosophy.

But it could be tightened:
Alexa was a straight up sex goddess—a six-foot-tall, one-hundred-and-eighty-pound Amazon of rock-hard, double-D'ed, long-legged, broad-shouldered, redheaded magnificence; with a man-eating, ball-breaking, clit-munching, pussy-tribbing carnal philosophy.

Your story might read better if you used slightly simpler language. For instance:

Interns, office workers, certain colleagues on her level, were off limits. She'd worked her Golden Ratioed bubble ass too hard, achieving her level of success, to have it wrecked by workplace harassment claims.

Could simply be:

Interns and other lower-level colleagues were off-limits. She’d worked too hard for her success to risk losing it over a harassment claim.

This way, when you want to use colorful language, you can put it in the mouth of your characters. You want them to have all the personality, not the anonymous narrator.

In terms of the story—bet or not, walking around nude in the office is a good way to get instantly fired and escorted off the premises. It would have been good to explain why this was allowable in this company. That Alexa didn't even mention it until after she asked about the report indicates that people tend to show up nude frequently around there. Is that the case? If not, why is she acting so casually? Is it part of a general code of conduct? If you are going to set up something that violates our expectations, you need to help the reader know why it's happening, otherwise it breaks the suspension of disbelief.

 

[PrevertOne]

Unless the narrator is a character and is talking in a real voice, you want to keep the narration tight and straightforward. When you say something like, "It should be mentioned, some of the grovelers loved groveling before Alexa", I wonder: why does it need to be mentioned? Why not simply say: "Some of them loved to grovel. Plus, they knew this was a factor in which partners she chose."

This is a fun paragraph:

But it could be tightened:
Alexa was a straight up sex goddess—a six-foot-tall, one-hundred-and-eighty-pound Amazon of rock-hard, double-D'ed, long-legged, broad-shouldered, redheaded magnificence; with a man-eating, ball-breaking, clit-munching, pussy-tribbing carnal philosophy.

Your story might read better if you used slightly simpler language. For instance:

Could simply be:


This way, when you want to use colorful language, you can put it in the mouth of your characters. You want them to have all the personality, not the anonymous narrator.

In terms of the story—bet or not, walking around nude in the office is a good way to get instantly fired and escorted off the premises. It would have been good to explain why this was allowable in this company. That Alexa didn't even mention it until after she asked about the report indicates that people tend to show up nude frequently around there. Is that the case? If not, why is she acting so casually? Is it part of a general code of conduct? If you are going to set up something that violates our expectations, you need to help the reader know why it's happening, otherwise it breaks the suspension of disbelief.

The story is written to match the series of pictures posted on Deviantart by the listed artists in the title. The characters they presented gave off that impression. Basically, it's sex fantasy built around impossible characters.

 

[MythicMind]

The story is written to match the series of pictures posted on Deviantart by the listed artists in the title. The characters they presented gave off that impression. Basically, it's sex fantasy built around impossible characters.

All the stories on Lit are sex fantasies, often built around impossible characters. That's expected. But if you want a story that stands out, then you want to give the reader some worldbuilding exposition so they know what's going on and understand the rules.

In this case, there is a big difference between "People running around the office naked isn't that big of a deal" and "Running around the office naked is a huge deal that can lead to disaster." All you need to do is give a few lines here or there to establish the setting and circumstances.

But remember that most erotica stories work because what happens either goes against the rules, violates expectations, or requires overcoming barriers (interior or exterior). If being nude and having sex in this office is normal, then perhaps introduce a character that doesn't know this and is shocked to see it. Or maybe it WAS normal, but now there's a new CEO who has banned it, which Alexa hates and rebels against. I know it's too late for this story now, but the idea is that you want to create tension or conflict (even if it's friendly or goofy)—that's what makes stories fun to read.

 

[desperado1089]

I apologize for how comparatively unhelpful this comment is about to be, but when I saw the title, I couldn't help but think, "Good morning, Mr. Tyler. Going...down?"