Tempest

[Rayven101]

I have posted this to the poem section under Kaliwitch my other nic - but I thought I would post this here I would love to hear what you think.


You are my control

Of that I have no doubt

Guiding my pleasure like a sailor weathering a storm

Soaked with my wetness you maneuver through the waves

The sweet sensations of your tongue

Stirs the tempest higher

My moans are like whipping winds

As I beg for more

With soft gentle strokes comes the eye of the storm

Leaving me in the state of suspension

My hips move like soft water lapping

Deep knowing laughter rumbles from your chest

As you thrust deep into my abyss.


Rayven

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Thanks, Rayven, for posting. I hope you find the Forum here to be a great place to share and learn. Are you looking for full on critique or just general impressions of the poem? It might help people respond if they know what you are expecting.

 

[Rayven101]

Hello Pandora!

I would love a critique and just general thoughts. Any help I can get to fine tune the better

Thank you for reading and your comment

 

[butters]

morning, Rayven

just some thoughts, then:

the layout - is the double spacing between lines intentional? if not, and i do find it a distraction, i used to get that problem when c & p ing from wordpad. i used to have to do it on notepad and transfer, then edit for any font preferences.

i like how you kept your simile intact throughout, though a metaphor using the same imagery might work even better..

I do think this could lose some of the extra wording and still be clear about its meaning; for example, you might easily lose L2 altogether along with 'guiding my pleasure like' and 'soaked with my wetness' to give you

You are my control
a sailor weathering a storm
you maneuver through the waves

Since you'd be losing some, you might then add some modifier to 'the waves', make it something like 'you manoeuvre through buffeting/towering/rogue/ waves (you get my drift, those were off the top of my head and not the best examples, tbh)

The sweet sensations of your tongue
Stirs the tempest higher

you'd wanna make that 'stir' if you keep sensations, or make it 'sensation' if you keep 'stirs'

My moans are like whipping winds
As I beg for more

is 'whipping' there for another purpose, like an allusion to BDSM? otherwise it doesn't convey (for me, only for me) the sense i'd imagine of moans and groans more like the sounds of wind in the riggings, the timbers of a ship's hull under strain .. so, it sounds more the snap of sails which feels too severe, not so erotic to me. of course, if it is anything to do with 'whipping' then it'll suit others far more than me i simply connect more to the lower, more visceral notes of the vessel being guided through heavy seas.

With soft gentle strokes comes the eye of the storm
Leaving me in the state of suspension
My hips move like soft water lapping

very visual, like this, though perhaps you might again trim that 'my'?

Deep knowing laughter rumbles from your chest
As you thrust deep into my abyss.

i was ambivalent about abyss at the start, but it's grown on me. i was thinking more along the lines of the sailor guiding his vessel back into the newly appearing chasm of a deep wave-trough as the storm re-appears but abyss works on a deeper level, and implies the likelihood of drowning (in passion)

just thoughts, take or leave as you wish.

 

[greenmountaineer]

I have posted this to the poem section under Kaliwitch my other nic - but I thought I would post this here I would love to hear what you think.

"You are my control ........

As you thrust deep into my abyss."

Rayven

Rayven,

I like "the eye of the storm....state of suspension" imagery, but the last line IMO should be moved before "the eye..," followed by another erotic image after "the eye.." to suggest continued sexual abandon.

With "My hips move like soft water lapping/Deep knowing laughter rumbles from your chest" the images for me are softer, more post-coital, which isn't a bad way to end the poem, sort of a "safe harbor."

That said, if you wish to keep the last line as a contrast between you and your lover's "control" in the first line, I'd replace "abyss," which doesn't work for me with "abandon."

 

[EroticOrogeny]

Overall I like it. You've received some good feedback here.
I'm not sure I like 'control' here - it seems out of place with the maritime imagery.
Perhaps 'captain'?

 

[Rayven101]

This has been GREAT feedback.... I am at work and reading through it and will give a proper response tonight when I get home. This is exactly what I was looking for

You have no idea how much this helps. Thank you!

Wishing everyone a beautiful day

Rayven xx

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I have posted this to the poem section under Kaliwitch my other nic - but I thought I would post this here I would love to hear what you think.


You are my control

Of that I have no doubt

Guiding my pleasure like a sailor weathering a storm

Soaked with my wetness you maneuver through the waves

The sweet sensations of your tongue

Stirs the tempest higher

My moans are like whipping winds

As I beg for more

With soft gentle strokes comes the eye of the storm

Leaving me in the state of suspension

My hips move like soft water lapping

Deep knowing laughter rumbles from your chest

As you thrust deep into my abyss.


Rayven

This is very erotic without the usual bump and grind some poets feel they need to put into their work so well done you.

I agree about the 'whipping winds' although not sure what you could put instead 'sighing' maybe but I like the build up from the 'soft gentle strokes' to the 'thrust deep' *pheww fans self* I'm still not sure about the 'abyss' which seems a bit out of place with the rest of the poem although harbour wouldn't really fit either !